Saturday, December 4, 2004

Everyone, please I need your help...
I wouldn't care if you'll say that I'm a big Idiot to post another kind of thing here, but I HAVE TO OPEN THIS UP so I would lessen the pain in me somehow. And that I need YOUR help. You can comment on this post, tell me what you think I must do. If you don't want to read the post, well, I'm not forcing you to, but I really need your help.

Ok, here's the stupid story.

AGAIN, things are rushing in my hard coconut head, whenever I am alone or hearing songs that reminds me of VICTOR. Yeah, it's his name. I don't care if he reads this, but I think he cannot read this because he has his own life right now and he's busy with his studies and his beloved RAGNAROK.

Who is VICTOR? Well, about him, he was just a part of my past, where I can't escape because I was a big IDIOT to keep on thinking and remembering things about him. He was my boyfriend 3 years ago (May 28, 2001). I can't blame myself for I loved him so much, though we had some misunderstandings and miscommunication before, though he love somebody else because of the reason that HE has a BIG problem about his studies. He said he was shy to tell me about his problem and he even said that if ever he told me that, EVEN THOUGH I'M HIS GIRLFRIEND THAT TIME, he can't show his face to me anymore because of his problem. But hey, WHAT AM I DOING BEING HIS GIRLFRIEND?? AM I NOT THE ONE WHO CAN COMFORT HIM OR HELP HIM WITH THAT? AND NO MATTER WHAT HAPPEN OR WHAT HE IS, I LOVE HIM FOR WHAT HE IS. I DON'T CARE IF HE'S LIKE THAT. I don't want to say his problem here, because it would be kind of a big disgrace for him. Ok, back to the story...

Last September 21, 2004, we met up at Marketplace, Kalentong, Mandaluyong because I have to pay his pRO account because I bought it. Then, on that day, we're inside the PC shop, he was teaching me how to work with his characters, and then, when he already finished explaining, he told me to use the remaining time to browse sites. Then he was just there, sitting beside me and watching. I really don't want to glance at him that time, but I glanced at him only once. I saw that he was kind of tired and sleepy. So then I asked him if he's sleepy, and he said he's not. And then I continued to browse. And just after a few minutes after I asked that to him, he placed his head on my shoulder, and slept there for just a few minutes. I wasn't reacting on that, but inside my coconut head, I was thinking that he's just, well, I don't really understand, I was confused that time... I don't want to think that he wants me back, or even think that he ever have plans on courting me again. I was quiet and still continued to browse. What's worse is that we're at the part of the PC shop that's on the far and near the corner and the shop was kind of dark. And then, when we're already finished, we went out of the mall, and while walking, we're talking about things, but I can't remember what they are. Then when we're outside the mall, he returned to his classes, and I went home. The same night, we talked over the phone, because I still have to give him 100 pesos, and we set the day on September 24, 2004 which is Friday. I talked to him on a three-way phone, and it was me, Victor and Kapatid (who is the owner of the phone who has that three-way function whose on the phone.
Kapatid was listening to our conversation, and was laughing because of the things that Victor is saying. Victor was saying things that was kinda like "signs" of whatever I think it was. Like, mentioning if I already heard a kiss on the phone, which he does before, etc. Duh... I really don't know what to say that time but I rode on with his talk. And then, when that September 24, 2001 came, we met again. Then, that time, he accompanied me to the jeepney stop there, which is kind of weird because the first time we met that time (Sept. 21) he directly came back to his class. And while we're on our way, he offered me a candy. But I refused. Then, after that day, I tried calling him again, but I can't talk to him because his mother always blocks in. And one time, when I had the chance to talk to him again, I accidentally mentioned about my birthday, and I said that I was kind of sad because I can't invite my friends here because I don't have a celebration. (I mean no party) Then, he said that he'll treat me on my birthday. I laughed and told him "Are you serious?" he replied "Would I tell you that if I wasn't serious?" Well, I was kind of blocked there, and just replied ok. But then, my mom did a small party here, which I didn't expected. And before my birthday, I asked him if he can come, and he said that, IT'S OK BECAUSE IT'S WEDNESDAY, RAGNAROK IS IN SERVER MAINTENANCE SO HE CAN COME. When he said that, I was really hurt. But I just think about his presence there, so I neverminded it. Then, my birthday came. I called him at noontime, and he replied that he can't come for some reason that I doubt that is not true. I was very disappointed, VERY DISAPPOINTED... And the hours passed by, yeah I had fun with my classmates, but, there's something missing. I was still sad. And when it was 10:13 PM, he texted me, and said: "Happy bday. Sori if i cudnt come. Anyway, best wishes. G'nyt" At that moment, I was sitting in front of my room's door. I almost cried at that very moment. Raijin-sama saw the expression on my face. But I forced myself not to cry there because my guests are happy there chatting and playing. I feel crushed inside that time... And I replied to him:

"Yeah tnx, I knew that you can't come. I just called you to hear from you that you can't come so I won't wait and get disappointed. By the way, I'm sorry for my calls since 2001. I won't call you anymore so I won't disturb you and for your mom not to hung up the phone. And thanks for the text, this is the first time that you used your celphone to text me. I'll keep this as a gift from you. Thanks for everything... Luv you so much"

