Friday, August 29, 2008

   so how about yesterday sucked!!
Okay so last night sucked something major…well not just last night, all day yesterday for the most part…SUCKED.
First off I wasn’t feeling well, I’ve been getting sick like crazy lately, I’m not sure if it’s due to stress, a bug or what. But anyways, so I put on my mood that I was Sick and talking to Johnathan he knew I wasn’t feeling well so what does he do? Him being the kind hearted guy that he is brought me over ginger ale Tums, and a Hershey chocolate bar. Me being completely naïve I didn’t know he was coming over. So I was about to curl up and take a nap with my little one after feeding him when I hear a knock at the door. Which just for the record freaked the shit out of me because I knew Calvin left the door unlocked for one, and Crystal or Johnathan usually just walk on in, they never knock. So I was slightly worried about whom it was, but when I got to the door and looked out and saw his car, I calmed down a little. Then a whole new set of worries kicked in because as anyone who knows me knows he wasn’t supposed to be at the house. But all the worries quickly faded when I opened the door and saw him standing there, as usual my heart did it’s little funny dance skipping a beat here and there just at the sight of him. And he was shaking like a maniac and I didn’t know what was going on. Then he told me about a wreck that happened like I think 2 cars behind him…yea that scared me shitless. For a brief moment I thought I might lose him because of something like that. Anyone who knows me knows I don’t ever want to lose him, not because of my family and defiantly not because of a wreck or something like that. So we stood there and hugged each other, kissed and just looked at each other (my favorite thing in the world to do mind you, aside from of course play with my son). After a bit though a white van passed by, at first I didn’t think much of it, I was like whatever he’s with me Shawn’s safe and quiet everything is fine. WRONG! Everything was so not fine. He left shortly after the van passed and I went back to feeding and napping with Shawn. Well mom calls and I talk to her and guess what? She knows about Johnathan being over! So I’m sitting in my bed talking to Johnathan on AIM and worrying about what mom is going to do. Well I was worrying with good reason; one of my biggest fears came to reality yet again. The choices mom gave me where this: one; break up and go back to just being friends for a while OR we could stay together but with that comes either trespassing charges or a restraining order… which either way means no seeing each other and the restraining order means absolutely no contact. Crappy choices if you ask me. This isn’t the first time we have been pushed into a forced break up this would in fact be the second time. Fortunately though, the first time lasted maybe a total of 48 hours. This time however it is a completely different story… I have no choice but to be his “friend” until he can prove he has grown up and show that he is responsible enough to be with me. This isn’t an easy choice I hate it but it has to be done. As much as I love him the way he is and would hate to see the things I love about him change, he needs to grow up. For his own sake as well as for the fact that he wants to be a father figure to my son, so he needs to grow up for Shawn and me. Also, he needs to do this for his family. His mom loves him horribly that was obvious the last time I talk to her. She hated kicking him out but apparently she thought it would force him into growing up and learn from his mistakes. Sadly though, it didn’t work; which is what forced my mom into calling his step dad to see what he thought she should do about this whole situation. She figured that Dave had known Johnathan better and longer than she has so he would be able to tell her what to do and give her a better solution than the one she had come up with. But his only solution was the same as what mom had originally thought needed to be done; that I needed to be the one to break up with him and put him in his place. Everyone seems to think that me breaking up with him and leaving him to figure things out on his own without my support or guidance will help him…
NEWSFLASH!! I DON’T CONTROL HIM AND I HONESTLY DON’T SEE WHERE I HAVE THAT MUCH CONTROL OVER HIS ACTIONS IT WAS PROVEN YESTERDAY THAT I DON’T BECAUSE I ASKED HIM NOT TO COME OVER I TOLD HIS IT WOULD BE A BAD IDEA AND IT WOULD CAUSE PROBLEMS AND GUESS WHAT FOKES HE CAME OVER ANYWAYS!THE END OF NEWSFLASH.
So how does everyone think me lecturing him and breaking up with him is going to help? But being that I am only 17 and I don’t apparently have the right to choose who I date I was forced towards the decision to break up with the guy that I love because of his in-ability to grow up. Sorry Johnathan I know your reading this but it’s the truth. I am sorry if that came across as harsh.
