Saturday, January 28, 2006

i updated my journal yesterday, if anyone wants to go read that depressing post.
changed my site around. hate how photobucket shrinks things. that's what happened to me 'huyu no kaze' DNAngel bg.
i'm really afraid of losing Bryan now. apparently, he's figured out he's bi. god, everyone's changing sexual preferences on me. Lj's turned bi, Joe turned gay, now Bryan's bi...Tom was all talking about how if he ever saw Bryan holding hands with a guy or something, he'd maim him, to put it shortly. and now i'm really afraid. i've already lost Bryan, and my heart breaks a little more each day because of it, but now i have to worry about the fact that i might lose him to a guy!? i love gay people and all, but that would be the ultimate insult! and losing him was an insult to begin with! god. the one guy i like in 7 years who likes me back, and i can't even have him. nearly everyone around me...doesn't like Bryan and wonder why i like him. i honestly don't know. maybe it's that special something that only i can see. but when i complain to people about not having him, they say "there's plenty of fish in the sea. just because this one didn't work out, doesn't mean there won't be others." dammit, what if i don't want others? Bryan has everything i've wanted in a guy. i want THIS relationship to work out, dammit. Chris, if you read this, tell him whatever you want from this post. i'm never good at telling my thoughts and i don't want to write him more notes. please, Chris? i want him back...so very much
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Friday, January 27, 2006

i let my hopes get up. now my heart is breaking all over again.
yesterday, Tom and Bryan and i stayed after school until after 4 just talking. and Bryan hugged me. that was the first time this year, besides on the second, that he touched me. and i thought he was finally warming up again and that he would truly be mine again. no. and now my heart is hurting all over again.
today, the girls got their band dresses. i have so been looking forward to those. they're so long. i can never find a long dress. aw, fuck, who am i kidding? i can't post right now. i'll just wallow in my depression.

Heartbreak Lullaby
Heartbreak lullaby...
In the still of the night,
I can almost feel you lying next to me,
Like it used to be,
And it's hard to let go,
When there's always something there reminding me,
How things could be,
I've tried to get you off my mind,
I've tried to play my part,
But everytime I close my eyes,
You're still inside my heart,
Why can't I laugh?
Why must I cry?
Everytime we say good-bye,
Why does it rain,
Here in my heart,
Everyday that we're apart,
Why can't it be,
Just you and me,
What will it take to make you see,
These are the words,
To my Heartbreak Lullaby,
Like the stars in the sky,
You still keep on shining down you're light on me,
But out of reach,
And I know that in time,
You will come back to your senses,
See the signs,
And change your mind,
I try to look the other way,
And keep my heart on hold,
But everytime I'm close to you,
I lose my self-control,
Why can't I laugh?
Why must I cry?
Everytime we say good-bye,
Why does it rain,
Here in my heart,
Everyday that we're apart,
Why can't it be,
Just you and me,
What will it take to make you see,
These are the words,
To my Heartbreak Lullaby,
Why can't I laugh?
Why must I cry?
Give me just one good reason why..
Why does it rain
Here in my heart,
Everyday that we're apart,
Why can't it be,
Just you and me,
What will it take to make you see,
These are the words,
To my Heartbreak Lullaby

Hear Me
Hear me
Hear me

You gotta be out there
You gotta be somewhere
Wherever you are
I'm waiting
'Cause there are these nights when
I sing myself to sleep
And I'm hopin' my dreams
Bring you close to me
Are you listening?

Hear me
I'm cryin' out
I'm ready now
Turn my world upside down
Find me
I'm lost inside the crowd
It's getting loud
I need you to see
I'm screaming for you to please
Hear me
Hear me

Hear me
Can you hear me?
Hear me

I used to be scared of
Letting someone in
But it gets so lonely
Being on my own
No one to talk to
And no one to hold me
I'm not always strong
Oh, I need you here
Are you listening?