I really feel crushed, and after the celebration, well, I just slept. After that, I really never called him anymore. Until now. What's bothering me now is that, I still have this feeling towards him, that even if I try to remove it, I really can't get over it. And I remembered what Raijin-sama said that, I should tell what I really feel to a person, so the person will at least know. And now, I am thinking about it, from yesterday until today, and until maybe, when I already made my decision. So I need your help. See, I promised not to call him anymore, so I plan going to his house, and call him out, give him a gift (to be more specific, a teddy bear) and directly tell him what I feel for him. I don't care if he already have a girlfriend now, all I want is to say how I feel. I would appreciate whatever his reply maybe, either negative or positive, I'll accept it. I just want to say it to him so I won't be bothered every night thinking of him and cry everytime I'm alone thinking about the times I was with him. Well, the stupid story ends here, sorry if it's very long but I wrote everything to make the situation clear to you. So, please comment on what you think I must do. I would really appreciate comments here. Thank you very much.





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Monday, November 29, 2004

At Last!! My Site's Finished!!
At last!! My site is finished!! To the highest level!! Lolz!!

I have already finished the new version of my poetry site! You can visit it here: http://poetryhime.cjb.net and please don't forget to sign my guestbook ok!! ^^

It was a very rainy day today! I hope it will be fair tomorrow so we can have our classes. And also... It's the birthday of my Kapatid tomorrow!! Happy Birthday Kapatid!!

I'm soooo happy!!! Hollahhh!!






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Friday, November 26, 2004

Boring Day
Yeah, a really boring day... -_-

I keep on sleeping every afternoon! x__x I went to school by 7:13, and exactly when I entered the classroom, the teacher was checking the attendance again. I am always in the last minute lolz! Can't escape the traffic jam here... :|

This day isn't really that good, and whats worse is that it's too boring too. We have done nothing since 8:00, and we attended the Seminar again in our auditorium. Well somehow I learned something from the history of Manila... Lolz! And after that, we're all very hungry... -_- We're struggling if we'd still have our classes at Earth Science and since there are still no classroom and professor available, we went home immediately... Then again, when I reached my room, I slept AGAIN... Lolz It's just sooo boring... Really... And I still can't play pRO, CS, MU, etc. on my pc, so I want to change my OS ASAP... Damn! Sooo boring!! And makes me feel lazy... -_-

See ya all later people!





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Thursday, November 25, 2004

Stupid School
Amph! Stupid School! Why would they declare that there are classes if there's a Public Vehicle Strike?? And all other college schools have suspended their classes! Damn...

It's very annoying that people in my school don't decide carefully! Apmh!! Some of the students will go home to Cavite, Alabang, Paranaque, Laguna, etc. but there are no public vehicles available because there's a strike?? Amphhh really stupid!!

I went there by 7:45 AM. Less than 20 of my classmates made it there, others didn't come because they're too far away. Our professors in Phil. History and Philosophy cancelled our classes and allowed us to go home. Darn... When I reached my bedroom, I slept. I was very tired and dizzy. Then after that, I went out to check my pRO account in a PC shop near our house. I was with Kero there too.

Well, I just got home, and is now posting this. Sorry for the lazy post. I'm not in the mood to post today really. See you later minna!






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Wednesday, November 24, 2004

Fine Day!
Hello! Its a good day today! Not scolded, everything in peace and order and I feel relaxed.

I was awaken by mommy's call on the phone, she rushed me to photocopy the documents because the original documents need to be returned today. She told me to get up and eat breakfast and take a bath fast. It was 10 AM, and I was kind of dizzy because I slept 4 AM today. Then, when I get there, she gave me the money and I went to Recto. After 30 minutes, the people there finished photocopying the documents. Then I returned at exactly 11:45. When I reach my mom's office, I asked her to buy me food, because I didn't really ate breakfast, and she ordered me a spaghetti and a cheeseburger. After I ate, I went home immediately. But before I got home, I passed by HTA (my former school) to get my english book from a 4th year friend. When I got the book, my son, Justine borrowed it again and he wants me to help him on writing business letters. I agreed and let him borrow my book again. Then after that, I went home. I opened my pc as soon as I got into my room. Then, I played Kininaru Aitsu, the image song of Li Syaoran of Card Captor Sakura. I dunno why I selected the song but, I felt kinda depressed or sad while listening to it. I really dont know why. But I like listening to it though I feel sad. Then, I browsed some of my files and attempted to make another layout, but after some minutes, I felt sleepy. Then I closed Adobe Photoshop and laid myself on bed. While playing Kininaru Aitsu, I fell asleep. It was 2:30 PM. I woke up at about 6:00 PM, and I turned off the computer. I went downstairs and covered my books. Then after that, when mommy and daddy got home, we ate dinner. Then now, I am posting this. It was like, my days went back to normal now. ^^ I'm so happy.
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Tuesday, November 23, 2004

Saved by my classmate, a very Lucky day!
Yeah! My classmate saved me! She's Mary Jane, my former classmate last semester. Why?

