Monday, April 12, 2004

   Happy Easter!
my family used to celebrate Easter in a big way: family dinners, Easter baskets, going to church together... that all changed when we became... how shall i say... 'poor'. as in dirt poor.

so this easter my mom put together small easter baskets for me, my brothers, and bought some treats for my older brother's dog. we had a nice, relaxed day, then we went to this pizza place down the street for dinner ($5 for all you can eat plus a drink, pretty schwa)

i feel really good today, and it's nice to relax and just listen to music on my comp while i write.

hope you all had a really nice Easter, and take care of yourselves!

your faithful, furry

Balinese =^_^=
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Sunday, April 11, 2004

   Did some thinking last night
i guess getting the dual enrollment isn't really what i wanted, but it's a step in the right direction, isn't it? it's the moon instead of the stars.

i spent the afternoon watching Trigun again... the way i react to episode 23's end always amazes me, because i don't cry often. but wolfwood's final words always hit me in a soft spot, because i don't want to die before accomplishing what i wanted to do: become a teacher of the world's children.

i used to want to die. i tried to commit suicide three times, and nearly succeeded once. but i learned, after Sheldon committed suicide, that if you kill yourself it's a coward's act and you'll leave behind people who will cry for you.

no more suicide. no more suicidal thoughts. never again.

i made three really cute greeting cards tonight... check 'em out when they pop up. i think i'm getting better at this.

*YAWN* yeesh, i am one exhausted kittyn. i'm heading to bed in a few minutes... just had to jot down these thoughts while i'm coherent.

*turns on Tiny Little Song by Koyasu-sempai and drifts off into happy neko-dreams* =^_^=

Balinese
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Thursday, April 8, 2004

this sucks.
i really wanted to get into UNC as a student, and i was hoping and waiting for nearly two months.

finally i called the admissions office today and asked them point-blank about my application... after about fifteen minutes of shuffling papers, they gave me the news... i've been offered dual enrollment in a community college and UNC.

i am so ashamed of myself. couldn't even get into college full time... what am i? worthless, that's what.
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Tuesday, April 6, 2004

who am i?
what defines who a person is?

is my schoolwork what defines me? then i'm a perfect child, disciplined and obedient, getting things done.

is my home life what defines me? then i am a messed-up, scared kid, needing help more often than not, locking myself away.

are my relationships with people what define me? then i am solitary and hidden, secretive and reluctant.

is my anime obsession what defines me? then i am angsty and dark, believing that the past holds the answer.

is my writing what defines me? then i am fun-loving and giggly, telling stories that make people smile.

is my taste in music what defines me? then i am quirky, eclectic, and open-minded.

is my taste in video games what defines me? then i love a challenge, and love to see the world through other people's eyes.

is the way i dress what defines me? then i don't care, i do what i like.

is it all this? or is it something more?

nothing's like before...
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been thinking...
Mamma, Sakura-san, you're right. i should drop Palmer...

i guess what i feel for Palmer isn't so much love as it is the feeling of a young girl for the 'knight in shining armor' who appears to pull her out of a bad situation. he was the one who got me to realize that James was screwing me over, and he helped me get out of it... and i guess i thought it was love. still kind of do. and he sure as hell does...

*half-smiles, and sings*

When i think about the first time
Thought i'd found someone who cared for me
But things were not as they appeared to be

Rainy day man,
On your shoulder i cried
When my first brush with love
Left me shaking inside
Rainy day man...

Palmer has been my rainy day man... maybe that was a mistake.

but still... it felt so right at first...
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Monday, April 5, 2004

   urg...
i thought i was in love with someone... he broke my heart.

i thought i was in love with another... we had to break up because we're so far apart.

now, i really believe i'm in love with Palmer... but...

at heart, i am a monogamous submissive. in shorthand, i am sexually loyal to one person and prefer to be taken control of.

Palmer is a polygamous person, and that's hard for me to reconcile in my mind. i believe that while you can love more than one person at a time, you should be loyal to one sexual partner. Palmer is currently having sex with at least two other girls that i know of, and when we first got together, he was living with a woman and sleeping with her. his friends are poly, and i understand the theory behind that, but...

well, i don't really feel comfortable with that.

i was dating a guy (let's call him James, just for his privacy) who, unbeknownst to me, was sleeping with two men behind my back. Now, being bi myself, i understand that, but if i date someone, i want to be their one and only, as they are mine. woman or man, makes no difference.

some stuff i understand, and maybe even.. would like to try. but going behind my back hurts. James and i split up because of that.

the same thing happened with the guy i was with before i was really with Palmer... he was with other women (since he couldn't find a boyfriend) while we were together. i understood, but i didn't like it. i guess it's a curse of mine that i fall for these guys who believe in polygamy. (i haven't found a girl that sparks me like that yet.)

i'm glad that he doesn't know about this thing... otherwise i'd have to discuss it with him... and i can't do it. i never could. i can't talk about this kind of thing with people... it scares me badly. and as a submissive personality, i feel that i must accept everything that happens from the person i'm with, no matter what it is. his/her behaviors, even though they may make me uncomfortable, must be accepted. i must not say anything, or i am a bad person.

i don't like that he's a poly, but i accept it... i just wish i was his one and only. after all, he is mine.
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Saturday, April 3, 2004

A rant about emotions
i've been doing a lot of thinking over the past few days, and i came up with one thing about myself that i'd never known before: there has been only one true and pure emotion i've ever felt in my life: fear.

as long as i can remember clearly, i've been afraid of my younger brother. he's... well, i can't really say he's evil, but he delights in causing me pain, and laughs when i duck away from him because he knows i'm scared of him.

every other emotion in my life has been a mix of others: sadness and anger; love and (sometimes) pity; things like that. but my fear has always been the one driving force behind itself.

last night he went on one of his rampages... old news. he does things like kick walls hard enough to punch holes in them, make threats to my mom, make threatening gestures in my direction... but last night he said he was sorry for what he had done in the past, and would never hit me again.

then the fear was mixed... fear and guilt. he always manages to make me feel like he hit me and it was my fault.

