Thursday, July 8, 2004

  I'm typing this in response to my buddy Deathbug's recent update concerning fate. He's curious as to why life as been so good to him, but so cruel to others. That, I cannot answer. Nor can I tell him, or anyone, why people want to commit suicide.

But I can tell you that I, at several points in my life, have considered suicide as an option. And, until now, I have only told one person, and, no Grant, it wasn't you. I was joking those times. But last year, right after my mom got sick, and a bit before when she and Adam fought all the time, I had very suicidal tendencies. And I told (over Yahoo IM) one of my friends, a guy I fought with all the time, that I had suicidal thoughts. I trusted him with information I couldn't even share with my best friend, and he didn't tell anyone. But he was concerned, in fact, when I told him I had a headache, he reminded me to only take two tylenol, which was kind off funny, but then again, it wasn't.

Anyways, I tended to have these thoughts every time Adam and momma would fight, and they became more frequent and more intense after momma got so sick. And I'll even have them occasionally now a days, but I never have tried to go through with it. But if I ever wanted, it would be too easy. I could just slit my wrists since I have easy acess to knives, and even own one. And I could also overdose on highly dangerous drugs (medicine, not drug drugs) since my mom takes so many. And the reason I wanted to kill myself was because momma got so sick and I knew life would just get so much harder. Plus she became paranoid, easily angry, forgetful, and she constantly had fight with Adam. Then add in the fact I was/am in my "angsty" teenage years, and had/have a period to look forward to every month thanks to my womanhood, it only made it worse.

But, it was the thing that made me consider suicide in the first place that makes me strive to go on in this life. No, not my period, but my mother. On several occasions, momma has told me that if something ever happened to me, then she would just give up, that I was the only reason she kept going. So I cast out the thoughts of ending my life by thinking of how it would effect my mom, and everyone else around me, if I were to go through with it. It gets rid of the thoughts, but I'm still left with the depression that comes with them. But I've learned to live with it for the most part.

And to anyone who ever has thoughts of commiting suicide and/or cut themselves, here are some tips I can think of:
1) Think of the person you love the most. Now think of how they would feel if you were dead. Think of how they would feel if you ended your life and they never knew so they couldn't do anything about it.
2) Instead of cutting yourself, put a rubber band on your wrist. Everytime you think of suicide or cutting yourself, flick yourself with the rubberband until the thought goes away. Unless you are completely off the deep end, this method DOES work.
3) Write something. It can be a story, poem, or even a song. Just let all of your feelings out. Or, if you can't write, try drawing. And if you can't do that, then find a hobby or sport you like. Anything you can do to just vent your emotions.
4) Get a stress ball. They are VERY convieneint. And whenever life gets to hard, just squeeze it until you feel better. And if it tears, just get a new one.
5) Get a pet. No, not to kick around, but to talk to (yes, I'm telling you to talk to an animal) that you can share your problems with and not have to worry about them telling anyone and everyone. Cats are the best because you can just pet them and they are happy to listen to your "human speak", but they tend to run off. Dogs are somewhat good, but they love to play to much.
6) Don't be afraid to tell someone. They might can help.
7) Finally, if it starts to become too much, seek counseling, wether it be from your parents or school or professionals. Just seek help if you can not seem to help yourself.

Okay, now that that's out of my system, I shall share two poems with you I wrote not to long ago.

Promises
You said you'd be here,
But you never showed.
And I feel betrayed,
Cause I let my hopes get too high.
And no one one was there for me,
When you caused me to fall.
And I cried.
Cause you laughed.
When my body broke on the rocks below.

Cry
I can't hold it in much longer.
Such loneliness aches in my soul.
I try to mask it,
But I tend to fail.
Cause I never can seem to fool myself.
And when I'm alone,
I cry.
Just because I can't cry.

The World Was Yours! What Happened??? by Demonac
Name
Abused your power by	Making everyone recycle
Until	Brittney Spears
...	Butchered all your guards with a katana. "But they had guns! How did they fail to shoot him?"
And adding insult to injury	Your Palace Self-Destruct system failed due to poor maintenance.
But now, after all that, you are	filing nuisance lawsuits against the new government.
(How did you conquer?)	Try "The World Is MINE!" MEME to find out!
Created with the ORIGINAL MemeGen!

Fact of the Day: Fish have eyelids.

""It's like a law or something." -Shobu, Duel Masters

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