Wednesday, October 6, 2004

So what would an angel say, the devil wants to know? On iTunes: "Criminal" Fiona Apple Do you ever have days where you feel like a failure? Not a complete one, mind you, but just your everyday waste of talent? Like, if somebody else had been in your shoes, they could have done so much more, could be something so much better, and could be way ahead of where you are now, if given half the chance? I guess what I'm trying to say is ... I HATE MY FUCKING CLASSES. Ahem. This entire post is about to get really random. So, per piacere, scusi. This year has been awful. I don't even need to explain that - you guys have been here, you know how angsty and depressing half of the posts were. And one of (the many) reasons for that is my classes. I just don't like them. They're not what I signed up for. Nothing about this year is what I thought it would be, and I can't stand that. Italian is the only one I like, but it's so much work - it's like trying to fit a year of high school language into a few months. And with all the other work that I've got to do, it's hard to sit down every night and go over the things that I need to go over. And because I don't like my classes, I'm not motivated to do anything for them. And because I'm not motivated, when I actually try to sit down and get things done, it feels half-assed and fake. I care about my studies, I care a lot, and when I do poorly on a quiz or test, it really bothers me. But this year, it's just not the same. This year, I've been floating by, and I've been getting lucky. Instead of working for those A's and working to be the best one in the class, my motto as of late has been, "Get a C, get a degree." And I don't want it to be that. But the semester isn't even half way done and I'm already sick of all this. Furthermore, the fact that I've been complaining about all of this for so long just pisses me off even more. I don't want to a lazy, whiney bitch that could have done well, if only she had put her mind to it. Why can't I just put my mind to it? I am my worst enemy right now, and I know it and I can confront it, but I can't seem to get around it. I've been trying but it's not working. One thing's for sure, though, I need to get my ass in gear. The way things are going just isn't working for me. Next to that, I had a conversation with this guy today. We hadn't talked in a while, but today we ended up talking and we got onto relationships and all that, and he asked if I had a boyfriend yet. I told him that I didn't, and that I really didn't have time for one. This year has been crazy enough. Then he made this kind of sad face and told me that maybe I'd get one soon. I just shook my head and smiled and said, "I don't need a boyfriend to make me happy, or make me feel better about myself." In fact, I kind of like not having one. I'm still of the opinion that my independence will come under fire and I'm not ready to commit to anything. I certainly don't do flings and I don't date somebody unless I think that it could possibly go somewhere. That's just the kind of girl I am. And then he looked at me and said, "Well, are you happy?" What the fuck does that mean? And why would having a boyfriend have anything to do with that? I don't think I'm unhappy. Obviously, things are not perfect in Megan Land, but when were they ever? I'm not going to lie - my life has been a lot better and this year has not been good to me. But on the flipside, I've learned a lot about myself (again) and some of the things I've realized I just don't like. And maybe in that sense I am a little unhappy, but suddenly getting a boyfriend isn't going to make it all better. If I'm unhappy with myself, then there's no way I'll ever be able to properly function in that kind of relationship. It's not about getting laid. I'm sure that sex is lovely, really, but I think I'll wait until things are right with me. I don't appreciate the fact that so much of college life seems to revolve around going out, getting drunk, and fucking like rabbits. I don't understand the emphasis on partying all night, every night. One of my newer friends this year went out to the green because there was a huge foam party in the fountain (again). There was another girl there, walking around topless, and so my friend stripped down and ran around topless as well. And because there were apparently about 50 guys there, with cameras and recorders and shit, all of them yelling for them to make out, she kissed the other girl. Why? That's disgusting. Doing that kind of thing just to do it for a bunch of drunk frat boys seems a little ridiculous to me. I reiterate. That's not the kind of girl I am. I'm sure that guy wasn't referring to that at all, but I don't like the idea that I need a man in order to be happy. I find that extremely sexist, in fact - as if all girls are happy when they've got a guy to dress up for and who will give them flowers and take them out and pay for their dinners. I just don't like that. Le sigh. This rant has been a long time coming, obviously. I'm just tired of a lot of things now, and it kind of bothers me. I guess that's all I'm saying, if you exclude the other thousands of words and expletives.

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