Friday, June 2, 2006

   Letting go of heroes...growing up...painfully
What IS a hero? Anyone know? What does it mean to have one? To find one? To loose one?

...I wonder why we can't just find strength in ourselvs- why we have to invent 'heroes' to look up to and embody our values- our ambition.

But enough ambiguity. on to the POINT of this post.
This one is about growing up- changes and heroes.

Needless to say- every child grows up,usually this means changes. Sometimes these changes are good-othes bad, but I'll not bore you with cliche.

In my own way- I've experienced some of life's changes first-hand, this time in the form of one of those inevitable growing pains.

This time, I faced growing up-
in a different way.

It is at this time that I am forced to see the people around me in a new way. The way they are, not the way I'd convinced myself they were. More accurately, I've been confronted with the reality of a person, that for too long I had ignored.

As I'm getting older I see myself grow beyond my childhood toys, clothes, and even fears. Long ago I denounced the monster under the bed, long ago- I stopped needing someone to "tuck me in" or "kiss my owies"

I've known all along that one day I'd have to drop the hand that's kept me safe for all of these years, and walk on my own.

I knew, I know- that one day I will be completely on my own, and that I would have to be my own guide through life, I knew one day...even if I was lying to myself...I just wanted to maintain that lie for a little longer. Even if it was postponing the inevitable truth, I wanted that lie for just a little longer...

I had no idea, however that it would be through such violent- abrupt means. I had no idea that it would be such an ugly horrible thing, nor that when all was said and done-

I'd walk away alone knowing whole-heartedly , that it was indeed for the best.

this is the meaning of growing up- this is "proof of life"

- and now,for once, I will try to stand without the help of "my hero".

(This song says it all)

"Goodbye Alice in Wonderland"
~Jewel~
It's four in the afternoon
I'm on a flight leaving L.A.
Trying to think about my life
My youth scattered along the highway

Hotel rooms and headlines
I've made a living with a song
Just a guitar as my companion
Wanting desperately to belong

Fame is filled with spoiled children
They grow fat on fantasy
I guess that's why I'm leaving
I crave reality

So goodbye Alice in Wonderland
Goodbye yellow brick road
There is a difference between dreaming and pretending
I did not find paradise
It was only a reflection of my lonely mind wanting
what's been missing in my life.

I'm embarassed to say the rest is
rock and roll cliche
I hit the bottom when I reached the top
I never knew it was you who was breaking my heart
I thought you had to love me
But you did not

Yes a heart can hallucinate
If it's completely starved for love
Can even turn monsters into
Angels from above

You forged my love like a weapon
And you turned it against me like a knife
You broke my last heartstring
But you opened up my eyes

So goodbye Alice in Wonderland
Goodbye yellow brick road
There is a difference between dreaming and pretending
That was not love in your eyes
It was only a reflection of my lonely mind
Searching for what's been missing in my life

And growing up is not the absence of dreaming
It's being able to understand the difference between the ones you can hold
And the ones that you've been sold

And dreaming is a good thing cause it brings new things to life
But pretending is an ending that perpetuates a lie
Forgetting what you are
Seeing for what you've been told

Well, truth is stranger than fiction
And this is my chance to get it right
Life is much better without all of those pretty lies.

So Goodbye Alice in Wonderland
You can keep your yellow brick road
Cause there is a difference between dreaming and pretending
These are my tears, in my eyes.
They are only a reflection of my lonely mind finding
They are only a reflection of my lonely mind finding
I found what's missing in my life.

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