Monday, April 19, 2004

i don't usually pray...
but right now i'm praying my heart out.

for a long time, i've been really attached to this guy named Stash. i may have mentioned him before (can't go to check the thing right now) but he's the sweetest, kindest, most caring and warm-hearted guy i know. he's affected with bipolar disorder, but he refuses to take his meds, so he does a lot of mood-swinging. but i love him. i used to believe i wanted to be his girlfriend, but i know that wouldn't work now, and i know that he's one of the best friends i've ever had.

so tonight i thought everything was cool... i mean, i saw him at school today, and things seemed fine... until...

Stash: *twitch twitch twitch*
NekoBalinese: *poke* nan da?
Stash: english plese
NekoBalinese: what's up?
Stash: fucking susy
Stash: that bitch just hung up on me
Stash: fuck it im sick of all this shit
Stash: im sick of all my close friend backstabbing me
Stash: im sick of my apt.
Stash: GAHHHHH

so he has me worried, right? then:

NekoBalinese: what happened?
Stash: she and i are through, its too complicated for me right now
NekoBalinese: you know if you need to talk, i'm here fer ya. *hugs* you poor guy
Stash: im seriously about to walk out of my hose and just start walking somewhere
NekoBalinese: just 'somewhere'?
Stash: yea i dont care where
NekoBalinese: will you call me when you get there? i worry about you. want you to be okay.
Stash: no phone calls sorry
Stash: no money
NekoBalinese: aw well. you be at school tomorrow?
Stash: i dont know, problly

here's what freaked me out and started the prayers:

NekoBalinese: you going to do anything stupid?
Stash: hope so
NekoBalinese: .....hope so?
Stash: yea i hope so
Stash: im sorry if i scare you (Yohji) but im just sick of all of this
NekoBalinese: i know, (Stash), but i worry about you and i don't want you to do anything that would potentially be bad for you.
NekoBalinese: think of Carissa and Walker and Provost and Brewer...
Stash: everything i do is bad, havent you realized it
Stash: the only person in that group that hasnt backstabbed me at one point or another is pat
NekoBalinese: think of how he'd feel if you killed yourself, (Stash)... and think fo how i'd feel. and Dan and all the teachers...
Stash: i know but right now, i feel broken, i just dont care
NekoBalinese: i know the feeling, (Stash)... i'd do anything to help you. name it.
Stash: dunno
NekoBalinese: you know you can call on me for anything.
Stash: i know but right now i dont think you can help in what i need
NekoBalinese: *hugs you* you know i'll still try
Stash: i just need a vacation right now even if its just for a night, i just need to forget all of my problems

i have to get offline, but pray. pray for him... that he makes the right choice. i lost two friends to death... i don't want to lose another.

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