myOtaku.com: Ben

myO Still <3's You

Vitals

Birthday
• 1988-09-25
Gender
• Male
Location
• Groton, CT
Member Since
• 2003-07-31
Occupation
• Student, Lackey of Doom
Real Name
• Ben

Personal

Achievements
• Wrote a 157 page book and am working on a sequel that is 50+ pages long at the moment.
Anime Fan Since
• Eh...fifth grade, I think.
Favorite Anime
• Digimon Forever! Followed further back by Yu-Gi-Oh.
Goals
• Get my darn book ~~published...~~ REWRITTEN
Hobbies
• Writing, reading, IM'ing
Talents
• Writing and I have a knack for gaming.

myOtaku.com: Ben

Wednesday, June 9, 2004

Sometimes I wish I were different.
(Scroll down, all you people who tend to miss my consecutive posts.)

As the title says, I'd like to be different than I am now.

At the graduation this evening, some of the graduates cried. They were going to miss each other. Victoria cried after reading the card my sister gave her. Then the two of them, both in tears, hugged each other. My sister is going off to college, and Victoria is leaving Sacred Heart.

Sacred Heart was the main thing that connected them. Jess works there, and Victoria went there. Now Jess will be going off to college, and Victoria will be coming to St. Bernard's.

I felt out of place, to say the least.

EDIT: Christina was crying, too. It made conversation uncomfortable.

I don't cry often. The only instances of me crying are in the case of extreme pain, or when some feeling actually penetrates through to my very being. When I cry, it's usually in private. If I get hurt badly by something, and it's not life-threatening, then I'll retreat to some secluded space to cry. I dislike being pitied in those circumstances.

If something depresses me, I'll retreat somewhere. I'll wait until the dark and silence of the night before breaking down finally. Up in my room, closed off from the rest of the world.

Tonight, I wanted to be different. I wanted to know what it was everyone was feeling. I could not feel what they must have been feeling. I had not felt that way at my own graduation, to be sure. Whether or not it was because I didn't like most of my classmates, I don't know.

In many cases, I simply don't comprehend what's happening on the right level. It's as if I didn't realize that I probably wouldn't see those people again, ever. Or at least not nearly as much as I did for the past eleven years. Similarly, when someone I know dies; their death doesn't get to me. I just realize that I won't be seeing them anymore.

It almost hurt to be left out. I say "almost," because I didn't feel anything. I wanted to. I wanted to be a part of it, to cry; to understand what it was they were all worked up about.

But I couldn't.

Going off in a different direction now; I did not go to the graduation reception they held last night. I knew about it, but nobody had told me about it. I was welcome to come; I am a friend to most of the class. But I didn't. I hadn't expressly been invited. I didn't want to intrude.

I knew that I would have been welcome, I knew. I didn't have anything better to do, at all. I just didn't go.

Then, again, tonight. Walking to the beach. I hesitated about going into Par Four. Victoria had expressed that she wanted me there; that I'd be welcome.

I had serious reservations about going. I could have had my parents drive me there. I could have actually sat down and eaten dinner with them, instead of walking down for a glass of water near the end. Instead, I waited. I deliberately let time pass before I asked to leave. I made no mention of the restaurant to my mom. I asked to go to the beach.

People at the restaurant were happy; they were celebrating. I had said my congratulations, I didn't know what else to say. I didn't know what to be happy about.

It's all so hard.

I could do and be and feel so much more if I were different, and it drives me insane to think about it.

Why can't I be different?

Two in the morning. What a time to be writing this sort of thing.
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