Friday, January 18, 2008

More fic crap.
To be more specific... I'm looking for a bit of concrit regarding a short passage of Overture I typed up last night. It's actually from the last/climax scene of the fic because I am weird and sometimes write climax scenes first, although there isn't much in the way of spoilers. But anyway, this part in particular just REALLY, REALLY bothers me, although I don't know if it's just me being paranoid or if it's genuinely bad. So yes, any help and advice is greatly, greatly appreciated. <3

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Jaejoong mumbled words against the other boy’s soft, slightly tousled hair. “I’m glad you volunteered to be leader, Yunho.”

The boy addressed didn’t bother to analyze the meaning of Jaejoong’s words, knowing that the workings of the other boy’s mind were still a mystery to him despite their connection. “And why’s that?”

Because I could follow you anywhere, Jaejoong thought, but decided that such things were better left unsaid.

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IS THAT LINE SAPPY OR WHAT. Oh god, it's such fluff. But some part of me really likes it, otherwise I would've deleted it by now. And I figure that Jaejoong didn't actually say the line makes the moment that much less cheesy. So is it really too sappy, or is it just me overthinking again? :(((

--EDIT: Just to clarify, by Yunho volunteering to be leader, I meant leader of DBSK. In case that was unclear or something.

On a less hysterical note, I'm also thinking of replacing the "didn’t bother to analyze the meaning of Jaejoong’s words" sentence with this:

Yunho felt a little exasperated that he was left to puzzle over yet another one of Jaejoong’s baffling, inexplicable little remarks, but knew deep down that he wouldn’t change any of the older boy’s quirks even if he had the power to.

I like this line better, although I don't know if it fits in as well as the one I'm currently using.

So. Opinions? :DD

EDIT: God, there has GOT to be other epithets I can use other than "older/younger/other boy." But I don't like identifying them by their hair, so....? :(((
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