Tuesday, August 28, 2007

   Quick Question
[rant]

Is suicide for weaklings or the ones strong enough to actually go through with it? Is it the easy way out or the only way out of misery? Would it be easier on everyone do just do it? Would loved ones have easier and less miserable lives if I weren't around?

The pain they would feel would go away eventually right? It would be worth them being happy most of the time instead of miserable all of the time? One less mouth to feed, one less person to worry about getting hurt or hurting you ...

What's so great about life and why do people fear death or see it as evil. Would nothingness be better than the roller coaster of life? Going from happiness to misery over and over and over again?

Most of the time I think that going through all of this pain makes life worth it. I know that if I can make it through this pain then I can make it through anything! But it's so hard when it seems like I'm the only one willing to put up with it and forge ahead. It's hard when it seems like I'm the only one willing to sacrifice things for the team ...

Part of me just wants to go to sleep and never wake up again ... and part of me wants to keep going and see certain things come about. Things like getting married, having kinder and raising them as best as I can with the help of the one I love. To give the Army a shot and see how long I stay in and what I do afterwards. To see how many people I can impact in a positive way. To see how many troubled and broken people I can help. But part of me wants to end all the pain ... physical and mental / emotional. Part of me wants to make it all go away so I don't have to go through it anymore.

It seems I have a conflict of interest ... I don't want to lose the one I love but she flip-flops on whether or not she wants to be with me. One of these days she's going to end things and then I'll have nothing because she doesn't date people more than once. Once it's over, it's over. I don't want that. I'll be nothing more than an empty shell. My life will have no purpose, no direction. I won't care anymore. I'll probably spend my entire remaining life in the Army ... alone ...

[/rant]
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