Saturday, May 22, 2004

Its A Spin Cycle!
I'm angry at myself.
Why is it that i LOVE God SOOO much, but I haven't experinced a "wake"...wait, I have since I joined my new church...or heard anyone speak in tongues? I don't have a stellar testimony (story of how you became a Christain).
My Story:
Born and raised in a lukewarm church. Always believed in God-amazing maturity (sigh, its tough being an adult-kid) and insight. Became christain at nine years old. Became "hardcore" only a few months ago...since joining my new church...now in a mess of "trials" (problems) and I'm....at peace! (Crazy, eh?) Have AMAZING gifts, but don't care cause I don't know what my spiritual gift is, so I count the rest less than their worth. Everyday I beg for love (not the romancey kind, pervs) courage, wisdom, and strength to endure. I am blessed by receiving that. (Ironic that I'm tired of being the "strong one" and yet I ask for courage and wisdom and strength! Sheesh,, I'm ironic.)
Same time, I haven't had a major "180" as my youth pastor calls it (a major turn around from sin) cause I've always believed. Why does it feel that no one is as "hardcore" or willing to be as me? Mom says that I might have the gift of intercessory prayer (fighting through prayer) but how can I when don't know how to pray? I get started off so "hardcore" but then no one is ready to be hardcore with me. I feel alone in my family, and I curse my own boundaries cuz my awesome christain friend I'm afraid to tell of this all because of the "dishonor" and shame i feel. I mean, I DESIRE to be obsessed with God, and to have an awesome prayer life. But the spin cycle kicks in and I'm lukewarm, loosing any "hardcore"-ness.

I WANT TO BE WITH GOD! I WANT TO SHOUT OUT HIS LOVE FROM THE ROOFTOPS, DANCE AND SING FOREVER FOR HIM! I WANT TO BE OBSESSED WITH GOD, TO LIVE EVERY MOMENT AS A SACRIFICE TO HIM! OH GOD, I JUST LOVE YOU!!!!

I bet the nonchristains reading that are just like "...huh?" but while most people want to cure cancer, I want to help save souls from rotting in hell. Yes, hell. If you don't have a relationship with God, you're going to hell.

Its the cold hard truth.
Comments (1)