Thursday, May 6, 2004

   On my mind...

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Time: 4:51PM, Thursday 6th May Well. I had this while big outpouring of my emotions and my feelings at the moment planned…but it is impossible. I am…in a very strange mood today, and would love to just get it all out. But…it is blocked, because of the keyboard and the necessity that that entails – typing it all out. If they had mind to computer transfer, I’d be set but it is a daunting task to write it up. So, you don’t get that. What you do get though is further apologies over my away-ness, and some excuses and things about that I have. Lately I have been very…distanced from OB. Books, homework online time and my general attitude have been keeping from it. Oh, sure I am around it. I visit it almost every day. I mostly make comments on myO’s, however lame they might be [the comments]. However, whilst I am on OB, I don’t believe that I have posted for a few days, especially in the OL. I mean, there are some really interesting topics there, but despite the fact that I want to post in there, I have a very… blasé attitude towards it. Like, who cares? Does anyone really care if I comment or not? I think that there are probably a very few people who would care and/or miss me if I upped and left…but honestly, I don’t think my OB presence is worth anything. I am barely there. I find myself wondering exactly why I am on the Boards still…what is keeping me visiting. A sense of duty? PM’s? Interest? I don’t know. I think that mO is a great and wonderful thing, however I feel it has definitely…detracted [for me] from OB, somewhat. I feel that I am drifting form OB, and just from…well, everything. I don’t feel any sort of purpose, be it online or IRL. I don’t know where I am headed. Drifting, indefinite. Not a very fun or nice feeling. I don’t know what I want to say or do, I find myself kind of lonely. And I wonder does anyone care? I sit on the bus, and I look at the other people around me. There are some groups chatting, the guys up the back mucking around, and the people who sit on their own, staring out the windows. And I wonder what they f eel. What they all feel. I sit on my own, generally, though I occasionally sit with others and chat. But… sometimes I just feel empty and pointless. Does anybody care about me? Who cares about them? Does anybody really care? Everyone belongs to themselves, and do we really look outside of the bubble? Bleh. I don’t know what I am saying even. Blame it on my odd attitude at the moment. I just worry that I have no purpose or point in my life, and that I am drifting uselessly. That I should have goals, that I should care, but sometimes I just feel like “Meh, so what?”. I am non-committal. What else is there to say? School is decent, homework is plentiful, love life has disappeared. No flirting anywhere. Life is pretty well much solidly disappointing. I know there are worse lives out there, but there are waaay better ones too. Edit: A new layout. Very cool, I think. I will probably set up a buttons page later on, sometime... Mood: Drifter Song: Hysteria by Muse.

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