Tuesday, January 18, 2005

   Blergh.
Don't expect this update to be as long and interesting as the last. I'd like to actually get sleep tonight. And I've stuff left to do after I'm done with this. So, yeah. Procrastinator King wins again. Time to start up some sort of tally. Help me keep track.

Procrastinator King: 1

Ben: 0

So, midterm exams were given back today. I didn't do as good as I could have, and I know that. The grades were just about what I expected, but less than I'd hope for. Of course, I'm speaking in generalities. I'm quite happy with my Theology and English grades.

So, without further ado, here are the grades I earned. (Note: Not the grades that pretentious bastards gave to me-READ: Teachers. I try to be an internalizer. Yay, I used a Psychology term! Okay, enough parentheses chatter.)

Honors Pre-Calculus: (Z-Score, without comparative calculation. Final grade may be quite different) 56. I expected to not do well on this exam, and having gone over it, I see that I could have done much better. I mean, everything made sense. It's not as if I didn't understand what the heck we were doing, things just didn't process the right way in my head. I saw something phrased differently than I was use to, or something, and my brain shut down. I suck at Math. I used to be good, but...yeah.

Honors English III: (Grade before curve: 82) 87. I could have done much, much better on this exam. If I had gone over all of the old tests like I was supposed to, I would have known the answer to every wuestion before I even read the question on the exam. They were all right there. I even had extra time to study. It's a big stupid sequence of events. Had I studied the tests as thoroughly as needed, I would've flown through the objective section, and then aced the essays. As it were, I did well on the essays, but had I more time to do them, I could have done so much better! So....right. Happy about this, but discontent.

Theology III: (Before extra credit: 88) 91. Ah yes, religion remains my saving grace. It helps just a bit that I've had 13+ years of Catholic education, a ridiculously thorough Confirmation class (which covered just about every aspect of the Catholic Church's history and policies and the rest); being a practicing Catholic since the day I was born helps, too. No big surprise with this grade. I'm glad I earned it.

Intro to Psychology: 77. Bah. If I wasn't so freaking lazy, I'd have done the extra credit and gotten an 87 instead of the 77. As it was, though, I scored higher than some of the people who did do the extra credit, and get the extra ten points. Significantly better, in some cases. Again, though, if I had done the extra credit, not only would I have ahd ten more points, but I'd have known the material that much better. Grawr. *frustration*

AP American History: (Again, another opportunity at extra credit not completed due to lazyness, or something) 75. I know I can do better than this. I know it. I just didn't study more than the night before. The terms were familiar, the names were known at one point. Just....recalling all of the information from the past few months.....it wasn't happening. And it didn't. I earned a 75, and that disappoints me. I'm slipping.

Intro to Sociology: (Another ten-point extra credit, not turned in.) 74. Another in the seventies. I'm just disgusted with myself over this. Not disgusted like "Oh my gawd, I'm such a loser and I'm stupid" sort of thing. I'm not immature like that (all the time, at least ;p). Just, more of a disappointment in myself. And no, not in the angsty teen sort of way that requires effusive consolation. So, keep it to yourself, please. I'm fine. Just....bleh. I suck sometimes. =p

Honors French IV: 82. Heh, my remarkable consistency finally shines through. My test grades in French for the quarter were 82, 82, 81, and then I got an 82 on the exam. Heh. Yay for an acceptable grade. I also found out my quarter average from Mr. Ayres: 87. Not too bad, if I say so myself. I'm not too disappointed with this. I studied a bit, and that's what it took. I don't think any more studying would have prepared me, really. I'm just a slightly above average student in French. I've gotten used to it.

So, there you have it. My exam grades. I'm not about to do anything drastic over them, so none of you worry. I'd just really like to do something about my inability to sit down and do something. I just seem to have a real problem with doing something ahead of time. If I have a project due in a week, the majority of it is done the night before. All of my papers this year have been done the night before they were due. All of them.

Every. Single. One.

I simply cannot sit down and focus. It sucks. Majorly.

I'm getting tested sometime soon for ADD. I don't think I have it, but hopefully there'll be something wrong that they can identify. That way I can externalize the problem. (Yay, I used another Psychology term!) In other words, I can place the blame on something other than me.

Seriously. I wish it were as simple as some sort of disorder. I wish there was some sort of medication that I could take to help me focus, to keep me doing my work.

And yet, one of my inner prejudices shines through. I don't like the idea of submitting to a pill. I don't want to have to take medication all the time to help me. I don't like to make excuses for myself on serious issues. (Minor issues I am the master at, however. I can and have gotten out of several sticky situations. Yay for intellectual agility!)

Anyways, this all touches back to my idea of "Student vs. Learner." I'm not a good student, I am a good learner. And I'm sure that I'll keep coming back to this problem, until something is done about it, or until something I finally break down. For a long time.

(Last bit was mostly dramatic effect, ignore it. It's a writing quirk I have. :p)
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