Last week, we talked over the phone, and she told me that she will stay here in our house overnight yesterday (monday, nov. 22). She asked for my help to finish her assignments and researches and reports. And yesterday, she came here 10:00 PM. Even though she's late, good thing my mom wasn't mad because she knows her very well. Then, we stay up late, chatting, doing her assignments, report and project, and then, when it was already 1:30 AM, I was very sleepy so I slept. She was typing for her report so she stayed up to 2:30, then she slept after that.

The funny part of this day is that, when I woke up, it was 6:00 already and my class is 7:00. I left the house with her by 6:40, so I arrived at school at about 7:20, but GOOD THING! I was saved again because when I ran to our classroom, the teacher began to check the attendance! Lolz!! I was lucky today really!! ^^ I'm so happy! hehe

And yes, again I'm lucky because my mom didn't scold me anymore! hahaha!! Soooo happy!! See you later everyone!
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Sunday, November 21, 2004

   Same as the past 3 days... duh!
Err... Now you know what I wanna say here. Still pissed off with what's happening to me, SCOLDED everyday... duh!!

I really hate this!!

I don't want to post anything here really because it's still the same! grr... No changes, still, my mom scolded me. And I expect another sermon tomorrow of course. Damn it!

I'm sorry people...
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Friday, November 19, 2004

   This isn't a good day...
Sheesh... When will these stupid things end? I really hate this...

Hmm... I was, AGAIN, scolded by my mother, AGAIN because I can't send her documents to the internet. She didn't understand that the files were too many and too large for the files to be uploaded online that fast. She didn't know that dial up connections are really really slow... I tried to explain those things to her but she didn't even gave me a chance to speak... She is thinking AGAIN that SHE'S RIGHT and only her belief will be honored. Damn it... And then, when I can't take her words anymore, even in front of her officemates, I REALLY cried! I can't take her words anymore!! I was really hurt... After I scanned (I REALLY MEAN SCANNED WITH A PICTURE SCANNER) 100+ papers, back and forth, with that kind of SLOW PC in their office, with incomplete tools/programs there. Damn it! Why can't she understand??? She's mad because I was unable to send it to the internet because it will take a very LONG time! Even if I suggested ways for the files to be sent to the internet, she neverminded them. What really hurt me is that when she said:"You only wasted your time and MY TIME! I wish I hadn't told you to scan them for me anymore if it will be like this." I felt that she didn't appreciated my efforts on working with her documents. I know my computer very much unlike other people's computer. I'm not used to other pc's that's why i haven't got the chance to do the things i needed to do. Damn it... Even while we are eating at a carinderia there, I was still crying... I really wanted to explain things to her but she won't listen, so I can't stop crying. This was the first time I cried in front of many people like that, but it wasn't the first time my mom didn't have listened to my explanations. I really hate that personality of hers. She won't listen to explanations because if she thinks she's right, she won't listen anymore. Damn... I don't want to write anymore here... I have said enough... I'll go back tomorrow. Take care everyone...
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Wednesday, November 17, 2004

Normal day
Hmm... Kind of, nothing special really happened today. It's just that I was scolded AGAIN by my mom because of small reasons, and we went to Makati for her business and went to SM North EDSA after that. We looked for my gown that I will use on saturday for the debut party of my friend. Well, it seems like I should use my old gown that I used when I was in 4th year high school (JS prom).

And whats worse is that I haven't worked on my assignment in Philippine History and Government yet! >_< I lost the copy of my assignment and it will be for tomorrow afternoon. I hope I can work for it tomorrow morning. x__x

And also, I accomplished something today too ^^ I already finished working on Marielle's blog layout. I hope it turned out well. If you want to react on the layout, you can freely comment in this post. ^^ I'm pleasured to take comments and criticizms. It improves me a lot. ^^

Take care people!
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Tuesday, November 16, 2004

   Is there hope?
...

Is there hope left for me? My family? Especially for my dad??

It's not that I'm not believing in God anymore on losing hope. But, of course I'm human, and I'm not God, I cannot do everything and change everything you know...

Why is the question?

Since before I was born, my dad is really alcoholic... He drinks any kind of liquor. Until now, I'm 17, for more than 17 years, he's been like that, and still getting worse. Its so sad to think that a father, that should be a role model to his children would be worse than it should be. Everyday, he drinks, at home or outside in other places. When he gets home, he's very noisy... He's kind of violent but he doesn't hurt me or my mom. But what's bad is that he brings the alcohol, not to his stomach but on his brain and he's acting like he doesn't know what he's doing and he's doing disrespectful, disgracing acts. I mean is that, when there's a guest, he's shouting out loud, or even bugs the guests, and even on the phone, just a while ago, while I'm talking with kapatid, he always hangs up the phone and shouts, and says foolish and non-sense things. I cried out loud and didn't care if our neighbors would hear it. Whom I was shy is to kapatid, because he always hears my dad everytime my dad's drunk and does disrespectful acts. It's really disappointing that, I was baptized, and now a part of God's ecclessia, but in my own family, I can't fix our problems? How would I help other people if my own family, I can't fix? I am always praying that God will bless my dad and lighten his spirit, so he will not be like that anymore... This is really a waste...
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