Tuesday, May 8, 2007

actually im kinda surprize in a way but she doesnt like him anyways but but brittany stood up for me and i was like shocked when i read this prt of her post "My best friend Caitlin and her so called best friend James are like in a fight. I don't know the whole story but he's being a major dick and I couldn't take it any more. I probably shouldn't have gotten into it. But I like I said I couldn't take it anymore. I IMed him and said this.. Brittyb13 [1:05 AM]: you know what James? You're a total ass to tell Caitlin you hate her. She's never said such a thing to you. You're a cold hearted, insensitive prick. And you know what? She's not fucking emo. God, you know just because she's depressed doesn't mean she's a god damn emo. He never did say anything back. He's probably going to block me because he's gay like that. So now I think Jenny is mad at me because I took Caitlin's side. -__- What the fuck? I always manage to fuck things up so bad. " if jennys mad at her its all my fault because im the one fighting with james and and if shes mad at her for like taking my side then its all my fault and i feel bad

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jenn... my brothers ex told me thissss......

Caitlin, I think therapy would be a very good thing for you. You do tend to be very dark about things and maybe a therapist can help you find out why. My older brothers both went to one and both benefited greatly from it. Whats the worst that can happen... it not work. Big deal... but you could end up finding out what causes you to be so upset and fix the problem... that would be great. Give it a try Caitlin, and they may be a stranger... but pretend its someone who you talk to online. I know when Im not feeling great I talk to people I'm not close friends with so they don't carry my burdens. You are a very interesting and intelligent individual and doing this will only improve yourself. Good luck with everything.

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So now I supposedly have to go to counselling. Because I hate myself, cut, have a "bad self-image", and low self-esteem. Ugh, I told my mom it'd be a waste of money. Then she said she'd just find a free one. And that she'd make me go everyday. Not like I'm going to talk about myself to some stranger. Stupid people.

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Monday, May 7, 2007

first of all i didnt say that i'm not adding her cuz shes a lesbian second of all , DO YOU KNOW HOW FUCKING LONG AGO THAT WAS, third of all i'm sick of you bitching at me when i dont even do anything, fourth of all when you DO bitch at me i use to suck it all in now i dont, fith of all you always said we werent friends then we were again, sixth of all i cant take that anymore, seventh of all i'm sorry for all of this, eighth of all i hope you recall how many times i tried to be britts friend and she threw me down, nineth of all ...you think your the only one thats ever sad? what about me ...do you even know what goes on anymore, i dont tell you because i cant and i wish i could...but you'd get more sad than you already are, and i could care less if shes a lesbian, and jenny talks to me so i think all that is over with ...brittany just hates me cuz i'm me and i should go shoot myself like .....you alreayd know what i'm talking about okay, and God does love you for who you are, its just he didnt create you for being gay or bi or lesbian, its like a hack ina game, like your cheating on the right way to go, but thats how that goes and i'm not saying that to be mean, and what is your problem caitlin i've tried and tried to make you feel better and i didnt see an improvement, i know it seems like i've been a bitch for the longest time, but thats because of what you do, your emo aways make me emo thats why i did what i did, caitlin i dont want to be sad anymore, you being sad makes me sad and i dont know what to do so i get mad cuz i feel like theres no point in anything, but when i dont see your aways everyone tells me how important i am, but those aways make me think about ALL the people who have said i'm not important, and now i'm not important to you know so ...i guess its over, but i have to say its too late because you always make us not friends anymore then you apologize and then we're friends again, but the same thing keep happening so i had to step up and end it by telling you i cant take it anymore, and why are you saying all this mean stuff about me ...what did i say about you thats mean ...all i've said is what i feel, i might've accidently called you names out of rage, but... i said i'm sorry so i'm sorry but i know you wont believe that because you never believe me when i tell you i love you or i say sorry or anything, ...you just rub it off and it hurts....it hurts alot

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Wednesday, May 2, 2007

im stupid and fucked up and i ruin peoples lives. and im annoying and a worthless waste of life. tomorrow i have to wear my short sleeved uniform for rotc.. and cuz i got so pissed off and upset n such i kinda did stuff and pressed down more then before the first few of like 20. im so fucked up. and before i didnt pressed down hard at all i just slid it across and id shower and itd be like pink lines and scab a little but i did it after the shower and and left it bleeding still a little before i went to sleep and the scabs are like more noticable... maybe later when i shower again itll show less. im a stupid fucking retard. and i miss being james' friend. but i dont wanna ruin his life anymore i told him and i said i didnt wanna fight anymore. and he got made and was saying shit about im not even trying and such and now i just regret ever to have met him because i made his life so miserable. no i still am so thatd be making not made. -_- i was a bitch to him i know... like telling him to shove a knife down his dick wasnt really nice,, but he got me real upset and i said things i didnt mean and yea........... now i have no best friends at all cuz i hardly talk to brittany anyways. or see her. i got her a stuffed froggy from south carolina for a present ^_^ i hope i get to see her and give her it sometime. oh well. i should die.

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Sunday, April 29, 2007

i have no friends and i suck at life and i learned yet again that family vacations bite ass i was hoping it wouldnt but it was just ike all the others oh well....... my mom changed my room around and i got really pissed off and i tore down the curtian and pushed a bunch of garbage she let the dogs tear up in my room out into the hall and i mad my room like it was and i didnt go to sleep until like 4 30 in the morning . i need to die damnit djkfnjkgnh all i did was ride my bike and read three books and getdragged around to other places and then this morning i was standing near my mom and my whole family was in the same room for once and shes like so is that a new cut on ur arm or did u scratch it on vacation.... i dont have any new cuts on my arm its all healed and i just have a shitload of scars i havent done anything for like two weeks even tho ive anted to but i can refrain from it sorta just yea ill shut up and go now

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Friday, April 20, 2007

packing and either leaving tonight or tomorrow and going to south carolina for a week.... soooo yea idk ill see you guys in a week?.... bye byez! hopefully this wont be too too horride.

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and its hitlers birthday and the 8 yr aniversary of the columbine shooting

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haha happy like national pot smoking day or whatever its called idk areil told me thats what it was called all i kno is it has to do with pot

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