Thursday, February 3, 2005

You're A God On iTunes: Vertical Horizon " I'll address the mass adoration tomorrow or something, heh. That was awesome though. What a good idea. All right, I've got class at 2:30, so this will be quick (I can't believe it's almost 2:30 already... it's been such a quick day). It's still wet and cold out, boo hiss. Nasty, ugly weather. But I guess it is better than freezing snow or sleet or something crazy like that. Last night I had some revelations and despite the dreary weather, I've been feeling pretty good today. I think that I should still go ahead with the counseling thing, but I think I finally understood what's been so wrong with me and I've been able to work through it a little bit. Maybe I'll go into it more later, but for now I'd just like to give thanks to a couple books. The Storm by Frederick Buechner and Tuesdays with Morrie by Mitch Albom - my most recent reads and some of the best therapy I've had. I also wrote a whole bunch of letters last night and that was pretty much my form of catharsis. Fantastic. I just feel better. Lighter. Does that make sense? I'm not sure, but I'm pretty happy right now, and that's always acceptable. The other night I had to go to a book reading at the Warehouse here in Tallahassee. It was for my fiction technique class, but now that I've gone I think I'm going to try and make it a habit. It was fantastic. When I remember who the author was I'll let you know, but he's won the National Book Award (or something like that) and the work in progess he read us was really spectacular, I thought. Of course, everything seems spectacular when you compare it to your own shit, but hey. Anyway, I'm excited for no reason and I thought that was good news and that I should share. So, yeah, ray of sunlight, every cloud has a silver lining, blah blah, and other crap like that. ^_~

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Wednesday, February 2, 2005

Nay, We Are But Men, Rock Ooooooon. On iTunes: It's raining.. so there's pitter-patter action outside, but that's about it. I have horrible, horrible news. I'm not going to be able to see Shaun of the Dead on the big screen when they play it here on campus! Gasp, horror, shock! That's because I'll be going home that weekend. Which, coincidently, is a good thing.. with bad timing, I guess. I'm pretty pissed off about that actually. I can still rent it, but it's not the same as watching it on the big screen. Le sigh. There shined a shiny demon... in the middle... of the road. AND HE SAID: "Play the best sooooong in the world, or I'll eat your soul." Oh, by the way, I'm feeling rather random this morning. It's fucking raining. I hate it when it rains and it's cold out, thereby making it even more cold and miserable. At least my umbrella is cool - disney villians, baby. I'm making up a list of DVDs I want. There's about ten on there right now, and I expect it to steadily increase over the next week or so as I remember other movies. I had a biology test yesterday which I did very poorly on, but that's okay because I get to retake it tomorrow. See, that's the beauty of baby bio - you get two chances to do well on every test. And if you're anything like me at all, you're going to use that first chance to cheat like a mother and see what the test is on. I also feel absolutely no guilt in doing this because the instructors in this biology course know that's exactly what we're all going to do anyway. It's really quite a beautiful relationship. Jimmy Stewart is such a wonderful, wonderful actor. I heart him in all of his beautiful, black and white glory. Speaking of a James, I have more ideas for a certain RPG idea that we never quite finished. I was thinking about it today in Biology, actually, and during this brainstorming session I decided that instead of IMing or PMing him, it would be so much cooler to have some kind of James signal. Instead of the bat signal, you'd send up the James signal (which would of course be the J in various bright colors) and then he would know that somewhere in the world wide web, somebody needs his help. And then he could jump in his snazzy automobile all James Bond style and do some cool stunts and come to the rescue. That, or he could just look at the signal and be like, "Oh, come on. Can't these people do anything themselves?" I was also thinking about myself earlier (naturally). When you dream about true love, you think about all the things that he needs to have in order for you to be happy. But I'm wondering what I could offer somebody else. Discuss, citing examples, please. There will be a quiz. Obviously, I am still wholly focused on myself. Not everything has changed, you know. Now say good things about me or suffer the consequences.