Hear me
I'm cryin' out
I'm ready now
Turn my world upside down
Find me
I'm lost inside the crowd
It's getting loud
I need you to see
I'm screaming for you to please
Hear me

I'm restless and wild
I fall, but I try
I need someone to understand
Can you hear me?
I'm lost in my thoughts
And baby I've fought
For all that I've got
Can you hear me?

Hear me
I'm cryin' out
I'm ready now
Turn my world upside down
Find me
I'm lost inside the crowd
It's getting loud
I need you to see
I'm screaming for you to please
Hear me
Hear me
Hear me
Hear me
Can you hear me?
Hear me
Hear me
Hear me
Can you hear me?
Oh, oh, oh, oh...
Hear me
Hear me
Hear me
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Sunday, January 22, 2006

what would Bryan do, if he knew how suicidal i was? how deep my secrets went? what would any of you do?
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Saturday, January 21, 2006

the answer to my previous question is: yes, i WILL have to go through depression every week. god fuck.
well, finals are over. i only had Bio left yesterday, since band didn't have a final. however, i didn't bring my oboe, because i thought that we WOULD have a final and WOULDN'T play. it was opposite. and dad had told me that if i had to call him to bring in my instrument, he would be mad at me. he wasn't really. and Bryan also didn't bring his bass trombone, but he was able to borrow someone else's old one, so we made it! and the flute next to me forgot her flute, too, so she had someone bring it in. and then, after school, i had plans to go out with savani and faye with Bryan to the costume shop, since he suddenly decided he wanted to be Dark. we didn't really find anything. i found a wig, but it's $28 X.x i bought some fake cigarette's for Bryan, since Hatori smokes. i now -$1 in my AO savings. but the wig will really kill it TT.TT
in other news, i submitted 3 fanarts and they all went through. go me. so go check those out and give me some tips, you great artists. my personal favorite is the Daisuke. it turned out really well on paper. i'm tempted to sell a copy at AO and see what i get.
and last night was our last normal pep band game. we lost 46-48. it had been so close! in the first period, though, Capitol fouled one of us, and our guy just kinda lay there. it looked like he was crying. then, quite suddenly, he stood up and everyone cheered. then the blood started gushing. and my inner-sadist was laughing at him. i had brought my sketchbook to work on another piece i'm working on, and i when i saw the guy having to lay back on the ground and knowing they'd have to clean up his blood, i went to put my book away and a little after i left, i heard cheering so he had to have gotten up. but when i came back he was being lead out by two guys with a cloth over his nose or his eye, i don't know which, with his bloody hand.
but we still lost. that is the first losing basketball game i've played at. don't get me started with football, we NEVER played at the winning games (they were both away...yeah, only 2, remember?) so i was mad at the boys. how dare they lose on me now? and Bryan and Chris never came down and talked to me V.V unloved...stuck trying to listen to music over the audience screaming their lungs out. but it was funny, cause the week before the game, there were posters all around the school that said, "pack the gym Friday at 7:30! Borah vs. Capitol!" and oen of the signs was kinda funny. it said, "aren't eagles endangered? watch your lions make them extinct!"
and yesterday i became eligible to get my driver's license. shame i won't be able to get it until summer or something. apparently, i'll be busy all spring break.
and, i've also seen a poster for the Valentine's dance February 11th. so we have to find out who's sponsoring that, so we can plan our DDR Event. so, check out my artwork, all

