Saturday, April 3, 2004

A rant about emotions
i've been doing a lot of thinking over the past few days, and i came up with one thing about myself that i'd never known before: there has been only one true and pure emotion i've ever felt in my life: fear.

as long as i can remember clearly, i've been afraid of my younger brother. he's... well, i can't really say he's evil, but he delights in causing me pain, and laughs when i duck away from him because he knows i'm scared of him.

every other emotion in my life has been a mix of others: sadness and anger; love and (sometimes) pity; things like that. but my fear has always been the one driving force behind itself.

last night he went on one of his rampages... old news. he does things like kick walls hard enough to punch holes in them, make threats to my mom, make threatening gestures in my direction... but last night he said he was sorry for what he had done in the past, and would never hit me again.

then the fear was mixed... fear and guilt. he always manages to make me feel like he hit me and it was my fault.

Palmer always tells me that it isn't my fault, and never to trust him, because he always hurts me again after he promises not to. i can remember the feeling of his hands closing around my throat because of stupid stuff... i remember the punches, the kicks, anything he could do to hurt me, he did.

so i wonder... will he keep his promise? is this the end of the pain? will he stop hitting me just to see me wince and hear me say "ow"? will it be the end of the pain that is most of my memories?

*sings softly*

Happiness is just a word to me
And it might have meant a thing or two
If I'd had known the difference


Emptiness, a lonely parody
And my life, another smokin' gun
A sign of my indifference


Always keepin' safe inside
Where no one ever had a chance
To penetrate or break in


Let me tell you some have tried
But I would slam the door so tight
That they could never get in

Kept my cool under a lock and key
And I never shed a tear
Another sign of my condition

Fear of love or bitter vanity
That kept me on the run
The main events of my confession

I kept a chain upon my door
That would shake the shame of Cain
Into a blind submission

The burning ghost without a name
Was still calling all the same
But I just wouldn't listen

The longer I'd stall
The further I'd crawl
The further I'd crawl
The harder I'd fall
I was crawlin' into the fire

The more that I saw
The further I'd fall
The further I'd fall
The lower I'd crawl
I kept fallin' into the fire
Into the fire
Into the fire

Suddenly it occurred to me
The reason for the run and hide
Had totaled my existence

Everything on the other side
Could never be much worse than this
But could I go the distance

I face the door and all my shame
Tearin' off each piece of chain
Until they all were broken

But no matter how I tried
The other side was locked up so tight
The door it wouldn't open

Gave it all that I got
And started to knock
And shouted for someone
To open the lock
I just gotta get through the door

And the more that I knocked
The hotter I got
The hotter I got
the harder I'd knock
I just gotta break through the door

Gotta knock a little harder
Gotta knock a little harder
Gotta knock a little harder
Break down the door...

Comments (1)