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Sunday, January 30, 2005

Mother Never Danced Through Fire Showers On iTunes: "Rain" Cowboy Bebop Thanks to the antibiotics, I've been feeling better and better all the time. Finally. After like three weeks of being sick, I think I'm entitled to being able to breathe properly again. I have a test tomorrow in Fiction Technique, but I've already studied for it. It's amazing, yes. Especially considering that I spent at the very least an hour on the material. And I hardly ever study like I should, especially for English. But I guess I'm just sick of being mediocre right now. Why get a B when I can get an A? Apart from being sick, I've been pretty eh for the last week or so. I think that's fairly obvious, actually, considering the one post from a few days ago. But part of it I realize is just because I miss Winter Park (where I live). I miss my house, and my awesome yard, and I miss just being able to chill in the living room with the sliding glass doors wide open. I imagine it's too cold to do that now, even in Orlando, but still. I've just been talking with the folks too much, I guess. Both me and my sister have been sick, and of course when you feel pathetic and awful and you want someone to feel bad and pamper you, you call home. And then my mom has been calling us to make sure we're eating right and studying and all that, and my brother has been calling me because recently he just went to Districts for Thespians for the first time and he's all excited about it and wants to talk. It's all well and good but it makes me a little homesick. Especially since I feel very jaded right now. Disenchanted with the campus, and specifically, with some of my friends here right now. Bored. It sounds so horrible, but after a while, you just need a break from doing the same thing over and over with the same people. I've kind of decided to throw myself into my studies for the moment. Hopefully I'll make more time for the internet as well, seeing as I haven't been on as much and I do have certain responsibilities. Being sick really messes all of that up. Haven't heard anything about studying abroad, and I think it'll probably be another couple weeks before I do. I'm nervous about that. A little. There's a whole bunch of awesome movies this week at the SLB so I think I'll just live over there. They're showing Casablanca on the big screen, and you know I'll be the first one in line for that. Bogart is my main man. Yo.

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Wednesday, January 26, 2005

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA On iTunes: Modest Mouse I HAVE ANTIBIOTICS!! THERE IS JUSTICE IN THE WORLD!! HALLELUJAH!!! According to doctor lady, I should be better in about five days. I took two today, and then one each day for the following four days, or something crazy like that. It's called Zithromax and it cost me $45 but what do you expect? Anyway, the little pills are like capsules of pure joy. You have no idea how excited I was to get this prescription. ^_^; I think I might celebrate by going to Popeyes. How very healthy of me, right? I really, really want to work on some posts later. I'd also like to play some nintendo. And sleep.. cause I'm sleepy. And I guess I should read for class, too. Stupid homework. (Today's lesson? Drugs make Megan happy.)

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Monday, January 24, 2005

death warmed over On iTunes: "Tears In Heaven" Eric Clapton The last week or so has been pretty rocky for me and up until yesterday or so, I wasn't quite sure why. There's a lot of different factors, as always, but mostly it's because I'm unhappy with myself. It might be better to say extremely disappointed. I'm not sure what the difference is at this point. I am sure, however, that I am not where I want to be and this is a problem. This semester was supposed to be my fresh start. My break away from the hellish ordeal that was the fall semester. My chance to pick up on my academics, get motivated, get happy and rejuvenated. And I guess that while it hasn't been a complete failure, there's still those little moments where I recognize that I'm falling into the same old habits and it's like there's nothing I can do to stop it. This has got to stop. All I can think is that this is turning into some kind of subtle form of self destruction for me and I don't want to go there. I know that it's in my blood and there's a sort of family precedent for it but I honestly thought that it was something that I wouldn't have to worry about. That I'd somehow escaped that gene, had somehow risen above it. But I'm not going to lie to myself anymore because something is seriously wrong here and I just don't know what needs to be done in order to reverse this. I don't know how to fix it. Which is why I think I'm going to start going to see a counselor. It's something I've thought about doing for a while now, but it's only ever been just that - a thought. I guess my pride has always been stronger than I give it credit for. But as much as all of this is so hard to think about and come to terms with, I know that my pride can't be an issue any more. I can't do this by myself, I need help. I'm still telling myself that this doesn't make me pathetic and weak, that I'm not a failure because I can't fix everything myself, and even though I don't always want to believe it, I think a part of me knows that the greater weakness here is continuing to deny all of this. So. You have no idea how hard that is to talk about. In other news, I woke up this morning and felt like dying. The weather changes have been royally screwing with my health and today almost broke me. I've never felt this sick in a long, long time - my body was one huge ache, my head throbbed, my nose was runny and I kept sneezing, I felt light headed and dizzy and I felt like I might pass out if I moved too quickly, and the threat of being physically sick was enough to scare me into going to Thagard. Yes, that's right, I actually went to Thagard. By myself. I waited for about an hour with what seemed like half of the student body before making an appointment for Wednesday. And then I came back home and just slept, pretty much all day. I ended up skipping three out of four classes because I just couldn't move (I didn't skip Art History because we had a quiz today and if you know me at all then you'd know that I'd actually have to die before missing a test or a quiz). Around 7:30-ish, me Jen and Shannon went to Boston Market because I wanted a good, healthy dinner, and I think that going out and getting a little exercise and a decent meal has helped a little bit. Mostly though, all the sleep I got today has saved me. I'm still exhausted though and I think I'll probably go to bed after this. Hopefully in the morning I won't be having a repeat performance because I really can't afford to continue skipping classes. If worse comes to worse, though, I'll just get up, go over to racquetball and let Mr. Han know that I'm dying and any physical activity would very well finish me off. So yeah, that's my life right now. I know you're jealous.