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Saturday, January 14, 2006

god, am i going to have to go through this every weekend? why? i mean, i was starting to feel better! well, as better as one can feel with a breaking heart. but then, no. depression must come back. but i was really happy again for a while. last pep band game, Bryan and Chris didn't come down and talk to me, but on Thursday they did...along with like two other trombones ^^; so apparently i became friends with nearly the whole trombone section. except, i really don't like Cary. He's dropping out of band at semester and he can't keep a camera still! he did this five part video on the damages of Hurricane Katrina in the South (he went down there for his Christmas break...who would want to?) and he kept acting like he was holding the camera while bungee jumping while also zooming in really fast. and it didn't help that the day it was really bad, i was really dizzy that morning for no reason. anyhoo, so yeah. but then i became sad again, because they didn't come down. until i looked at the clock and saw that it was already in the 4th period with 50 seconds on the clock! i was like: O.o wtf?! the last time i looked at the clock, it was going into the 2nd period, but it was the half time show with the dance team, minus the dance, since they CAN'T! all it was was 15 different forms of the Can-Can. losers. my hip hop class teaches more moves in one session then they could ever dance in their lives.
but i probably wouldn't be so depressed if i had been able to see Bryan after school yesterday. and i was right out, almost. i always catch Bryan waiting at Tom's car, even with having to fight hall traffic, get everything i need out of my locker, then fight traffic again to get out. but Tom's car, no doubt with Tom and Bryan, was already gone. While i am mad they didn't wait, it also worries me. i know Bryan's dog was having problems and he's apparently having problems, so i hope everything is okay and he didn't have to leave for an emergency. i didn't see Tom's car at DQ yesterday, but i didn't know if Bryan worked, since he didn't work Thursday night for pep band.
okay, i'll stop rambling off about my ex-future-boyfriend problems. we had an EOC essay in Bio yesterday. and it was one of the ones i didn't really study! i always make up my own essays to the sample questions they give us and i just memorize those. the only one i really memorized was about meiosis. and we got the one about DNA and RNA! i don't even know how to make RNA from DNA! so i had to BS my way through that one.
and now i know why school has to get out 3 minutes later normally, 6 minutes later on early release, and start 10 minutes early on our tests! the stupid seniors need all that extra time to be able to graduate 2 weeks early! so i complained about that to Tom and Bryan and Tom was like, "well, at least we'll be out of your hair sooner." but i was thinking, why do i want you guys gone sooner? you're entertaining and Byran's mine but the next day i went up to them and i was like, "please, by all means, go early. you'll cut the traffic down by 1/3."
not much else here, really. oh, and here's a link to a really funny music video i found. it's saved on the Stepmania computer in the Japanese room and i didn't know where it came from, but i found it on the Net! it's a World of Warcraft MV, but don't let that stop you. it's hilarious. it's called "For Porn." so if you have a PG-13 mind, don't watch: http://www.jucaushii.ro/download_413_World_of_Warcraft_For_porn_music_video.html enjoy!
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Thursday, January 12, 2006

Just quizzes...nothing important

You are War. The War Element was created when both
Light and Dark where battling eachother long
ago. War is a short tempered element,and enjoys
to see people in pain and suffering. War
doesn't open up to anybody,even to a lover or
friend. Maybe that is because War was created
through hatred. Or maybe because of all the
things War has seen. One will never know. Being
the War Element you are a...ermm....evil
person. With a HUGE ego. You think highly of
yourself and strong people,and shunt out the
weak. Your Element is Dark. Your creature is a
vampire! Congrads! You are a strong person at
heart!


What Different Element Are You? For Girls only! Lovely Anime Pictures!
brought to you by Quizilla


He would really like you, but as a friend. You're
the kinda girl who's company he'd enjoy because
you seem to be a lot like him. You like to be
laid back and to have a nice fight or two. He
needs a friend like you because, those idiots
he's with just don't seem to cut it. Yay for
you!


Would Hiei Like You? (Just for laughs!)
brought to you by Quizilla


You are Music. The Music Element was created to
give expression into the world. Belive it or
not,Music was created by the talented Dark.
Music is carefree and expressive in feelings
and words. She has a talented knack for any
insturments,and can sing very well. Being the
Music Element you are a carefree person,a good
listener and your music comforts people. Your
Element is Dark,and your creature is a harper.
Congrads! Without Music,there'd be no
expression in the world!


