Friday, February 9, 2007

I don't know... It's almost midnight I know that much at least.

I don't know I guess things are kind of better you could say...he's being nicer again. My mom was texting me during lunch and telling me that we might go to San Diego, CA for a few days on February vacation. Only like 2/28 through 3/3-4. not sure which day we'd leave yet though is all. Depends how things go I guess. But it'd only be my dad, maybe my brother Jonathan, my sister Kristina and me going. My mom has to work, my borther ben has classes probably and wouldn't want to go i bet, and Jonathan might not be able to get off work. Oh well... On Monday I think.. I don't know.. 2/12 at like 3pm I'm going to the eye doctors to get like my prescription and stuff checed for contacts... Last year around this time I broke my glasses... and now I messed them up the other day... I accidentally stepped on them. the first time I chucked them against a wall and the piece on the side broke off and a len popped out then i got wicked mad and just took them and snapped them across the bridge. Oh well.. and It like sparked it seemed when I snapped them. Flicka is kind of a good movie... I just watched it downstairs with my dad on the opposite side of the room though. I have a wicked bad stomach ache all the sudden, I'm probably going to get a headache soon enough. I always get headaches. It's kind of shitty. And lately my backs been hurting because I don't use my locker at school and carry a huge binder with seven classes of papers and three text books. And usually an energy drink and some snacks for lunch. Then the front pocket is full of markers and pencils and pens and such. Its one of those L.L.Bean bags... Oh well. Cranberry sauce is yummy... That was my dinner to night.. a can of cranberry sauce. It's good. My puppies are so cute how they act sometimes... They fight each other and fool around. They sit on each others heads. They cuddle and sleep together. Oh and sometimes they curl up and have their heads on each others asses. It's cute =). Oooh maybe I can put their picture up. Hmm, let's see if this works. Sorry, nevermind I don't have a picture able to come on in a way I know how at the moment. Hmmmm... okay. I don't wanna do annual inspection for ROTC next week. I probably smell funky because I was all hot in my stupid uniform today. Bleh... I have a picture of me though. I war n you it's ugly. Or .. I am ugly. If this works anyways... If not.. I have a myspace... and if you wanna see. I don't care... http://www.myspace.com/fucking_kill_me_damnit Yea.. Okay, cause I prbably smell funky and it's 12.05am here. I shall go shower and get to bed. Good night... Even though I'm too too much into this kinda music much anymore it's still okay at times and this song is good.. Thanks for the suggestion.

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Wednesday, February 7, 2007

...Sorry.. I'm annoying... you don't have to even bother to read.. it'd be pointless.

This morning sucked... Got yelled at and like dragged outta bed... My dad's being an asshole more now.. again. I wish he weren't laid off because then I wouldn't have to deal with that shit again... I didn't want to go to school today.. I didn't feel good because I had a headache and my back really hurt and such things like that. My mom kept yelling at me... I sat down on the stairs and leaned against the wall and was falling asleep and she was telling me to get up and go to the car supposedly.. but I was like asleep so I didn't know. Then she like yelled in my ear and wouldn't stop tapping her annoying ass shoes on the floor. She kept saying stuff and making my headache worse, I kind of snapped at her. I told her to shut the fuck up because I didn't feel good and I threw my glasses at her. I went to push my glasses off the step of the stairs but I stepped on them instead accidentally. =\ Oh well, they're shitty anyways. She got wicked mad... but later she said she might make me get contacts... I don't think it will happen though. i asked her if I could get contacts a while ago and she said no. Oh well... then my dad got home from dropping my sister off at school and he got mad and started yelling at me.. he like grabbed my arms and tried pulling me up but I pulled back because it was hurting my back more. When he finally did get me up he was pushing me and only way I've been able to get out of his grasp was bye sinking down to the floor or atleast trying to. Then I was sitting there and he stopped for a second and then tried making me move by kneeing me in the back...and he like had his hands pressing in on my shoulders and they slid to around my neck... and he tried pulling me up... Then I forget how exactly but he got me to the other side of the dining room and kneed my back again and then went to the kitchen and put dishes in the dish washer. Then he was picking up stuff on the floor and go mad and started yelling in my ear wiiicked loudly and I started crying...then he grabbed my ankle and pulled me further across the room and my shoes came off and my jeans were sliding down but i had two pairs on because I'd get in trouble for the hole in them... Then he started sweeping and sweeping everything on me... Then he started screaming again and he took his belt off and hit the wall... honestly.. scared the shit outt me because he's hit me before... and I was afraid he was going to. He said something about when he was young if he did what i was supposedly doing that he'd be dead by now and that I probably should be that now. Then he had it in his hand still and was screaming into my ears and I was telling him to leave me alone and to go away and he got wicked mad cause I told im to shut up accidentally... He's done worse before... and I know this all seems pathetic .. so does anything else he does probably... but oh well... First time he did this kind of thing... i counted and numbered my bruises.. I had like 30... My dad hates me... and he even said he wished I was dead. Ben and Jonathan always say I'm emo all the tiem and that I should just cut cut myself somemore and such... Ben in a way made me get a cut on my wrist.. when he pushed me into the door and my arms all bruised and cut a little from it.. it's not as bad looking now though... And my mom has told me before she wished she never had me and never knew me or anything... I remember I just had ran into the woods when she went up and took a shower that day.... I just sat on a rock and wanted to just not be here... .. Fuck now I'm crying again..>_<.. skljfgnbjh Sorry. Sorry I'm annoying I know... sorry..