But anyways, this means that Johnathan and I are broken up for a second time now. Crappy part of this is today is/would have been 5 months for us! Talk about crap. But hopefully I will be able to go out and enjoy myself tonight. I am talking to my mom about taking me to Buffalo Lanes in Garner to see or rather actually meet and hang out with Samantha. Only drawback to that is that Shawn’s dad will be there and I’m not sure how he will handle seeing him. Last time I was up there he ran out of the building and avoided me the rest of the night and that was while I was still pregnant. When I went to where he works to eat lunch with my family which included Shawn he called us and asked us never to come up there again. I could understand it if we were rude or something but we didn’t do anything to him, didn’t say anything to him, didn’t even ask him to look at Shawn. But he did! We all saw him staring at him, which was nice I was so happy to see him at least look at him. That was more than I thought he would do. I was expecting him to completely avoid seeing him if he could but he looked!
Anyways, that’s a totally different story that needs to be left alone. :sigh: it’s going to be a long day, I don’t know if I’ll get to talk to Johnathan until like late tonight if at all… I hate having to wait so long to talk to him and not knowing if I will talk to him, I sucks it worries me. I am a worry wart its okay. : laughs: I just don’t want this relationship to end up like my past ones where we break up against what we want, and then we say we’ll wait, we say we’ll get back together, and then I wait and I wait but they never come back. Or they move on without me. I know Johnathan has said he is nothing like my ex’s and he wants to marry me but I’ve still got a lot of insecurities about this. Not because of him but because I have had those same words spoken to me by someone before and he broke my heart. He told me the two things he wanted most in the world from me were my heart and my hand and we had all these plans for the summer after we graduated and what not. And now he has moved on and is in love with someone else. Saying I was never love I was an unhealthy infatuation. That’s a great thought right?
So that was completely off the topic I started on…
This is turning into another rant…but that’s ok…when you have no one to talk to aside from your 2 ½ month old son you tend to lock up a lot…and so much of this has been on my mind and it’s just killing me…I mean with school starting I’m alone most of the time…and that leaves a lot of time to think…and the things I’ve been thinking of aren’t the happiest things in the world…it’s just hard to think that a year ago this time I was happy…I was not pregnant and I was in what I thought was the best relationship in the world because I thought he loved me even though I didn’t have the official label “girlfriend” he made me feel that he loved me…oh well crap happens I guess…
Now I’m back to the same point only with a different guy, only this time I know he loves me even his friends tell me so. I mean not like I need them to tell me that he loves me I already know it it’s just very nice to hear it from someone else. Wow this turned into a way longer rant than I had anticipated…
So let us get off the topic of yesterday and on with the news for today.
It has been an okay day; I didn’t wake up feeling sick this morning. THANK GOD! I have been typing this off and on since about 10 this morning when I woke up and turned on the computer…Shawn actually sleep in this morning which was totally un expected because I put him to bed kind of early last night because of all the drama but he sleep in his crib until about 2 this morning. That’s when he woke up to eat to I brought him to the bed, feed him and then he feel back asleep until around 7ish. Then he eat and went back to sleep. He has taken two naps today which is great he is taking another one now…hence why I’m trying to write as much as possible they usually only last for about 30 minutes but if I get lucky he stays asleep for an hour! So since he has been such an angel for me today I was actually able to eat lunch today! He sat in his little bouncy long enough for me to eat almost 2 pizzas. He loves to sit in front of the television in the living room and watch practically anything. We have found that with wrestling and mixed martial arts wrestling, he loves to get active along with them. He kicks his little feet along and it sounds like he’s fussing at them because his little mouth is going a mile a minute. This afternoon he watched 2 ½ episodes of Tom and Jerry. He loves cartoons the bright colors and animation fascinates him he stares at the screen for sometimes hours!
In other new and semi-important news, I might be going to buffalo lanes tonight!! That means I’ll get to see Samantha, Crystal and her sister! And they get to finally meet Shawn!! HURRAY for us! : Laughs: I am slightly nervous about it though. I will have to go without Johnathan by my side. Last time I went there I was able to handle seeing “him” because I had my man by me. This time I don’t even have my man to come home to…I don’t know if I’ll be ok this time…and this time I’m going up there with his son >.< why must this be so complicated? I want to hang out with the friends I’ve made but it’s so awkward when they are all friends with him and he doesn’t want anything to do with me or his kid!
Hum what else…I think that’s it….I is going to stop ranting and spend some time talking to my favorite Somebody in the world…who you ask? WOULDN’T YOU LIKE TO KNOW?! : Hahahahaha:
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