Wednesday, March 30, 2005

  I was up until 2 last night lying awake in bed because I couldn’t sleep. Why? Because I realized that my parents don't respect me, and they never will. I do everything I'm told the first time, no matter how stupid or trivial it is, my grades are almost exemplarily, I have near perfect behavior, and I'm the head of freaking' Prayer Ring on the Internet. I'm being the best kid I can be. But is that good enough for them? No. They still monitor me like a paranoid nanny watching a toddler. I thought I had actually earned free-range over the internet. No, my mom installs this little "Be Safe" protection piece of crap. This is going to be just like that crappy block she has on my TV. It'll block stuff that it's not supposed to, and it'll not block stuff that it should. I'd think with my age, maturity, grades and behavior I would be allowed a little more freedom. I guess those molester perverts are just to smart for me. This piece of crap is also blocking www.photobucket.com. How stupid is that?

I thought that Spring Break would finally give me the ability to draw without having to plan it around my school schedule. Nope. Super mom does it again by giving me a fricken' bed time like a 2-year-old. I guess 11 on a weekend is too late for learning, drawing, praying.

After realizing how little my parents respect how much I've done, I couldn't sleep. I was angry to the point of being in tears (Ooh, teenage guys can cry? Big fricken' whoop) that I couldn't even sleep. I'll never be good enough for my parents, and they'll never understand me. Every time I finally pull out of a slump of depression they fling me back down into it at mach speed. They don't appreciate what I do for this family, what I do for God, what I do for the people around me. I bet my paranoid mom is reading this post right now. Well mom, if you are, just know that you've ruined my spring break, and you're ruining the last 4 years that I'll be living with you. Bravo.

And don't any of you give any of this "hope everything works out OK! Bye Bye!" BS. Don't talk to me unless you actually are one of the few people who care how I feel. If I were to be found dead in my bed tomorrow morning, I doubt more then 3 people would even shed a tear. Few people would miss me, barely anybody understands what I'm going through, and nobody, that's right, and NOBODY respects me. The only people I can successfully share my feelings with are a bunch of people on an anime art site that could be net-pervs for all I know. I'm just as pathetic as they come, aren't I?

I just don't care anymore. My parents must want me to feel sad all the time. They're the autocrats here, so if that's what they want, then that's what they'll get, one way or another. I'm sitting here whimpering like a puppy that's been hit with a hammer, so I guess they can consider their efforts a success. I try my hardest, and nobody cares. It's days like this that make me want to leave The Otaku. It would be one less reason for my parents to condemn the internet. Maybe I could use the time that I'm on the internet to foolishly attempt to please my parents. They always said that good behavior and age are rewarded with freedom and trust. BS. They never meant that, and if they love me so much then they need to show it. But if I were to stop using The Otaku, it would make me unhappy, and that in itself would make my parents happy. So I'm considering it as a distinct possibility.

I'm seriously ready to throw up right now I'm so angry. I can't win, and I can't be happy. I'm just gonna' get screwed over again and again and again, no matter what I do. I'll never get the respect or freedom I've earned, I'll never meet a good friend that'll really stick by me, and I'll never meet anyone that's more then a friend. Nobody appreciates what I am or what I've been raised to be, so maybe if I convert all my positive behavior into negative behavior, I'll be respected.

This is "AwesomeDude898" signing off and signing out, maybe for good if I don't decide against it. I'm going to flip off my computer for now, in both meanings of the term.
Comments (7)