Saturday, December 4, 2004

Everyone, please I need your help...
I wouldn't care if you'll say that I'm a big Idiot to post another kind of thing here, but I HAVE TO OPEN THIS UP so I would lessen the pain in me somehow. And that I need YOUR help. You can comment on this post, tell me what you think I must do. If you don't want to read the post, well, I'm not forcing you to, but I really need your help.

Ok, here's the stupid story.

AGAIN, things are rushing in my hard coconut head, whenever I am alone or hearing songs that reminds me of VICTOR. Yeah, it's his name. I don't care if he reads this, but I think he cannot read this because he has his own life right now and he's busy with his studies and his beloved RAGNAROK.

Who is VICTOR? Well, about him, he was just a part of my past, where I can't escape because I was a big IDIOT to keep on thinking and remembering things about him. He was my boyfriend 3 years ago (May 28, 2001). I can't blame myself for I loved him so much, though we had some misunderstandings and miscommunication before, though he love somebody else because of the reason that HE has a BIG problem about his studies. He said he was shy to tell me about his problem and he even said that if ever he told me that, EVEN THOUGH I'M HIS GIRLFRIEND THAT TIME, he can't show his face to me anymore because of his problem. But hey, WHAT AM I DOING BEING HIS GIRLFRIEND?? AM I NOT THE ONE WHO CAN COMFORT HIM OR HELP HIM WITH THAT? AND NO MATTER WHAT HAPPEN OR WHAT HE IS, I LOVE HIM FOR WHAT HE IS. I DON'T CARE IF HE'S LIKE THAT. I don't want to say his problem here, because it would be kind of a big disgrace for him. Ok, back to the story...

Last September 21, 2004, we met up at Marketplace, Kalentong, Mandaluyong because I have to pay his pRO account because I bought it. Then, on that day, we're inside the PC shop, he was teaching me how to work with his characters, and then, when he already finished explaining, he told me to use the remaining time to browse sites. Then he was just there, sitting beside me and watching. I really don't want to glance at him that time, but I glanced at him only once. I saw that he was kind of tired and sleepy. So then I asked him if he's sleepy, and he said he's not. And then I continued to browse. And just after a few minutes after I asked that to him, he placed his head on my shoulder, and slept there for just a few minutes. I wasn't reacting on that, but inside my coconut head, I was thinking that he's just, well, I don't really understand, I was confused that time... I don't want to think that he wants me back, or even think that he ever have plans on courting me again. I was quiet and still continued to browse. What's worse is that we're at the part of the PC shop that's on the far and near the corner and the shop was kind of dark. And then, when we're already finished, we went out of the mall, and while walking, we're talking about things, but I can't remember what they are. Then when we're outside the mall, he returned to his classes, and I went home. The same night, we talked over the phone, because I still have to give him 100 pesos, and we set the day on September 24, 2004 which is Friday. I talked to him on a three-way phone, and it was me, Victor and Kapatid (who is the owner of the phone who has that three-way function whose on the phone.
Kapatid was listening to our conversation, and was laughing because of the things that Victor is saying. Victor was saying things that was kinda like "signs" of whatever I think it was. Like, mentioning if I already heard a kiss on the phone, which he does before, etc. Duh... I really don't know what to say that time but I rode on with his talk. And then, when that September 24, 2001 came, we met again. Then, that time, he accompanied me to the jeepney stop there, which is kind of weird because the first time we met that time (Sept. 21) he directly came back to his class. And while we're on our way, he offered me a candy. But I refused. Then, after that day, I tried calling him again, but I can't talk to him because his mother always blocks in. And one time, when I had the chance to talk to him again, I accidentally mentioned about my birthday, and I said that I was kind of sad because I can't invite my friends here because I don't have a celebration. (I mean no party) Then, he said that he'll treat me on my birthday. I laughed and told him "Are you serious?" he replied "Would I tell you that if I wasn't serious?" Well, I was kind of blocked there, and just replied ok. But then, my mom did a small party here, which I didn't expected. And before my birthday, I asked him if he can come, and he said that, IT'S OK BECAUSE IT'S WEDNESDAY, RAGNAROK IS IN SERVER MAINTENANCE SO HE CAN COME. When he said that, I was really hurt. But I just think about his presence there, so I neverminded it. Then, my birthday came. I called him at noontime, and he replied that he can't come for some reason that I doubt that is not true. I was very disappointed, VERY DISAPPOINTED... And the hours passed by, yeah I had fun with my classmates, but, there's something missing. I was still sad. And when it was 10:13 PM, he texted me, and said: "Happy bday. Sori if i cudnt come. Anyway, best wishes. G'nyt" At that moment, I was sitting in front of my room's door. I almost cried at that very moment. Raijin-sama saw the expression on my face. But I forced myself not to cry there because my guests are happy there chatting and playing. I feel crushed inside that time... And I replied to him:

"Yeah tnx, I knew that you can't come. I just called you to hear from you that you can't come so I won't wait and get disappointed. By the way, I'm sorry for my calls since 2001. I won't call you anymore so I won't disturb you and for your mom not to hung up the phone. And thanks for the text, this is the first time that you used your celphone to text me. I'll keep this as a gift from you. Thanks for everything... Luv you so much"

I really feel crushed, and after the celebration, well, I just slept. After that, I really never called him anymore. Until now. What's bothering me now is that, I still have this feeling towards him, that even if I try to remove it, I really can't get over it. And I remembered what Raijin-sama said that, I should tell what I really feel to a person, so the person will at least know. And now, I am thinking about it, from yesterday until today, and until maybe, when I already made my decision. So I need your help. See, I promised not to call him anymore, so I plan going to his house, and call him out, give him a gift (to be more specific, a teddy bear) and directly tell him what I feel for him. I don't care if he already have a girlfriend now, all I want is to say how I feel. I would appreciate whatever his reply maybe, either negative or positive, I'll accept it. I just want to say it to him so I won't be bothered every night thinking of him and cry everytime I'm alone thinking about the times I was with him. Well, the stupid story ends here, sorry if it's very long but I wrote everything to make the situation clear to you. So, please comment on what you think I must do. I would really appreciate comments here. Thank you very much.





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