Thursday, January 22, 2004

Can't complain, but I still want to.

Current Mood: Meh. Listening To: Forever: Vertical Horizon It's just been one of those days, I guess. Not really into it at all; instead, I'm just going through the motions.. going to class, taking notes, do some quick reading, grab something to eat, get online. I don't know. Hopefully it'll wear off soon. My parents are coming in Saturday, so that might work, if nothing else will. Means I'll have to start cleaning, though. One of the hardest things about leaving home is that you're leaving their lives. No, you're not officially gone or anything, but suddenly you're not involved with them on a day to day basis. Maybe you weren't then, either, but at least you had the ability to call them up and say "Hey, let's go out." It's weird not knowing how my family is doing everyday - I used to be able to wake up and see them and just know. But now I have to call, and even then, it's not really the same. I don't know what happened to Jen or Matt during school, I don't know who they talked to or what they did, I don't know if it was a bad day or if they're bouncing off the walls. I don't know what my Dad does at work, I don't even know what my Mom's work schedule is. And between soccer and work and basketball games and concessions and all the other crazy stuff my family does, they're not even home half the time. It's hard not knowing every intimate detail, sometimes. I haven't talked to some of my friends since break ended. That really sucks. I have no idea what they're even up to anymore. What they're stressing about now, who's been on their minds, what's going on in theatre.. yeah. Not really part of that anymore. Maybe it's time to move on. Now I'm just being depressing. It's not like I don't still talk to them. It's just harder, because I don't see them during the day at school, and they aren't always there when I call, and e-mail is fun, but it's not nearly as nice as actually seeing or hearing them. And sometimes I could really, really use one of those crazy girl nights - we all would pile into Meg's car, speed down the road, singing loudly and laughing, eat at Steak 'n' Shake and have a jolly good time with the gay waiter, and just talk. Girl talk. I miss that a lot, sometimes. Sometimes I think me and Holden Caulfield are quite the pair - holding on to things that are already gone. I have my astronomy lab later. Mmm, how I love going back out into the cold to do vague math and physics assignments. Now that's exactly how I wanted to end my night. the pieces are breaking and falling and fading a silent death begins how can one give up when there's nothing left to give?

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