Thursday, April 6, 2006

I'm a mess... and learning to love it?

This semester isn't over yet (so close, god damn it) but already I'm thinking about how cool my summer and fall classes are going to be. Granted, I won't be going to school in another country this time around, but I'll deal with that loss. (God, I miss London all the time. You'd think this would get easier.) Summer in itself is going to be awesome, I just know it. Me and Shannon have signed up for 6 credit hours together and it's art history and the holocaust! woot, I'm so excited. Plus, I think just staying in Tallahassee is going to be good for me. Orlando doesn't do it for me anymore. It's not that I don't like O-town anymore or anything, I love it, and I think it's a great place to live. But everybody has moved on, and we're all doing our own things, and well, Orlando is where I've lived for twenty years. I'm tired of living there, especially now that I've seen so much more of the world and seen what's possible. And, as Fiona Apple so articulately put it, "Home is where your habits have a habitat." And I'm tired of that. I feel like I've been in the process of moving on for a while now, but I think that sometime in the last few months I realized that my heart hasn't actually been there for a while. So. In the fall I've only got 12 credit hours, but they'll be pretty reading-intensive, I think. And I finally got my Folklore class, after semesters of waiting (not-so) patiently for it. Sweet. More and more I'm also looking forward to this Philosophy of Feminism class that I have. As it turns out, Critical Issues, for all of my bitching and moaning about it, has really turned out to be my favorite class of the year. How fucking crazy is that? I've had to work my ass off and do a lot of stupid and ridiculous things for it, and Picart is as crazy as they come, but in the end I would be lying if I said I regretted signing up for it, and for her. I think in a way it helped me rejuvenate my interest in a lot of other, non-literature things, and explore a lot of new subjects and ideas that I hadn't thought I would enjoy quite as much as I do. It reminds me that I really do adore going to school because I love learning new things, and I like knowing how things work, whatever the hell these things might be. There is always bullshit to deal with, wherever you are, but that's just part of life. You have to be able to know that there is so much more beyond that, so much that you can accomplish, so many places to visit and people to meet, if you only let yourself just rise above it. I've been having these awkward mood swings lately. Generally I'm in a good, jolly mood during the day and I want to have in-depth discussions about whatever I possibly can, and talk and laugh and jump around like an idiot simply because it's gorgeous outside and I'm happy to be alive and young and full of energy and randomness. And then at around eight at night, my mood changes and I get, for lack of a better term, depressed. It's like suddenly I have no self-confidence and I'm going to fail all my classes and my existence is worthless and there is nothing special about me at all that could ever prove worth while to anybody and all I want to do is curl up and listen to music and really feel it because at least then, in feeling that, I would know that I am alive, and that is something. So what's that about, anyway? Am I bi-polar? Am I just pms-ing? Who knows. I think that my frustration with this semester and with how my classes are turning out has a lot to do with it, though. I've been working so hard all of these months and it's like it's been for nothing. It sucks. But I also remind myself that it hasn't been for nothing, because whatever grades I do end up getting, I know that what I've learned this year, I know how much I've gotten out of each of these class, in terms of what can be tested and what can't, and that a little letter on a piece of paper is not going to determine the rest of my life. That's for me to do. I'm all over the place today, I know. But I feel like there are so many things to talk about and discover. I know I have homework to do, and I'll get it done, but it's like this bug, this annoyance that is getting in the way of my adventures. Yes, adventures, damn it. Life is an adventure, and there is no other way to look at it. Next time, I will try to write an entry that doesn't make me look like I have ADD. And maybe I'll have more pictures, too.

Comments (4)