Sunday, February 3, 2008

Saving a little bit of Sanity
Today I stopped and watched the distasteful snow drift onto the already white ground. How can I stand this? How had I come to accept that this is all that I had? This dismally elegant place that had a glazed smile on everything here. I cant stand it. But I do. Everyday I go to school here. Everyday I talk to the people here. Everyday I laugh along with other people here. But nothing feels right. My social skills have run down the drain. I cant even have a good conversation any more. I'm losing my sense with reality. Nothing’s right anymore. I'm not right. The only thing that I know is right is my church, and I don’t even feel at home there. I just want to go home. I know, I know; I don’t have one right now. Everything’s changed in California, and Utah has never been my home. I don’t know what I’m looking for. I find myself day dreaming constantly, and my work never seems to get done. I’m all ways talking about me, just like I am doing now; and I don’t listen enough. Its like since I never hang out with anyone its all ways about me whenever the chance comes because I cant find some one’s ears that want to listen; just ones that want to talk. And so, I listen. But my mouth wants to be free. I write and type but my hands have a bit too much freedom. They aren’t restricted by anything. They don’t wave to say hi, they don’t ever come in contact with any one else’s; they have nothing to worry about. No one hears them. No one hears what’s behind a mask because it’s the eyes that judge and then our ears. Right now, I’m just venting into cyberspace because if I vented in reality it wouldn’t make a difference. I’m here to help other people. That’s it right? To help. I’ve never seen death as an answer. Death is there, but it would be permanent. It isn’t the answer. But no one knows what the real answer is. They just have it. But I don’t even know what the problem is. What caused the pain was a question I have had ever since I had gotten the pain; for as long as I could remember, and even before that. Things like this don’t seem right. They aren’t right. What else is there? What makes things this way? People give solutions all the time and you know what? I have already been doing those things all this time and even though I have decided that I just wasn’t doing them well enough and had just tried harder, things were the same. They would always be the same. I could try and try and try and do better than any one else I knew existed but it would never help me. Some things were never going to change. Ever. What keeps us going? Helping people. It’s the best thing to do. To do things people wanted and needed me to do. That’s all. Some one had asked me to do it and here I am. Maybe things weren’t right but that was ok. No one has a good life anyways. So, just stop whining and get over it right? Right? Right. And even if the sun refuses to shine, even if it hurts, no matter what I’ll see that there is something good. I’ll find it. I will. And nothing is going to stop me. Right? I hardly exist, who is going to really even care? I hate going on and on and on like this, but right now, I think its my cure since I cant seem to find a different one.
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Monday, January 14, 2008

Well....
This time I'm just putting out a cookie, its something Komui said
"Don't Wallow In The Pain...Think...Only About Victory...!!!" - D.GreyMan ch 44
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Wednesday, January 9, 2008

...
Well, today I when to school and that was pretty much it.... got some math homework but thats easy and well... *sighs* Heres a cookie

"Time is a thief that gives more than any one could ever ask for."
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Monday, January 7, 2008

Fortune Returns....Kinda....
Well.... Aya is now going to be posting quite often and since she's Aya I will also be posting quite often and so I decided to put in whats pretty much happened and then find a Fortune Cookie out of it... or maybe just a something ^^'

My fingers are numb. First off, theres snow on the ground out side. A whole foot. I don't like it when its below 60 degrees out. This is absolute torture. *sighs* Theres that and then the fact that I got food poisoning on Friday and I had to stay home sick as a final recovery day. -_- *sighs* So, Narturaly I had to do some thing constructive and what was there to do? Practice. Scales. I. Hate. Scales. A-lot. -_- *sighs* But I got a few breaks and it was ok..... well.... for a cookie....

"When your heart is in a land of cold make it go sledding and drink hot chocolate until it's warm again."
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Saturday, December 8, 2007

The ranting / observations of a real life nobody.
I guess.... I'm just going to rant on this key board so some thoughts will have to stand still and stop[ spinning around in my head.

