Thursday, November 17, 2005

   Good to have friends.
The Dress Rehearsal went all right, as did the performance this morning. It bodes well for the shows tomorrow and Saturday. I'm actually looking forward to them. I'm nervously apprehensive, still, but....whatever. That's normal.

I'm really tired. Late nights after rehearsals, and just the emotional drain of acting each time. I'm extremely grateful for an evening off. Hopefully I can get to bed early tonight.....

Anyway. There was one issue I really wanted to get out in the open, because it's been eating at me from the inside, and I couldn't think of anybody I trusted enough to talk with about it. It brought me here.

I did manage to talk to Matt about it, though. That was good. He actually knows the other person involved, so it wasn't as hard to relate as I thought it'd be. That, and Matt and I are "tight." We're great friends, brought together by the world, really. Everybody gets us mixed up, even after four years of school, we've got a bunch of similar interests, friends, yeah. Whatever. Matt and I are best buds. So I told him about it.

But enough beating around the bush! To the matter at hand!

I don't know if I've ever mentioned my friend Megan here before, or if you'd remember me mentioning her even if I had. Well, she went to Saint Bernard's for her Freshman and Sophomore years, and did fencing and drama with me for some of that time. Apparently she also took a very strong liking to me, which I found out about....oh.....I don't know.....last year, maybe?

Well, now she goes to another school. Waterford High School. A public school. Her Homecoming was last weekend, and she invited me to go as her date. We hadn't seen each other for about three months, the last time being at a walk-for-cancer that she invited me to over the summer. I might have mentioned it.

But what I know I didn't mention is this: When I went to leave, it was late at night, and she'd walked over to my mom's car with me. Nobody around, dark out. Put simply, she seduced me, and we kissed. Several times.

Go Ben!....? Eh. I don't know. I was pretty thrilled to have my first kiss, but....I didn't have any desire to pursue any sort of relationship with Megan, past friendship. I guess I didn't make that very clear....

So, she invited me to her Homecoming, and I assented to going. Afterward I made a bit fuss about it with my friends who knew her, because they know how eccentric she can be. I got all sorts of pity. (These friends, mind you, have no idea that Megan and I ever kissed.)

So we go out to dinner with a friend of hers, nothing special there....blah, blah, blah, we get to the dance. And that's when things start to get.....personal, I guess.

You know how a lot of American teenagers dance. Hip-to-hip, rocking to the music. Well, I don't do that. I'd just be embarrassed to do that in front of people I knew.

Yeah, well. There was nobody at Waterford I really knew, besides my date. I danced. A lot. In that hip-to-hip grinding sort of dance. And well....it wasn't a bad thing, because nobody was there whose opinion mattered to me, really. I feel sort of uncomfortable about it now, and I'm sure I'd never do it at any of my school dances, and doubtless with any of my girl friends.

So there I was, dancing in what I generally see as an improper manner. All sorts of my inhibitions were lowered then. I was tired, relaxed, and generally not worrying about repercussions. Megan's arms were around my neck. She leaned up, and pulled down.

We kissed.

*twitch*

Being kissed (or kissing, I guess) is an enjoyable thing, in my opinion. It happened again, and again, and again, over the course of the night. I wasn't really thinking about what it could mean. I was just having a good time at the dance.

So, shortly after we kissed once, she asked: "So, does this mean you like me like me?"

I did a mental backflip at about that point. Her question wasn't really a question.

"Maybe." I managed to say in my most mysterious manner.

I have no intention of pursuing any sort of serious relationship with Megan, nor have I ever had one. It was then that I realized, pretty much, that I was totally getting her hopes up. She thought for sure that I liked her and wanted to go out with her.

But....she was wrong with her assumption. *le sigh*

So, there's the bit of a dilemma. I'm a sucker for kissing. (As in, I like it; it's a weak spot of mine, etc. Not...anything else. :p) The reason I kissed her is because I liked kissing her. Not because I liked her. Not the way she wants me to, anyway.

And....gah.

That's most of it, I guess.

What I've done is pretty much solidify her belief that I really do like her, when in fact I'd be perfectly content never to see her again.

Stupid, stupid me. I feel weak. =/

I'd very much like to talk to her in person (I can't imagine telling anybody something like this by phone) but I can't think of a means of getting together without making it seem like a date or something.

And....yeah. I'll be seeing her soon. Waterford goes to a goodly number of fencing competitions that SBHS does as well. And I really don't trust her discretion on the matter. I mean, what reason does she have to be discrete? We made out in front of practically her whole school at Homecoming, why would she think I wouldn't tell people at my school?

Gah. Again.

I might end up pulling her aside at a competition sometime and setting things straight. But until then, well.....I'll continue to tell my story. It's getting easier each time, and I feel better each time it's told.

Thanks for reading. =)

Feel free to comment/PM/AIM/whatever. I miss you guys, and feel like talking about stuff. ^_^

-Ben
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