Palmer always tells me that it isn't my fault, and never to trust him, because he always hurts me again after he promises not to. i can remember the feeling of his hands closing around my throat because of stupid stuff... i remember the punches, the kicks, anything he could do to hurt me, he did.

so i wonder... will he keep his promise? is this the end of the pain? will he stop hitting me just to see me wince and hear me say "ow"? will it be the end of the pain that is most of my memories?

*sings softly*

Happiness is just a word to me
And it might have meant a thing or two
If I'd had known the difference


Emptiness, a lonely parody
And my life, another smokin' gun
A sign of my indifference


Always keepin' safe inside
Where no one ever had a chance
To penetrate or break in


Let me tell you some have tried
But I would slam the door so tight
That they could never get in

Kept my cool under a lock and key
And I never shed a tear
Another sign of my condition

Fear of love or bitter vanity
That kept me on the run
The main events of my confession

I kept a chain upon my door
That would shake the shame of Cain
Into a blind submission

The burning ghost without a name
Was still calling all the same
But I just wouldn't listen

The longer I'd stall
The further I'd crawl
The further I'd crawl
The harder I'd fall
I was crawlin' into the fire

The more that I saw
The further I'd fall
The further I'd fall
The lower I'd crawl
I kept fallin' into the fire
Into the fire
Into the fire

Suddenly it occurred to me
The reason for the run and hide
Had totaled my existence

Everything on the other side
Could never be much worse than this
But could I go the distance

I face the door and all my shame
Tearin' off each piece of chain
Until they all were broken

But no matter how I tried
The other side was locked up so tight
The door it wouldn't open

Gave it all that I got
And started to knock
And shouted for someone
To open the lock
I just gotta get through the door

And the more that I knocked
The hotter I got
The hotter I got
the harder I'd knock
I just gotta break through the door

Gotta knock a little harder
Gotta knock a little harder
Gotta knock a little harder
Break down the door...

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Wednesday, March 31, 2004

*rubs space between eyes*
i have a headache like you would not believe...

i really hate therapy. i mean, i HATE it. all we ever end up talking about is my stupid father and how he's done things to cause me to be paranoid, have PTSD from abuse, etc.

i don't want to THINK about my father. i want to think about college, i want to think about moving out of my house, i want to think about my high-school graduation! i don't want to think about my past or the lies or the foster care (read: 2 years of supervised neglect).

i don't need my family right now... they're just dragging me down into a mess i can't deal with, and i don't need it.

i know that Provost (a good friend) got accepted to UNC, so i'm hoping that i'll find out within the next week or so... i really need to be accepted...

i wish that for even a moment, i could know enough peace to daydream about anime or about what my life will be like when i grow up instead of worrying about my family (read: what my brother is going to do to me when i sleep if he finds out that i've told my mom about his afterschool activities).

*sighs and stretches, getting off the comp so she can find out if her mom has called from the hospital*

Sin... when you gonna learn?


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Sunday, March 28, 2004

*BIG sweatdrop*
you know what i did last night? i called this guy i know (for anonymity's sake, we'll call him Palmer) at 11 PM, and talked to him until 1 AM.

it's funny... until i met Palmer, i never called anyone, and the longest phone convo i had lasted about fifteen minutes. people don't believe it sometimes, but i'm kind of shy.

i've known Palmer (a.k.a P-kun or the big baka for a year and a week now, and i learn new things about him all the time. he's taught me a lot about life, and introduced me to a lot of fun stuff like the Queen of Wands webcomic. and i have to admit, i kindasortamaybe... love him.

that sounds so stupid, but if you don't know the story... *fades into a flashback*

i met Palmer through a forum where he's an admin, and we became fast friends, since we're both bibliophiles. we talked and talked... i spent last year's spring break talking to him from about 9 pm to 5 am each day.

as we got closer, i guess... well, i kinda fell for him and he for me. it's dumb, cause we live so far apart (he's in Coquitlam, BC, Canada, and i'm in Aurora, Colorado), but we're like a perfect match. we've only had one fight in all the time we've known each other, and that was because i was stupid and decided that since he was living with someone, i wasn't important to him and hooked up with someone else. Balinese no baka.

so... he means a lot to me, and it's weird because he is one of the best people in the world and i love him and... ah, *sweatdrop* i wish he lived here or i lived there.

Balinese
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Friday, March 26, 2004

   mmmmm....
i just finished watching Pokemon: The First Movie... and like always, it made me think.

Why do we fight? Why do people look only at the differences and not at the similarities? Why do people kill and hate and murder?

why can't we be like Pikachu and Meowth and SEE THAT WE ARE ALL THE SAME? Under the skin, we're all made of the same stuff. We all live on the same Earth and share the same air and water.

i am a conscientious objector to war. i will be peaceable in any situation. i will solve things without fighting.
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