Tuesday, December 4, 2007

   ...The best laid plans of mice and men...we'll see what happens.
Time for the long and short of it all: Life is rarely as we expect it to be. If I can be accused of anything it is of preaching the transience of life- in all of it's aspects and forms. To be brief, i owe my long silence to the struggle to evade this inevitability, ineffectively so. if at any time Fortune has found it fair to bestow upon me wisdom, it is as I have always mused- a serindipitous chance, removed from anything of mine own doing or mortal fumbling. The folowing reflects more of my thoughts than I can: they are my college application latters- revised and all but writen in my own blood (that you see, would be far too messy, after all, who has that kind of time? ^-^).

((This is my first essay- aimed at a description of my life and background.))

A dream is the highest and purest desire of one's heart, limited only by one's ambition. As a child, I held this to be an unalterable truth- my youth was built on dreams. The only and illegitimate child to a middle class working mother, I held fast to my dreams- seeing little else of great hope in the present. Ambitious to a fault I planned my life in the ways that only a child could have: a fairy princess one day- president the next, the world would one day see me as I did in my dreams. I would not be limited by circumstance, but would follow my dreams to fruition, come what may.

That is not to say mine is a story of unopposed success and unrestrained ambition. Tossed between my mother and grandparent's homes and faced with constant inconsistencies, I grew up balancing my life with my dreams: the possible and the practicality, feeling at an early age the weight of “reality” crushing out “fantasy”. So too from am early age I managed a tempestuous home life and the strain of acquiring an education. My time outside of school growing up can be characterized by a chaotic instability, leaving little room for scheduled studying: here one day, gone the next.”Home” was always a term used loosely and always within the context of “for now”. The knowledge I acquired as a child came from (or rather, in spite of) the fragility with which I perceived my life-and to this day two aspects of my person remain stubbornly unchanged: my thirst for learning and my unshakable resolve to better myself and aspire for a future transcendent of my unfortunate beginnings.

I will not say, however that I am all the worse for it. If (in my tumultuous yet thus far brief) upbringing I have gained something it is this: the undying spirit of the undaunted optimist and the relentless will to dream in spite of the dreary “reality” which would discourage doing so.

In times of greater stability, I have learned to make up for lost time, so to say; I have learned to evaluate my circumstances with no more than the barest nod, and move beyond it- always in the name of progress, always for the chance to become more than I am at present.

Borrowing a friend's Internet connection in lieu of my own, I leave for work in less than an hour; my shift followed closely by time allocated for the remains of tonight's homework before I sleep, wake, and repeat the cycle. I say this to illustrate my unremitting dedication to advancing myself beyond my origins through the value of my own perseverance and determination; in this manner I strive to match my actions to personify what Kipling said in his poem “If”, as I “Hold on, when there is nothing in you...except the Will which says...hold on.” and as is also true in my case- the Dream.

Looking back I am able to see my past failures as a means to drive myself to greater success, where once I only saw shame. They are now far overshadowed by my renewed commitment to success. To this day I still value the power of dreams: it is my dream to attend college, and to continue my education. It is my dream to better myself and my circumstance, and I will- if given the opportunity.


((and my second essay...a mere depiction of life through one instance in which I take pride))


There is a small coffee shop near my home that I frequent when either thirst or my spiritual well being necessitate it. On such occasions I find myself peering out at the world from behind my coffee cup, or allowing my mind to wander from the debate case in my lap. During one such an instance, I wandered into a daydream and came to the conclusion that my path in life has been marked by a series of pivotal moments that have shaped the person I am.