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Tuesday, February 6, 2007

   -_-

My dad got laid off... again. This is like the ten zillionth time. All he does is mope around the house all day and get all bitchy and mess the house up and when he should clean it but doesn't and then when I get home from school he makes me clean, but I usually don't listen. Oh well. Then, my mom gets all bitchy. It's quite annoying really.

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Sunday, February 4, 2007

=\

I know what it's like to want to die. How it hurts to smile. How you try to fit in but you can't. How you hurt yourself on the outside... trying to kill the thing on the inside. tell me you don't take that blade and drag it across your skin... and pray for the courage to press down. So.. so true. =\

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Friday, February 2, 2007

School related?.. I guess you could say that.

1st semester. Grades. Period. Class. Level.1st Quarter. 2nd Quarter. Midterm. Semester. A - Keyboarding - L3 - A - B - C - B+ B - French II - L3 - C - D - F - D C - NJROTC - N/A - B+ - A - B - A D - Physical Science - L2 - D - F - D - F E - Algebra I - L2 - C+ - B+ - A - B F - English I - L3 - B - C+ - B - B G - Lunch H - Colorguard - L3 - A - A - F - B I skipped out on the solos for colorguard soi failed those midterms. And I failed science for the semester so I either have to take it again or go to summer school. Oh well. I have three credits now. I need 19 more to graduate. Next week teachers are signing off for classes for next year. >_<. Okay... Ohh yea, my scheduale now is... A - Health B - French II C - NJROTC D - Physical Science E - Algebra I F - Lunch G - Civics H - English I

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=\

Oh and people who have sommented saying stuff about don't kill myself.... don't worry I'm too pathetic to go through with it. Though, maybe one day.

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MySpace.

...is sooooo pissing me off. It's not working right for me..... Anyone else having issues or just me?..

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   Umm...... I complain too much don't I...

