Tuesday, May 11, 2004

i. am. sick. of. tis.
i'm totally sick of my family. my mom, Orhan, and Beej.
it's as though i'm worth nothing, i am nothing, i can never be anything worthy. i'm naught but a pack animal or an errand girl.
i used to love my mom totally. key words: used to. as recently as two weeks ago, i would have given up my life to save her, if need be. Now, i really don't give a damn if she lives or dies.
why?
she has turned from a basically all right, semi-fucked-up woman to a "do this for me because my knees are so bad, why don't you do that; you know, thus-and-such happened to me and blahblahblah..." She NEVER SHUTS UP. and if she wants me to do something for her, i do it because not doing it lands me in serious shit.
her knees are arthritic and have Baker's cysts in them, i understand that they're painful and stiff. but really, is it so hard to come into the house to refill your own ice water or do any of a number of things that require you to come inside and walk seven steps to the freezer? i understand that she can't walk up and downstairs like she used to, but she's not totally disabled.
and Orhan. god... he's an idiot. he can barely speak English, yells all the time, and freaks out about money if it doesn't go towards something he likes. he gets pissy if i have to go to the doctor...
i know he was in an accident years ago. i know he rolled twelve times and now he has brain damage. i know he used to judge hairstyling competitions.
but do i care? no. my life is ruled by his worries about money and my stomach is ruled by his predilection for spaghetti, which i CANNOT EAT. and even after two years of me living at home and refusing to eat if he makes spaghetti, he still asks mom why i don't eat it, as if there's something wrong with anyone who hates spaghetti. yeah, well, my stomach does flips at the scent of tomato sauce, so no thanks, Orhan, i'm not hungry.
and Beej... he's a little shit. plain and simple. he acts superior to me at all times, and threatens to beat the shit out of me. he calls me a fucking bitch whenever he feels like i've done something that he, mom, Orhan or Jonas don't like. and last night, he talked to P-kun for three minutes and got royally pissed off before hanging up on him and threatening to beat the shit out of me, telling me to tell Palmer that 'he's not my dad, and if he acts like it again i'll beat the shit out of him'. (There, i passed the message on.)
there have been nights that i've wanted to kill them all, and nights that i've seriously contemplated running away, never returning, not even for college. no more mom, no more Beej, no more Orhan. and since they won't know where the hell i've gone, no more Dad.
i'll give you an example of why i'm feeling so angry right now. my brother decided that he wanted to play Kingdom Hearts, and wanted the manual. since i was the last one to use the manual, he decided to tell me that i HAD to find the manual or else. so i told him, in my new angry style, to fuck off. he told mom that i had been the last one to use the manual, so i had to find it. yeah, i used the manual two weeks ago and haven't seen it since, having left it in the living room upstairs. i don't know where it is, i don't care where it is, why the hell doesn't he look for it his damn self? mom told me that if i didn't find it, i would be forced to sign off AOL and go to bed. i said no, i won't, because it's not my problem. mom replied "fine, do what you want, there will be consequences tomorrow." Fuck. i thought. so i 'made an effort' to find the piece of shit, couldn't find it, didn't care, went back to AOL. Beej continued to be pissy about it, mom was pissy, and i'm sick of being their bitch.
i have 4 days until i turn eighteen... and another 3 months or so til UNC starts. i am so tired of the way my life is, and i really can't wait until something happens.
(and if you say, "get a job, move out and live on your own", i'll tell you to go fuck yourself. i've heard that rhetoric over and over, and believe me, if i could have found a job and left, i would have long ago. i can't find a job to save my life. fuck it all...)
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