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Friday, January 21, 2005

Tribute to German Stinginess On iTunes: "Thunder Road" Bruce Springsteen (THE BOSS) The screen door slams, Mary's dress sways Like a vision she dances across the porch as the radio plays Roy Oberson singing for the lonely Hey that's me and I want you only Don't turn me home again cause I just can't face myself alone again Don't run back inside darling You know just what I'm here for So you're scared and your thinking that maybe we ain't that young anymore Show a little faith, there's magic in the night You ain't a beauty but hey you're all right Oh, that's all right with me You can hide beneath your covers and study your pain Make crosses from your lovers Throw roses in the rain Waste your summer praying in vain For a savior to rise from these streets Well now I’m no hero, that’s understood All the redemption I can offer, girl Is beneath this dirty hood With a chance to make it good somehow Hey what else can we do now? Except roll down the window And let the wind blow back your hair Well the night’s busting open These two lanes will take us anywhere We got one last chance to make it real To trade in these wings on some wheels Climb in back Heaven’s waiting on down the tracks Oh, come take my hand Riding out tonight to case the promised land Oh thunder road, oh thunder road, oh thunder road Lying out there like a killer in the sun Hey I know it’s late we can make it if we run Oh thunder road, sit tight take hold Thunder road Well I got this guitar and I learned how to make it talk And my car’s out back if you’re ready to take that long walk From your front porch to my front seat The door’s open but the ride it ain’t free And I know you’re lonely For words that I ain’t spoken But tonight we’ll be free All the promises’ll be broken There were ghosts in the eyes Of all the boys you sent away They haunt this dusty beach road In the skeleton frames of burned out chevrolets They scream your name at night in the street Your graduation gown lies in rags at their feet And in the lonely cool before dawn You hear their engines roaring on But when you get to the porch they’re gone On the wind, so mary climb in It’s a town full of losers And I’m pulling out of here to win.

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Tuesday, January 18, 2005

"Even in Heaven, do they say 'If only...'?" On iTunes: nothing I'm between classes right now, but I wanted to drop in and let you all know that I am alive... barely. I'm sick again. I know, I know, I should stop making out with dirty people, but I can't help it. Seriously, it's been like a week since I got over that first cold. It just isn't right. So basically I've been moping around, feeling miserable and sorry for myself and all that nonsense. Although racquetball this morning was nice. And there's this book I'm reading called The Storm by Frederick Buechner and it's loosely based off of Shakespeare's The Tempest. It's awesome. Buechner writes so fantastically well, and some of the things he says are just perfectly delightful. It's funny in a very ironic sort of way, and you really get to love these characters even though they have obvious flaws. Some quotes for you: "'Can you imagine the Bishop breaking bricks in two with his bare hand?' Willow said, and he said, 'The Trouble is I have always been able to imagine almost anything. It has been my downfall.'" "He thought of himself as a man who wrote because he couldn't think of anything else to do with his delusions." "'When night gives pause to the long watch I keep, / And all my bonds I needs must loose apart, / Must doff my will as raiment laid away' - it was one of his favorites and he spoke it so quietly, so hesitantly, that he seemed half afraid of where it was leading him - 'With the first dream that comes with the first sleep / I run, I run, I am gathered to thy heart.'" "'If only she'd this. If only I'd that. If only something or other. If only nothing, nothing at all.'" ^__^;;

