Tuesday, November 9, 2004

   something I am working on, comments are welcome

BATTLES





Battles I face, day in and day out. I am never free from the unrelenting assaults that my mind doth make. I am plagued with battle manifested in dream and reality. Many would see my predicament as mere folly, but to me it is torture. I am filled with hatred and love all at the same time. Whilst I despise humanity for what it is and what it is not I too love it for the same reasons. I see people destroy everything that they come in contact with without a mere wince or regret on their faces. I see too the people that cherish what they have and try to preserve that which will inevitably be corrupted and I admire that amount of unending devotion! I wish I could go back to the simple days from whence I came where I didn’t care either way but alas such is not to be, I have damned myself to this abysmal and hellish state of mind. Afore I came here I hadn’t a care in the world, my only goal was to destroy it but now there is a want, nay a need to help preserve humanity for the sakes of those who “fight the good fight” so to say. I try to remember how my change of mind came about but to no avail. I still relish in the chaos that goes on around me but at the same time I fear for those I care for. Dreams used to be my sanctuary but they are no panacea for my troubles anymore. I dream of war and chaos and death, but in that war I see liberation, in that chaos I see rebirth and a new beginning, and in that death I see peace. Alas no one knows what goes on in death, it could be much worse than life. Many believe in a Heaven or Hell in some way or other and Heaven is seen as good whilst Hell seen as evil and full of pain and suffering. The Norse believed that upon death in the way of battle the fallen would be carried to the halls of Valhalla where they would dine with the gods and do battle everyday, that was their Heaven, and to be quite honest, one I would like to go to, I know what you must be thinking, for one who is so tired of battles to want more is hypocritical. However the battles I speak of seeing and going through are mainly psychological ones, ways of testing ones mental endurance and strength. I would love a place full of physical battles for they are easier by far. For your opponents can be seen and dealt with, they can be hurt; unlike mental enemies that can be rarely injured and even rarer, killed. The world will never know true peace until all like me are driven from existence! As long as people like me and of like mind are alive or even our ideas are alive then there will always be battles to fight. Tempers will flare, blood will be spilt, and friendships will be severed. That is why I have come to the conclusion that to gain true peace the human race should be killed off, but at the same time as my mind says this, my heart, o’ accursed of things, I thought it black as night but to much dismay it has some red to it. It will not allow me to willingly let my friends and loved ones perish, and I cannot willingly take my own life for it is against my beliefs, twisted as they may be, they are still present, and I enjoy and am grateful for most of them. Even though at times they make my battles more tortuous, they also bring a sense of hope and happiness to me and give mere seconds of peace, but they don’t last more than a few seconds. So I shall continue to fight my battles and long for things that I can never have or know and one day I shall come to the end of my journey and be judged, and I shall not deny any accusations against me for the judge will know the truth and I shall accept my sentencing whether it be Heaven, Hell, Purgatory, or the honorable halls of Valhalla. I will fight for my friends and do my best to protect them at all costs, whether those costs be my sanity or my life, they are mine to pay and I do so willingly. For that is who I am and if I had not those principles that I adhere to then who would I be? I hope to live long and help many along my way, I wish to ease the suffering of all I meet, whether the suffering be small or gigantic in nature. This is how I shall deal with my enemies, my battles. There is a quote from a movie called “The Scorpion King,” it was said by a group of Acadians, “Live long, die well.” That is one of my favorite quotes because it isn’t fancy and it doesn’t have any hidden meanings, it is simple and straight forward. So to you all I say, “Live long, Die well!”

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