Monday, November 21, 2005

   Things That Make You Ache
Seems like a long time the last time I posted anything...Well, as far as anything exciting happenng in my life, nothing new. Except I have a Math test today, my last one before the big final. Hm, I think it was Thursday that my friend Sherry needed lead and I helped her. I ended up asking some stranger in the computer lab. Luckily she had some and Sherry was so happy. "That was so random and cool, Bena." I couldn't help, but smile at her. Even though we're the same age she makes me feel like a big sister or someone older. I don't really see what the big deal was. Makes me wonder if I'm just weird, even though I heard so many call me "cool". Alisha told me once she and a couple of her friends who knew me called me "different". I find it kinda of interesting, but I don't really care anymore. Hm, really gonna miss Sherry, she makes me smile and on rare occassions she makes me laugh. Hopefully we'll see each other again or make time to get lunch or coffee.

Let's see, what else to ramble on about? Ah yes, I got a "B" on my last Philosophy test. And that same day Angel's hubby and I wandered around a bit looking for Clinton. You see, I was talking with him on the bus about Harry Potter and we were really into the conversation. He almost missed his stop and left his jacket on the bus. I took it to give it back to him later, but the problem was that I don't really see him.

N-E-Wayz, turned out there was a free turkey dinner available for campus students. "Ah Heck No! Clinton's gonna have to wait!" I was so hungry! Didn't have time for breakfast, (When do I?) and I hadn't had lunch. Too bad for Angel's hubby, he had to go to his car. I stood in line by my regular loner self until one of my---well---I guess you can say friends since she's more than an aquaintence, but more one of the people you know from meeting them somewhere. She's a junior in college and has a very sweet personality. She was one of the people who had talked me into making a shirt in rememeberance of those who have suffered any kind of violence.

Grr..I always forget her name...I don't really use the person's name whenever I talk to them. I could have a decent discussion with an absolute stranger. Guess it's a skill of mine. She sat with me while we ate our lunches. They only had diet coke and I was thristy, hm college life, ne? Later she met some guy in a wheel chair and they started talking about psychology and philosophy, and classes and all that rot. I didn't really talk because I was too busy eating. Linda found me after she had gotten her food. She's an a classmate of mine in my philosophy class. She knew my name I guess because I talked a lot and participated in class more often than others. I would also see her when I had to go to my test anxiety test, her class was coming out when mine was going in. We'd talk and ask each other about homework, felt a lot like old high school.

Anway it really felt good to talk with someone outside of class. I think she maybe a senior, she's a lot older than I probably in her early thirties or late twenties. She's sweet as well. Man, I don't mean to complain, but why do I keep running into these nice, sweet, positive, friendly people? I'm just not use being around such people, ya know? At times I feel a bit out of place and think, "Why are you talking with me?" or "Wow, this is how normal people are..." It's just...it's the new start I had always wanted to have, but as cliche as it sounds, no one knows the real me here. ARGH!! I HATE THESE ANGST FEELINGS!!!

I think things over sometimes and about my life. I have to live my own and not someone else's. Thinking this helps me not feel so sad about my close friends being away at different places. They have to live their lives and to ask them not to would be selfish of me. We all must write our own stories and narrate our autobiographies otherwise the truths that we learn in life may become distorted and we may never discover who we truly are in this every day miracle called life.

...I need to vent to someone who already knows how I am...I want to talk with someone and have them not give me that look that drives me mad or makes me want to shatter them into a million pieces...if you could only see the way that some people look at me...I hate it...When I open up or speak my words people get scared I guess or they are in awe. I don't mean to sound so arrogant, but it is true. So...I hide myself never truly speaking the words...I scare myself too sometimes. When I start talking it's as if I'm listening to a voice recording of someone else who knows exactly what they are talking about...*Shakes Head* I hate this...all of it...I want someone...I just don't know who...someone to talk to and feel safe with, is that so much to ask for?

*Light chuckle* It's like the song Faye-chan use to sing all the time. "I'm in love with a man I do not know." Thanks Faye-chan for that lovely little tune. I find myself singing it to myself and it reminds me of your craziness. Makes me smile when I'm down...I said once that I wouldn't really miss you guys because you all will always be with me inside my heart and in my memories...I meant it...Thank you all. Sometimes the memories get me through the day and give me courage to hope for the next...Man...I must sound like I'm having a mental breakdown or something...I hope not...I hate crying...

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