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Friday, January 14, 2005

"She would have been a good woman if it had been somebody there to shoot her every minute of her life." On iTunes: "Swan Dive" Sister Hazel My Fiction Technique class may be the best class I have ever taken. Dr. Corey is hysterical, and the discussions we've been having about the stories so far are amazing. I absolutely love talking about stories this way, and being in this class is like a 50 minute orgasm every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. Flannery O'Conner is also quickly becoming one of my favorite short story authors. She takes these typical, cliche characters of the type of people you love to hate and then pierces straight through them and gets to the real matter - that in every single one of these characters, there's an aspect our ourselves. Especially in her story Revelation (which we discussed today) - the revelation is for both the character Mrs. Turpin and the reader himself. O'Conner is just fucking amazing. My allergies have been acting up lately, and it's a problem. I can't concentrate when I have to blow my nose every five minutes. It's absolutely awful. So I'm thinking that it's time to get on some kind of medication.. at least while I'm living here (because it doesn't look like I'll be able to get out of this room). Does anybody know of any good allergy medicine that I can get over the counter? And, as Tori has so aptly said before me, today is Friday, hallelujah. I have plans to go shopping some time this weekend, and that excites me. It's also gotten cold, so I'll be looking for cute sweaters. And maybe shoes. And purses. Not that I need to buy more of these things, but damn it, I want to. And financial aid hits today anyway. Tonight, I'm also going to be playing some intramural soccer, so that should be pretty cool. Hopefully everybody else isn't crazy competitive and everybody is out there just to have fun... because I don't really care if we win or not, heh. Of course, I say this now, but we'll see what happens when I get out there. ^_~ The posts in Paranoia so far have been excellent. I'm really pleased and I think that this is going to be a blast, especially with all the different characters. We have our own little melting pot. Also, don't forget about Shy's Nifty Fifty and the latest editions to hero. Chaos also has an awesome Dragonball RPG up in the Inn which I've been giggling over like a fangirl. Obviously, there's a ridiculous amount of awesome stuff going on in the Arena right now so you should all go check it out. ^_^

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Wednesday, January 12, 2005

You Want A Sooooooda? On iTunes: "The Seed [2.0]" The Roots I went and saw Maria Full Of Grace last night at the SLB and it was fantastic. The actress who played Maria was absolutely wonderful, and the music was awesome. (I always go on about the music, but it's such an important part of the film for me, lol.) Anyway, I definitely recommend it. In other news, my classes this semester are awesome. This is such a relief to me, considering that last semester sucked balls. But hey, I guess we all get one of those from time to time. Racquetball = OMG SO MUCH FUN. I'm so sore, though. Between playing that and just plain working out at the gym for the last week or so, I've come to realize how horribly out of shape I am. At least I'm fixing it, though. And the pain is beautiful. There's just something about being sore that is absolutely delightful. I'm thinking about a double major - English and Education. But I'm not sure yet. My room is a hell hole designed specifically for my suffering. In other words, my sub-terranian-basement-half-way-under-ground room is really fucking with my allergies and it's getting to the point where I can't walk in here without sniffling. Trying to get to sleep at night is fucking ridiculous. 17 class hours keeps you busy, if you can imagine it. (*cough*) And I still have running around to do, more books to buy, pages to read, blah blah blah... oh well. Wednesday = Alias night = RPG Closing Day = Lots of classes = Spaz-tastic-ness.

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Sunday, January 9, 2005

Sometimes It's A Sad Song On iTunes: "Tangled" Maroon 5 Oh my god, it's been such a busy half week. I can't believe all the running around I've had to do. I can't believe all the stuff I've had to buy, and still have to buy. I have so many hours right now... 17. o_O;; Things To Buy: a racket, goggles, two books for lit, contact solution, sanity, spare time. I applied for a job at the library. I know, gasp shock horror, I actually refrained from just talking about getting a job and went out and tried to get one. Crazy stuff. Now, let's watch me try and play catch up. ........ *falls over dead* EDIT: "FRIENDLY RIVALRY BANTER! IT WAS FRIENDLY RIVALRY BANTER!" lol, thank you Ben.

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