Monday, January 24, 2005

death warmed over On iTunes: "Tears In Heaven" Eric Clapton The last week or so has been pretty rocky for me and up until yesterday or so, I wasn't quite sure why. There's a lot of different factors, as always, but mostly it's because I'm unhappy with myself. It might be better to say extremely disappointed. I'm not sure what the difference is at this point. I am sure, however, that I am not where I want to be and this is a problem. This semester was supposed to be my fresh start. My break away from the hellish ordeal that was the fall semester. My chance to pick up on my academics, get motivated, get happy and rejuvenated. And I guess that while it hasn't been a complete failure, there's still those little moments where I recognize that I'm falling into the same old habits and it's like there's nothing I can do to stop it. This has got to stop. All I can think is that this is turning into some kind of subtle form of self destruction for me and I don't want to go there. I know that it's in my blood and there's a sort of family precedent for it but I honestly thought that it was something that I wouldn't have to worry about. That I'd somehow escaped that gene, had somehow risen above it. But I'm not going to lie to myself anymore because something is seriously wrong here and I just don't know what needs to be done in order to reverse this. I don't know how to fix it. Which is why I think I'm going to start going to see a counselor. It's something I've thought about doing for a while now, but it's only ever been just that - a thought. I guess my pride has always been stronger than I give it credit for. But as much as all of this is so hard to think about and come to terms with, I know that my pride can't be an issue any more. I can't do this by myself, I need help. I'm still telling myself that this doesn't make me pathetic and weak, that I'm not a failure because I can't fix everything myself, and even though I don't always want to believe it, I think a part of me knows that the greater weakness here is continuing to deny all of this. So. You have no idea how hard that is to talk about. In other news, I woke up this morning and felt like dying. The weather changes have been royally screwing with my health and today almost broke me. I've never felt this sick in a long, long time - my body was one huge ache, my head throbbed, my nose was runny and I kept sneezing, I felt light headed and dizzy and I felt like I might pass out if I moved too quickly, and the threat of being physically sick was enough to scare me into going to Thagard. Yes, that's right, I actually went to Thagard. By myself. I waited for about an hour with what seemed like half of the student body before making an appointment for Wednesday. And then I came back home and just slept, pretty much all day. I ended up skipping three out of four classes because I just couldn't move (I didn't skip Art History because we had a quiz today and if you know me at all then you'd know that I'd actually have to die before missing a test or a quiz). Around 7:30-ish, me Jen and Shannon went to Boston Market because I wanted a good, healthy dinner, and I think that going out and getting a little exercise and a decent meal has helped a little bit. Mostly though, all the sleep I got today has saved me. I'm still exhausted though and I think I'll probably go to bed after this. Hopefully in the morning I won't be having a repeat performance because I really can't afford to continue skipping classes. If worse comes to worse, though, I'll just get up, go over to racquetball and let Mr. Han know that I'm dying and any physical activity would very well finish me off. So yeah, that's my life right now. I know you're jealous.

Comments (2)