Tuesday, December 4, 2007

   ...The best laid plans of mice and men...we'll see what happens.
Time for the long and short of it all: Life is rarely as we expect it to be. If I can be accused of anything it is of preaching the transience of life- in all of it's aspects and forms. To be brief, i owe my long silence to the struggle to evade this inevitability, ineffectively so. if at any time Fortune has found it fair to bestow upon me wisdom, it is as I have always mused- a serindipitous chance, removed from anything of mine own doing or mortal fumbling. The folowing reflects more of my thoughts than I can: they are my college application latters- revised and all but writen in my own blood (that you see, would be far too messy, after all, who has that kind of time? ^-^).

((This is my first essay- aimed at a description of my life and background.))

A dream is the highest and purest desire of one's heart, limited only by one's ambition. As a child, I held this to be an unalterable truth- my youth was built on dreams. The only and illegitimate child to a middle class working mother, I held fast to my dreams- seeing little else of great hope in the present. Ambitious to a fault I planned my life in the ways that only a child could have: a fairy princess one day- president the next, the world would one day see me as I did in my dreams. I would not be limited by circumstance, but would follow my dreams to fruition, come what may.

That is not to say mine is a story of unopposed success and unrestrained ambition. Tossed between my mother and grandparent's homes and faced with constant inconsistencies, I grew up balancing my life with my dreams: the possible and the practicality, feeling at an early age the weight of “reality” crushing out “fantasy”. So too from am early age I managed a tempestuous home life and the strain of acquiring an education. My time outside of school growing up can be characterized by a chaotic instability, leaving little room for scheduled studying: here one day, gone the next.”Home” was always a term used loosely and always within the context of “for now”. The knowledge I acquired as a child came from (or rather, in spite of) the fragility with which I perceived my life-and to this day two aspects of my person remain stubbornly unchanged: my thirst for learning and my unshakable resolve to better myself and aspire for a future transcendent of my unfortunate beginnings.

I will not say, however that I am all the worse for it. If (in my tumultuous yet thus far brief) upbringing I have gained something it is this: the undying spirit of the undaunted optimist and the relentless will to dream in spite of the dreary “reality” which would discourage doing so.

In times of greater stability, I have learned to make up for lost time, so to say; I have learned to evaluate my circumstances with no more than the barest nod, and move beyond it- always in the name of progress, always for the chance to become more than I am at present.

Borrowing a friend's Internet connection in lieu of my own, I leave for work in less than an hour; my shift followed closely by time allocated for the remains of tonight's homework before I sleep, wake, and repeat the cycle. I say this to illustrate my unremitting dedication to advancing myself beyond my origins through the value of my own perseverance and determination; in this manner I strive to match my actions to personify what Kipling said in his poem “If”, as I “Hold on, when there is nothing in you...except the Will which says...hold on.” and as is also true in my case- the Dream.

Looking back I am able to see my past failures as a means to drive myself to greater success, where once I only saw shame. They are now far overshadowed by my renewed commitment to success. To this day I still value the power of dreams: it is my dream to attend college, and to continue my education. It is my dream to better myself and my circumstance, and I will- if given the opportunity.


((and my second essay...a mere depiction of life through one instance in which I take pride))


There is a small coffee shop near my home that I frequent when either thirst or my spiritual well being necessitate it. On such occasions I find myself peering out at the world from behind my coffee cup, or allowing my mind to wander from the debate case in my lap. During one such an instance, I wandered into a daydream and came to the conclusion that my path in life has been marked by a series of pivotal moments that have shaped the person I am.

One memory specifically, stands out: my first away Speech and Debate tournament during my Freshman year of High School. The sun was setting on the second day of an all-weekend tournament; and my partner (also a freshman) and I were showing the wear a weekend of competitive speaking can have on two introverted freshman. Anxious about our upcoming event, and feeling fatigued, I stepped out of the room in which we were assigned to speak. Our speaking time was fast approaching, and despite hours of practice and daily rehearsals- I was overcome with how unprepared we were- when measured against our (upperclassman) competition. As I waited, footsteps echoed down the hall in which I sat. At just that moment, the speech captain from my school approached me, looking concerned. My story found its way out before I had the will to stop it: I wasn't as good as the varsity speakers, I was afraid of letting my team (and my partner) down, placing last, or being rejected for not preforming well. I would be best off sitting out the round, or so I thought. He said only this: “Ganbatte”. The translation, he patiently explained, was simple. It meant that one should do his of her best and take pride in doing so- regardless of the result. Placing first or dead last was irrelevant- it was only a failure if I did not give it my all. My best was enough- win, or lose. I returned to my partner, and although the end result was irrelevant (dead last) I find pride in the return, and the experience that allowed me to see beyond the labels of “winning” and “losing”. If I am changed by this moment of fear and indecisiveness, it is because simultaneously I found a hope and a resolve I could not have imagined possible. It is a philosophy (and a memory) that I cherish, and to this day inspires me to give my all to something- and to take pride in doing so.



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