How do you get a fancy background thing on here?... I tried but couldn't get it right I guess. Probably just cause I'm stupid. Hmmm, so bored. Earlier.. my sister wouldn't get in the shower and we were kind of like fighting sort of and yelling at each other. (She's about 8 1/2 years younger than me.) But yea, then my brother Ben who's like 20 and he slammed the bathroom door into my back and I told him to fuck off. Then I went out in the hall and he kept yelling at me and I told him to shut up and he wouldn't. He's yelling saying I shouldn't yell at her like that and I'm just like "Why the fuck not, you guys yell at me ten times worse than that." Then he made this gesture like he was going to hit me and I backhanded his face and he pushed me into my sister bedroom door. I slammed my head on it and my knee slammed into the floor wicked hard and its hard wood floor too. Also my wrist got a chunk of skin scraped out and it's all swollen and red now. It stings really bad still... and my back hurts. Sorry, I complain way too much. Too, too much. Sorry again. But yea, my dad didnt't even care he just yelled at me and didn't even say anything to my brother and told my mom it was all my fault. Asshole family peoples. The other day I got to school like five minutes before period B ended. It was just french class. I hate french class. I want to drop the class but my mom won't let me. Bitchface. But yea, anyways, I didn't feel good and I had a wicked bad headache and I didn't want to go to school. My mom like was threatening to call the cops on me for it, oh and send me to a therapist. She can send me to one all she wants. I'm not going to say anything. I don't like talking to people very much, unless I'm in a talkative mood like i rarely am or I know them well or have to talk. But yea, I threw this mini metal garbage can across the hall, and i threw this box and this other thing too. then my mom sent my brother up here and he was pulling at my ankles and trying to drag me outta bed but I was squirming too much and he gave up, for a couple minutes. He had left and my mom started yelling at me again. Then she left, and Jonathan came back again, he started moving my bed and hit my desk so my monitor fell off onto the floor. And somehow he broke my camera I had gotten for my birthday. My mom said she'd replace it, but I don't count on that happening anytime soon. The screens all cracked like a cell phone screen when it gets cracked. Bt yea, he was moving my bed and started pulling my matteress off and I jumped up out of my bed and he grabbed my arm and tried pushing me towards the door and i like hit his face and he like threw me against my armoir or however it's spelled and then stated trying to push me out of my room again and I slipped and hit my head on the thing again and started crying cause my head hurt wiiiicked bad by then and yea. Then he left cause my mom started yelling saying he better not hurt me. She told him to in the first place it's just like with my dad she tells him to and then tries to fucking act innocent. Stupid fuckers. then Jonathan came back and he tried pulling me up by my arm and then my ankle again and I tried pushing him away with my foot and his leg and I wasn't kicking him but he said I was and started kicking my leg wicked hard and like 20 times and slammed me back again on the hinge of the door thingy on that thing I had already hit my head on. Ahh. I hate my family. My mom didn't even give a fuck. Then the people I thought were my best friends, they aren't even like talking to me anymore. I barely ever talk to Brittany anymore except for a bit at school. =\ then I keep annoying myself by thinking about things and then James talks to me and I act all bitchy and he never talks to me anymore anyways except when he actually does, it's always just at the perfect timing of me being in a bitchy mood, which sucks. I don't think he wants to be my friend anymore, barely talk to either of them. So neither of them do I guess. I'm all alone and I don't really care anymore. James is always playing computer games and lives halfway across the country, and Brittany never talks and says stuff about wanting to hang out and saying oh we should do such and such but then when I try to hang out with her she never wants to anymore. Oh well... Sorry I complain sooooo much. And I feel sick and like I'm going to puke. Ugh. And my head hurts alot and I hate always having headaches.

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..=\

Barely talk, doesn't matter. Over it by now. Used to it by now. Nice life for me? I think not. You, maybe so. Good night I guess. I have no life. No friends. Oh well. I'll die alone sooner or later, rather the sooner kinda because I'm bored with this stupid world and there's no point in me being here now. Good night again...

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Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Sorry, but I just despise this so much.

Whatever.. people can go fuck themselves. I hate my dad. I hate my sister. I hate my family. I hate how I complain so much cause I know it's fucking annoying. I just hate myself and just how I am I guess. I should just go die really...I hate my fucking stupidass pointless life. I hate my family. I hate pretty much everyone with the exception of a few people. I hate living...I hate this stupid gayass world. And I hate the people who either were or just pretended to be my friend. I hate how they get caught up in everything else and don't even pay attention to anything else anymore. If they widened their variety of things they did maybe they wouldn't supposedly have so many fucking damn issues. Sorry, but just people can fucking get over themselves. I know some things are reasonable to be like all whatever about but you know you're just going to have to deal with it and live your life as it just comes. you can't have everything your way all the time and you should just get used to that already. Deal with life and take what comes at you because who knows what else you could get. I hate so damn much how some people act like one thing then they change just like that at another moment. Say something then pretty much last minute type thing back out. Pretend to be something the're not and overreact on so many things, wow everyone has problems but they shouldn't be blown out of proportion so damn much. It kind of is like an attention recall, I hate that I'm saying that but why basically brag about something, usually that would be done for attention. Just honestly, I hate what people in this world have become mainly, because most of how people have changed it's not for the better part in my opinion... sorry.

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