Friday, April 7, 2006

   Long post, but please accept my apology....
Hey everybody.

Well, if you know me well enough, then you know what’s coming next:
Saddened, self-loathing apologies.

Honestly, I really owe you guys an apology.
I said a lot of things that were understandably taken as something offensive, but honestly weren’t meant to be taken as such.
What I said was said out of anger, desperation and stress, and we all know what anger, desperation and stress do to you, don’t we?: Cloud your judgment.
I took my feelings and expressed them in a way that sounded derogatory and mean, and for that I’m very, very sorry.

Please don’t feel that when I say “I didn’t mean for what I said to be taken the way it was” that I’m trying to make excuses and share the blame. All I’m trying to say is that I went on a rant but was not careful as to how I said things.
Usually I’m a lot more careful about how I express how I feel in either talking or writing because so many things can easily be taken the wrong way. But, I was extremely angry and stressed when I wrote it, so I didn’t take the same care as to how I phrased things, and thus they sounded less like rants and more like accusations.

Again, I’m not trying to shift blame or claim innocence by saying it was misinterpreted.
It was my fault it sounded accusatory and mean. Nobody else’s.
I tell you this because I want you to know that what you gleaned from those posts were not my actual feelings and opinions. What you thought I meant is not what I meant.

Please know:

When I said “I’ll see you all in Hell”, it was out of just general anger.
It wasn’t anger directed toward you guys, it was me being an ass in the way I expressed my anger.
In retrospect, it was inappropriate, and I apologize.
It wasn’t something directed at my friends on The Otaku, but it sure sounded like it was. So please know, I’m sorry.

When I said “don't give me shit about being hormone-drivinly cynical”, I wasn’t referring to the multitude of times you people have helped me in the past.
It was meant to be taken as a warning as to not just think “Oh, it’s just those teenage-hormones acting up”.
Again, it was not directed at anybody, nor was it a reference to any previous incident. It was just a failed attempt at saying “it’s not my hormones, thank you”.

I was not trying to insinuate with my rant that I’m the only one experiencing problems, nor that I’m the one experiencing the worst problems.
I know many of you have shit to deal with that’s WAY tougher then anything I’ll ever encounter. Many of you have past (or current) experiences that are far more traumatizing then a mean-spirited little brother and ignorant, hypocritical parents.
And yet most of you that do have it tougher then I do somehow act chipper and resilient despite having to deal with such things.
People like that (and you know who you are ~_^ ) are just a joy to be around, and they remind me my skin needs to be a little tougher to be happy in this world.

I was not trying to talk-down to anyone here as if my problems were something more difficult then yours.
What I meant to express was that many of you don’t quite fully know what exactly goes on in my household to be able to give advice on what should be done (by no fault of your own, of course. It’s just due to the fact that you’d have to live here to know all the details of the circumstances).
I was trying to explain that my post wasn’t taken as it was meant to be taken, but as with everything else my own frustration prevented me from expressing it correctly, thus it sounded like I was treating you like ignorant subordinates, which was not my intention.



So, I come to you to ask for your forgiveness.
Please forgive me for acting/sounding like such a total dick to the people that are here to help and support me.
Needless to say, from now on I’ll be more careful as to how I say things when I’m angry, lest they come off as accusations, harassment or put-downs.

I’m sorry I sounded like I was being accusatory, self-absorbed, stubborn, over-reactive, self-pitying, angry, ignorant or just generally stupid.
Many different factors contributed from many different sources (school, parents, hormones, etc.) and it culminated in a big misunderstanding due to my own rash way expressing my feelings.
Will you guys please forgive me for that?

The bottom line: What you read wasn’t what I meant. It sounded the way it did because I wasn’t careful as to how I said things, and it was taken as me being a general dick. I’m honestly sorry for hurting anybody’s feelings, insulting anybody’s positions or stances, offending anybody who tried to help, and sending disrespect to those whom I respect.
I didn’t mean it to be taken the way it was taken, and I ask you for your forgiveness. I’ll do my very best to not let outside issues cause misunderstandings in our friendships from now on.
Erin, Lindsey, Rosa, and everyone else involved; I’m sorry.

I don’t blame you if you don’t accept my apology, but please think about it, OK?
I greatly, greatly appreciate those who read through all that, and even more so those who can and will find it in their hearts to forgive me and let this mess be cleared-up between us.

Thank you, and I love you all. =)

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