Whenever I see things from kind of a distance, like where the mountain ends and the sky starts? To me, both of them at that point look flat, and sometimes they just kind of just...stay that way. And then, I'll continue looking around and I'll see a bird fly by and some dust kick up ever time I put my foot down and then realize that that those things, they don't seem flat. My mind will wander some more and then realize that thoughts and people are alike in that sence of things. Some thoughts, no matter how close they are to non-subliminal comprehention still seem flat, either because they aren't very clear to you or you just don't like them, or, you simply know they just cant be true, and no matter how fun they are, they'll always just be in your head, or maybe down on paper, but never quite real. Then, there's people. They seem to be the people you see everyday, but they are only "seen" but your brain doesn't register anything but there existance. And even then, there are people who you see and hear talk every day but its always the same thing to you, they always wear the same expression and always talk about some how the same thing. And then that makes me realize, that they all have thoughts too. They have feelings and opinions too. I know I knew this before, but its still something I cant really comprehend. So, I kind of just, well, dwell on these things while not really thinking about them at all, but then, a thought comes and attacks me: Your the same to them. They see you as a person that isn't really comprehended or a person who just exists. But.... some how, having all these "people" that aren't even really seen or understood gives us all a place. A purpose. We all make a huge difference, even if we do nothing, want nothing, or achieve nothing. Something still makes us some one. I realize that that something would be ourselves. Isn't that funny? Once I got done with all this thinking, i realized that I was still staring at the mountain / sky point. It still looked flat. But, now it didn't feel flat. Not any more. Isn't life funny?
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~*~Result nr 10~*~ Your power is: Time Control Explanation: You have the ability to freeze, push forward or go back in time. In good purposes it is used to prevent bad deeds, and the opposite for evil purposes. As a person your emotional level has been on hold. For one reason or another emotions has reduced and now you aren't so full of life. And of course, this does not sadden you since you could care less. Sometimes though you can be hit by emotioal waves inside but you block it all out. You don't search for something that could make you happy since you have no hope in that area any longer. People probably see you as annoying because you're not involved and just stand there. You probably don't have that many friends either, and you feel like you are with them because that's what you normally do. You stick to your habits and don't appreciate changes. Negative aspects: One day all emotions are gonna surface again, and that day will be very painful. Instead it is more wise to start up the emotional level bit by bit, so it won't come as a big chock. What Power is Compatible With You? [beautiful anime pictures + 12 detailed results] brought to you by Quizilla

A nameless character, someone lost behind the mask, another type of main character...you are forgotten within yourself, lonely and yet trying to comfort others who are in pain as you. You seem to wear a mask so they cannot see you sad, so you wear the mask to lock away the true pain inside...but one day, you will be able to take off the mask, and live in the light... What Type Of Anime Character are you? brought to you by Quizilla

What Type of Person Are You? [pictures + detailed results] The wanderer - The lost The one who never has a place to belong. The outcast amongst people, Wanderers find life to be rather lonely. There is an empty feeling inside of them that they can't seem to get rid of. However, not all is pain for them. Despite what others might think, they are very much capable of being happy and sad. Due to the fact that Wanderers always feel misplaced -to some extent- some adjust to how others are, just to have a place to be. The others in this category tend to shy away from people, preferring their own company, certain that they don't fit in. Both categories however, do keep most of their personal thoughts inside. Wanderers tend to wish for a place where they are meant to be, resulting in a lot of daydreaming. Personality wise they are, in fact, dreamers. It doesn't mean they believe that they wish for will come true. Their inner world is simply better than this one. Most Wanderers try to find their special place, no matter if they are a passive-aggressive or a fearless individual. It is something they are drawn to do by nature. Wanderers are also found to be hard to truly satisfy. Nothing will ever be the way they would have preferred/wanted it to be, and they tend to be disappointed a lot. It is not that they are perfectionists, they simply want for something to feel "right". Because of this, they often second-guess things/actions/relationships. Low self-esteem is a high possibility, as they often doubt themselves. As their hole in their heart is constantly there, they may be prone for depression, as rarely anything is giving them true satisfaction. One day they may find their personal heaven, but it is important they are not too caught up in fantasies, or else they might pass by it blindly, missing it forever. Quote:"Illusion is the first of all pleasures." -Oscar Wilde Take this quiz! Quizilla | Join | Make A Quiz | More Quizzes | Grab Code