One memory specifically, stands out: my first away Speech and Debate tournament during my Freshman year of High School. The sun was setting on the second day of an all-weekend tournament; and my partner (also a freshman) and I were showing the wear a weekend of competitive speaking can have on two introverted freshman. Anxious about our upcoming event, and feeling fatigued, I stepped out of the room in which we were assigned to speak. Our speaking time was fast approaching, and despite hours of practice and daily rehearsals- I was overcome with how unprepared we were- when measured against our (upperclassman) competition. As I waited, footsteps echoed down the hall in which I sat. At just that moment, the speech captain from my school approached me, looking concerned. My story found its way out before I had the will to stop it: I wasn't as good as the varsity speakers, I was afraid of letting my team (and my partner) down, placing last, or being rejected for not preforming well. I would be best off sitting out the round, or so I thought. He said only this: “Ganbatte”. The translation, he patiently explained, was simple. It meant that one should do his of her best and take pride in doing so- regardless of the result. Placing first or dead last was irrelevant- it was only a failure if I did not give it my all. My best was enough- win, or lose. I returned to my partner, and although the end result was irrelevant (dead last) I find pride in the return, and the experience that allowed me to see beyond the labels of “winning” and “losing”. If I am changed by this moment of fear and indecisiveness, it is because simultaneously I found a hope and a resolve I could not have imagined possible. It is a philosophy (and a memory) that I cherish, and to this day inspires me to give my all to something- and to take pride in doing so.



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Saturday, October 6, 2007

   Existentialist nonescense
Time and time again the question arises: what is it all for? I sneeringly answer "why it is all quite an accident, didn't you know?" But now I consider that I am mistaken and revise my answer.

I have seen and have acted. I am learning to look beyond myself, and at the same time, to myself for answers. As a child my grandparents, my mother- adult were my gods. They gave me direction, praise,reprimand, opprobrium; I trusted them and they were my world. When all of that ended I was left in somewhat of a solemn state- unsure of even the breath in my lungs. Still they knew what (they claim) I could not- because of my age. They held money, authority, even respect over me- I was powerless to their will. "What is this all for?!" I would ask myself. I wanted escape, but did not know how; I was frustrated, held in a prison of their limitations, their passive aggressive approval of my pitiful attempts to fly and fail. They never taught me how. What could I do but flounder and fail? Exhausted at my own impotency to effect my own life I begged whatever powers could hear me for meaning.


I see now what I could not. I am making things happen, because I now know that I can. I've been given an amazing gift, one of love- and faith.
"What is it all for?!"
.....for the future.


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Friday, September 28, 2007

   Music
Taking a break from studying, I'm thinking about another artistic project. Without saying too much I'd rather plug in my headphones and let the music take me away to a place more magical than this. This Autumn I'll leave my residence again in search of home, this track reminds me of that; as if I could ever forget. Time passes but I wonder how many of my own silent reveries I've spent there- without even knowing it. I am wandering the trail, lying in the riverbed- eyes fixed on a cloudless sky. I am there again, if only in a daydream. The wind blows light and soft. We are holding hands- you are giggling with me; marveling at the bubbles you blow, and the way they light on the breeze and drift in lazy arches over the patio gate. The scene fades, and I am here again- waiting for an opportunity to shrug out of my skin and slip into somewhere better. I want to find my porch swing in the golden sunlight, book propped open to the latest chapter, sandals kicked off next to the flower pots and garden hose.

I want to go back home, but for now it remains a daydream; it is no more to me now than an illusion, gone with the final flickers of summer light.

and so am I
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Wednesday, September 12, 2007

   “ timeless”

The day is sublime; I am reminded by a gentle breeze how fleeting our short-lived sorrows and elations are. The sky is light, but turning towards autumn. Nothing gold can stay, at least not here. There is no fountain of youth for the wistful, daydreaming soul. What importance is there, in dwelling on the lingering memory of a lover, or the melancholic thought of a season long since passed? Years slip past- living in memories. There is no sense in it. Our beloved 'once' has gone on, will not return- cannot return to us. We alone are here and now; we go on as the seasons- blooming, whithering, dying- and being reborn. In life's flow we grow, change- flow on. It is not stopped, cannot be halted- we float on and leave the past behind us; our memories are nothing more than the phantasmagoric stars dotting our twilight pasts. . . we are transcendent of it.
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Sunday, July 29, 2007

Heroism
((this is my feeble attempt at making heads or tails of the complex- contradictory idea of what it means to be a hero.))

...sometime later

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Monday, July 23, 2007

Q&A time
Well, we haven't done this in a while, huh?

*I've been busy. Work, art, reading for AP, family

Ok that's enough. You're just making excuses for not taking care of yourself. staying up until 3am, when what you need most is sleep? That's not exactly what I'd call intelligent.

