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• emeraldeyedyohji
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• 1986-05-14
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Female
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• Aurora, Colorado, USA
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• 2004-03-04
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• mrr
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• Little Lirin!
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• i graduated high school.
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• age eleven, when i first saw sailor moon
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• Weiß Kreuz, Trigun, Cowboy Bebop, Gundam Wing, Fruits Basket
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• anime, furry fandom, my LiveJournal, learning more about the language of flowers and creating bouquets, aromatherapy
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• Singing, writing, and i do a mean Majin Buu (Fat Buu) impression when i feel like it
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Monday, April 5, 2004
urg...
i thought i was in love with someone... he broke my heart.
i thought i was in love with another... we had to break up because we're so far apart.
now, i really believe i'm in love with Palmer... but...
at heart, i am a monogamous submissive. in shorthand, i am sexually loyal to one person and prefer to be taken control of.
Palmer is a polygamous person, and that's hard for me to reconcile in my mind. i believe that while you can love more than one person at a time, you should be loyal to one sexual partner. Palmer is currently having sex with at least two other girls that i know of, and when we first got together, he was living with a woman and sleeping with her. his friends are poly, and i understand the theory behind that, but...
well, i don't really feel comfortable with that.
i was dating a guy (let's call him James, just for his privacy) who, unbeknownst to me, was sleeping with two men behind my back. Now, being bi myself, i understand that, but if i date someone, i want to be their one and only, as they are mine. woman or man, makes no difference.
some stuff i understand, and maybe even.. would like to try. but going behind my back hurts. James and i split up because of that.
the same thing happened with the guy i was with before i was really with Palmer... he was with other women (since he couldn't find a boyfriend) while we were together. i understood, but i didn't like it. i guess it's a curse of mine that i fall for these guys who believe in polygamy. (i haven't found a girl that sparks me like that yet.)
i'm glad that he doesn't know about this thing... otherwise i'd have to discuss it with him... and i can't do it. i never could. i can't talk about this kind of thing with people... it scares me badly. and as a submissive personality, i feel that i must accept everything that happens from the person i'm with, no matter what it is. his/her behaviors, even though they may make me uncomfortable, must be accepted. i must not say anything, or i am a bad person.
i don't like that he's a poly, but i accept it... i just wish i was his one and only. after all, he is mine.
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