What Different Element Are You? For Girls only! Lovely Anime Pictures!
brought to you by Quizilla


You are War. The War Element was created when both
Light and Dark where battling eachother long
ago. War is a short tempered element,and enjoys
to see people in pain and suffering. War
doesn't open up to anybody,even to a lover or
friend. Maybe that is because War was created
through hatred. Or maybe because of all the
things War has seen. One will never know. Being
the War Element you are a...ermm....evil
person. With a HUGE ego. You think highly of
yourself and strong people,and shunt out the
weak. Your Element is Dark. Your creature is a
vampire! Congrads! You are a strong person at
heart!


What Different Element Are You? For Girls only! Lovely Anime Pictures!
brought to you by Quizilla


Your heart is screaming for love. You just want to
find that special someone to be with. You may
be a romantic at heart, always dreaming about
your prince charming. I'm sure you'll find him
at some point, if you haven't already.


What is Your Heart Screaming For?
brought to you by Quizilla


what is your anime hair color??? (girls only + pretty anime pics)
brought to you by Quizilla


what is your anime hair color??? (girls only + pretty anime pics)
brought to you by Quizilla


What are you feeling inside? ~With Anime Pics and 8 Results~ -*-For Girls Only-*-
brought to you by Quizilla

head ninja
the best of your clan. your an expert in the way of
the sword


what type of ninja are you
brought to you by Quizilla


Dark or light? ( amazing anime pics)
brought to you by Quizilla
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Sunday, January 8, 2006

Okay, I’m going to stop this half-truth from going around MyO before it gets out of control. No thanks to SOMEONE spreading it around in the first place (Ching).
FIRST of all, and I hate to make Bryan the bad guy here…HE BROKE UP WITH ME! After I told him that I was mad at him for hearing barely hide and hair from him during Christmas break and complaining to Tom and Josh and Chris and him finally knowing, he called me out after school (with those dreaded four words) and he said that he had a lot of crap going on in his life right now, so we should probably break up for a while, until he had more time. He said, AND I QUOTE, “I barely have enough time for me.” And after calling him and having him unable to go skiing with us because of his dog and learning that his dog was getting sicker and he was over his head in shit, it made me feel bad that I had been so selfish. Sure he was a bad president and sure he ignored me, but I’ve always been able to see the good in people. Take Lj’s mom for example. She seems nice, but when Lj tells you about her, she’s really much darker. Sorry if this puts you in the limelight, Lj.
SECOND, yeah, he flirts with Tina, but ya know what? I used to flirt with Chris. But after a while, I cooled off with him and with Bryan. Actually, after a while, Bryan just learned to ignore whatever I did to him, so that ruined all the fun.
THIRD, YES, I LOVE him! At first, I couldn’t really admit it, but I found I do. Not as much as The One maybe, but certainly more than just a friend.
FOURTH, I CAN’T go back to him because we both needed a break from each other and I told him I would wait for him until he was able to be with me. Besides, for once I have a guy to actually like me for ME again, not because of how hot or sexy I look, like what most guys care about now. Not like any guy would have wanted me anyway, besides Bryan. He actually seemed happy when I told him I would wait. Course, then he kissed me and that REALLY made him happy.
So if there’s anything else you people don’t understand, I suggest you either ask me or keep it to yourself. I don’t really care about your opinions at this point, but I DO care about the half-truths that will be flying around soon!
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Saturday, January 7, 2006

it's barely been a week, but it feels like it's been a year without Bryan. I can barely talk to him anymore, let alone look at him when i DO talk to him. there's too much shame in having lost him and i'm afraid it might be too tempting for me if i do look him in the eye. i mean, last night after the pep band game (40-something-ish-18) was the first time all week i had been able to fully look at him. but that was mostly because i had to glare at him because he's never read Furuba. Since he wasn't able to work on his Kouga costume for this AO (it would NEVER get done in time) i was thinking he might make a good Hatori, because he actually grows his hair longer over his right eye. when i realized that i was like: ....hey, there's an idea. and next year, i'm gonna beat him to get him working on his costume. gonna beat you, too, Chris. so here's a question: When you imagine Hatori Sohma, what outfit do you see him in?
so yeah, my breaking heart is slowly going numb to dull the pain. but i can barely last a week. how much longer will i be forced to wait?
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Tuesday, January 3, 2006