* Well, I'm not being irresponsible! I had the day off you know...

Not many of those, eh?

*No, not many at all. I hope the money's good and my job holds...


It wouldn't?

*Work permit

Right. From school, I assume? what are your thoughts on that?

* I'm glad you asked...

Ok, enough said- moving on: You're a senior right?

*not yet.

Yes, you are. How dose that make you feel?

* Like I'd rather not think about senior year.

What classes are you taking?

*AP gvt and English with Eulau and Capn'

Anything else?

*filer classes

Well, that's school. How are things at home?

*home? I have one of those? I feel so displaced these days...I don't know what to do.

Really?

* I mean I'd like to go home, if I can. If I can decide what 'home' is.




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Thursday, July 5, 2007

Patriotism
My country tis of the...sweet land of...? What is it that symbolizes a country? That sums its spirit of (dis?)unity and national belonging? When I mentioned seeing the fireworks to a few of my guildies in an MMORPG I frequent, I was rather dismayed to be greeted with a combination of bitter discord and polite scoffing at the idea of showing even the slightest homage to the day. mostly the objection came from a distant (and I'll add- Canadian) friend of mine, who in one brief instance shattered my jovial mood and in its wake, left a feeling of cynical regret for having harbored any form of idealistic wishes on (what many in my nation consider) a time of great joy and celebration. Let's face it, higher morals aside for a moment every nation is entitled to one day of backyard catch, fireworks and hot dogs to unify (if for even a moment) the millions of rugged individuals into one collective sense of pride and fellowship. But in that moment in stead of the joy begotten of light-hearted patriotism and pride, I was forced to reconsider where exactly I stood: as an American, and as an individual.

I want to defend my country when we are accused of exuberance, sloth, fanciful ennui, and self awareness to the point of arrogance- even the mistakes of my government when put under the foreign lens rally within me a certain defensive instinct that not even I can explain. True I secretly have my criticism and even see room for definite improvement. I disagree about spending and (as an adamant pacifist) dislike war, and hold a removed point of view about the frilly pop culture of the time; I also however trust the powers that be ( for the most part) to do as we have elected them, and continue this countries legacy gallantly as their predecessors have for decades before. In this I believe- that while all governments have their flaws, err only begs room for improvement. As a member of a younger generation I find it my responsibility to change the flaws I see ( unlike many of my peers)a nation worthy of attention and change- a change that we can, and will see to fruition as adults and beyond. I am frightened my the masses of those who would condemn a nation "unworthy" of change, based on these few (and over-hyped) flaws.

As I survey my country in this most sacred of days, I see a curious assortment of the humbly sentimental, and the stubbornly cynical. "Patriotism" a word hanging just at the tips of tongues nation wide.What does this word mean to you? Does it arouse mental images of the proud and lofty flag? Does it stir within you an urge to sing a hymn of fond national sentiment? Or perhaps it brings to light images and thoughts of a more negative nature? I have seen it come to be used as both a term of great pride and (even as of late) a description of blind and ignorant devotion- sheep to the slaughter left at the mercy of a pair of bloodthirsty and power hungry bafoons; fighting and dying under the banner of this much loved and loathed "Patriotism".

To avoid the atrocious mistake of historical misrepresentation I will leave the issue of comparison from the time and views of patriotism during the Vietnam war and now where it belongs- to the historians (who will do the misrepresentation for me).

Patriotism while largely debated is individual, and must be expressed as such, and so I will say no more on the issue. But I will say this much: on this day of reflection upon the symbolic birth of a nation I hold dear- I raise my patriotic cup of coffee in a toast "to the Union- it must (and will) be preserved"

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Wednesday, July 4, 2007

Happy fourth- a somewhat diferent view of
Jimi Hendrix National Anthem

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   Insecurity
Have I posted anything worth while lately? At all?

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Tuesday, July 3, 2007

literary coward
I am a literary coward.I refuse to take risks with literature, most of the time.And all the worse is how I hide from the harshness of reality behind my 'safe' classic literature. I'll rant about this later- once I've had a decent cup of coffee, or at the least more tea.

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