Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Sterile Sheets
Hospitals are said to be creepy, but I don’t buy into that whole ‘ghost’ crap. Oh no. But there was something else I was terribly afraid of last night, as I sat in that stale air-filled room, with nothing but the sound of my Gameboy to comfort me (and the ever so irritating thing I named ‘the techno beat,’ which I later learned to be the baby’s heartbeat): Germs. Over the past seven or eight years of living under the same roof as my step dad, I’ve been turned into somewhat of a germophobe.

It was awful.

I kept disinfecting my hands with the hand sanitizer dispenser on the wall and I opened the doors with a napkin. My germophobia usually isn’t that bad, but give me a break. It was a hospital –Maternal ward or not. As soon as I got home I threw my clothes into the washer and took a thirty-minute shower.

I was getting Mexican food with a friend when Billy called and said his wife was going into labor. When he said that I figured he meant right then so I immediately rushed over. He says he was glad I was there because his parents went home and I was the only one who stayed over night. I was glad I could be there for them too but I didn’t get one blink of sleep that night. I had to stay up and wake Billy if his wife became dilated.

That kid really makes me laugh though. He’s a dad now at twenty-one, and he acts like a teenager, still. It’s kind of scary. A nurse slapped him because she asked, “What are you going to name the baby?” His response was, “Selphie.” The nurse then smiled and said, “That’s a cute name. Where’s it from?” I believe she slapped him after he said, “A video game.” I found it even more hilarious when he almost fainted after watching the baby come out, though. He says his first reaction was, “Oh my god my baby’s a cone head?!” On the ride home he told me he didn’t know that was normal. I would have gone into a long drawn out explanation on why a baby’s skull was shaped that way at birth, but I figured he wouldn’t have understood it anyway –less remember it two minutes later.

I’m still exhausted. 12 hours, I sat in that room and not to complain –any more than I already am– but hospitals really could use some more comfortable chairs. The only time I left the room was after 4AM when my aunt and uncle came back and there were too many visitors. I offered to step outside because I needed coffee and a cigarette. Inside the cafeteria my uncle made his way over because I guess he didn’t want to be in the room anymore and for an hour and a half I had to sit in there and listen to him rant on about his usual sexist mumble jumble. I guess you’d call him old fashioned, I just call him a douche bag. Apparently in the old days, it was better. Women treated men with full respect and men only paid back that respect (as he put it) 75 percent. I set my Gameboy down and asked, “Shouldn’t it be equal?” He replied with a quick, “Noo-o.” Evidently, women are supposed to be housewives and really nothing more than a sex object and slave while men are supposed to work. I wanted to throw in “If your wife didn’t have her Master’s Degree in Social Work you’d be living in a shack.” Because really, I don’t think anyone can support a family being a pizza deliveryman. He says guys ‘like him’ are intimidated by women with education because they will talk down to their husbands and I guess they feel less like a man when their wives are bringing home the bacon. Shit I wouldn’t mind one bit if my wife were volunteering to support my candied ass.

I should join a feminist group. xD

But ladies, when even the thought of having a child crosses your mind, take into consideration that you will fart, poop, and pee in front of ten strangers staring intently at your vagina. And it will hurt.


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