Wednesday, November 12, 2003

Peeking under the stage curtains.

I seem to be in the habit of admitting some personal qualms on here, so I say why stop now? Mush, mush! Onward, little wolf cub!! (I get called crazy every day. No joke. I think maybe this means something. Some eternal truth. Something... about soda. Buy DeathKnight Brand Soda Today!!) To be perfectly honest, I'm very, very used to be second best. I always have been. I don't know whether or not I should be furious about this, or about the fact that I've pretty much accepted it now. Granted, I'm kind of exaggerating this to make my point, but the feeling is still there. And being the oldest in a family, you're kind of expected to be the older, wiser, experienced one. Well. I am, in my own right, but as far as grades go, let's just say my brother and sister do better than I do. Which is not to say that I do horribly.. just never better than they do. Sibling rivalry, there you have it! Of course, it's not like I can't do anything, or that I never get praise for anything. I do, and I did; my last year of high school was probably one of the best years of my life. Not that it's been especially long. I just feel like finally I got some attention; some appreciation. See, I was incredibly involved in theatre all four years of high school. I love acting, but more than that, I was a big techie. Stage work was my thing, "Crew Leader" was my name. It was my job to make sure that the set of any play always got on stage in time and in the right spots, and I worked with (and under) the Stage Manager. Me and that girl were a damn good team, too. If we were ninjas, we would have kicked everybody's asses. Okay, that was random. But anyway, if you know anything about theatre, you'll know that techies are often overlooked, despite our pivotal role in any production. Thus, the irony in my life. And I kind of like it. I like being the one unnoticed, the one that holds everybody else up. And last year, a lot of people saw that, and they made me feel really great about it. I miss that a lot. It's nice to be appreciated every once and awhile, you know? Even if it doesn't happen often. Just to know that people care. That's all I need. I suppose I did this to make myself feel better. Self healing, or whatever they call it. This is actually kind of sickening. I need more insanity in my life, so I don't dwell on this stuff. Mushrooms! Bring me my crown!

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