okay, people, i have good news and bad news. do you want the bad news first? too bad, no choice. Bryan and i broke up. Well, it's really more of a "break" than a "break up." he just isn't able to give me the attention he thinks i deserve right now, so we talked and thought it best that we just take a break from each other until he has at least more time for himself to make time for me. I think it's kind of a bad thing, though, because his dog has now gone from bad arthritis to cancer. And it just seems to me that he would need someone right now.
Now for the good news. So we "talked" outside near a lion that's a little to the side of the first building after school and we went around it to head to Tom's car and suddenly he was all, "i've always wanted to do this, and i better do it now while i have the courage." and i was just like, you can't be serious and he puts his binder down, lightly grabs me and kises me ^^ but man, it took me YEARS before I even had the courage to kiss my first boyfriend without him kissing me first. Bryan? 2 months.
but i hope you're happy Ching and Lj. Bryan has renounced his title as Club President AND broke up with me. I'm sad, though
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Friday, December 30, 2005

hello once again, MyO
riddle me this: what are vacations for? sleeping in and spending all hours in front of the computer, right? so why am i getting this intrusion at 7:45 AM! of my mom asking me if i want to go skiing?....wait, skiing? as in, at the place that had to close before Xmas because all the rain slushed up all the snow? YES! so i get up after she leaves and dad's like, "wanna go skiing?" and i'm like, "yeah, but Bryan wanted to go with us and he has no goggles or ski socks." so dad says we'll take him to the store very quick before we leave and i called him. and his dad answered. i'm like, "hi, this is [insert name here]. is Bryan up yet." he's like no. so i say i was wondering if Byran'd like to go skiing today. so his dad goes to get him. and i think i sat there for 3 minutes. now, while you're waiting for someone to come listening to nothing by silence, 3 minutes can seem rather long. finally, this sleep logged voice is like, "hullo?" and i had to resist to say all sunshiny, "hey, sleepyhead!" so i was just like, "hey, you have work? wanna go skiing?" and he was like: *long pause* this is kinda unexpected.
me: i know. it was for me, too (*dad chuckles next to me knowingly)
him: any other day i would, you know i would go in a heartbeat, but our dog has really bad arthritus in his back, and i need to be here if he needs anything.
and, for those of you who know my dogs, you know i can understand a sick pet. Weston will vouch for me. poor puppy (well, he's not a puppy anymore. he's an old man) with his ear problems, his itching problems, his blind eye, his almost blinded OTHER eye. but ya know...i didn't know Bryan even HAD a dog. he never talked about a dog, nor did i ever see a dog the two times i went over. (psssst. hey, Chris, does Bryan have a dog? and while i'm whispering to you, did you get the DNA turkey assignment? cause i didn't get it. where does the U come in?.....wait...CHING! TT.TT help me...) so yeah. but i still thought it sweet that he told me he'd come in a hearbeat. cause i'm just forgiving like that. though i'm still gonna chew him out when i see him...if Lj doesn't get to him first (you promised!)
so while i'm rambling away on here, i'm gonna put up my idear: my school has to have a Valentine's Day dance, right? so i was thinking that the Japanese Club could have a DDR thing. and we could have a sign for couples that says, "find out which one of you can REALLY dance!" and have little tips like, "it's okay if you use BOTH feet!" and "DDR dislexia? don't worry. everyone gets it*" and we need to make some profit, so it would be $1 for versus dance for couples for 5 rounds and 50 cents for single dancers without dates for 5 rounds, or if they want to versus one of us, it would still be 50 cents. yes, i'm so evil

*DDR Dislexia (DDRD)-name that Lj, Ching, and i came up with. when you're dancing and you push the opposite arrow that was on the screen. like regular dislexia, but in DDR...kinda
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