Saturday, May 22, 2010

   wut
Idk..I walked like a million miles the past 2 days, and Ive slept a LOT which prevented me from eating..
i used to hate breakfast, but now its my favourite meal of the day.
So I've had my breakfast, I'm having an orange right now for lunch, and Im gonna be done.
Just gonna have water and tea.
I hope.
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Saturday, May 15, 2010

Because I will.
This is my 'personal blog' to help track my struggles, and to hopefully keep me on track.
I'll do this little survey thing I'm about to post, like every month? I don't know..


Age: 18
Height: 5’4-5'5
Weight: siiigh..Guess I must. 160?
Dress Size: huge.
Highest Weight: like 170 something, what I can recall.
Lowest Weight (at height): uhhhm 160. I've grown a bit recently lol.
Goal Weight: ughh I would love to be at like 100 or 99 but is that even possible?
Favorite Diet Food: nothing, water, and a little fruit.
Favorite Binge Food: sweets
Favorite Exercise: walking or running
Favorite Thinspo: a lot..
Where Do You Slip Up: when I have a long day at school, when I'm just in school period (like not on break). Surprisingly I do amazing when I'm on break home alone all day.

When Did It Start?
Hating your body: For quite a while, like 5th grade and stuff but it got like, worse once I hit high school obviously, and I'm at my current low. And unfortunately, I only see myself getting worse :(
Restricting/counting: I used to always do it unintentionally, but I've been completely obsessed with food and calories since like the literal beginning of this year. Mind consumingly obsessed.
Does Anyone Know: uhm..I don't think so. But I've had food issues in the past that my teachers were aware of.
You Want Help: No. And yes. But usually no.

How Many Calories Do You Consume A Day: under 2000 ALWAYS, sometimes its 300, sometimes its 1000 =/
What Do You See When You Look In The Mirror: fucking disgusting, huuge, fatass, fatttass face, don't get me started..
Are You In A Relationship: no, I ended everything.
Are You Depressed: yes.
Ever Tried To Commit Suicide: yes.
Ever Been To A Psychologist: no.

I AM -
[ ] anorexic
[x] ednos
[ ] bulimic
[xI take them habitually] living off diet pills
[ ] hungry
[x] thirsty
[ ] drinking something
[ ] Under 100lbs
[x] starving yourself
[ ] participating in a fast


PEOPLE -
[ ] ask if I’m anorexic/bulimic
[ ] call me fat
[xWTF] say I’m skinny
[ ] say I’m ugly
[x] say I’m pretty
[ ] spread rumors about me
[x] force me to eat
[ ] say I eat too much
[x] wish I’d eat more
[x] don’t know I’m anorexic/bulimic

I WISH -
[xxxxxx] I was THIN
[x] I had a better body
[xxxxxxxxx] I didn’t have to eat
[xxxxxxxxxx] I could control myself
[x] I was under 110lbs
[x] I could avoid food
[x] I could hide what I am
[x] I wasn’t fat
[x] I was pretty
[ ] I could stop being ana/mia then maybe i would be a little more normal


I LOVE -
[x] feeling hungry
[x] seeing a difference when fasting
[x] shaking
[xxxx] being weak
[x] losing weight
[ ] being anorexic/bulimic
[x] green tea
[x] diet pills
[x] being able to turn down food
[x] feeling good about myself

APPEARANCE -
[ ] I am shorter than 5’4.
[x] I think I’m ugly sometimes.
[x] I have many scars.
[I'm naturally tan, I get really tan in beginning of school, and generally paler in the summer o.o] I tan easily.
[ ] I wish my hair was a different color.
[x] I have friends who have never seen my natural hair color.
[ ] I have a tattoo.
[x] I am self-conscious about my appearance.
[ ] I have/had braces.
[ ] I wear glasses.
[xxxx] I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free.
[x] I’ve been told I’m attractive by a complete stranger.
[x] I have more than 2 piercings.
[x] I have piercings in places besides my ears.
[ ] I have freckles.


FAMILY -
[x] I’ve sworn at my parents.
[x] I’ve run away from home.
[sorta] I’ve been kicked out of the house.
[ ] My biological parents are together.
[ ] I have a sibling less than one year old.
[x] I want to have kids someday.
[ ] I’ve had children.
[ ] I’ve lost a child.


EMBARRASSMENT -
[x] I’ve slipped out a “lol” in a spoken conversation.
[x] Disney movies still make me cry.
[ ] I’ve peed from laughing.
[ ] I’ve snorted while laughing.
[x] I’ve laughed so hard I’ve cried.
[x] I’ve glued my hand to something
[x] I’ve laughed till some kind of beverage came out of my nose.
[ ] I’ve had my trousers rip in public.

RELATIONSHIPS -
[x] I’m single
[ ] I’m in a relationship.
[ ] I’m married.
[ ] I’ve gone on a blind date.
[ ] I’ve been the dumpee more than the dumper.
[ ] I miss someone right now.
[ ] I have a fear of abandonment.
[ ] I’ve cheated in a relationship.
[ ] I’ve gotten divorced
[x] I’ve had feelings for someone who didn’t have them back.
[ ] I’ve told someone I loved them when I didn’t.
[ ] I’ve told someone I didn’t love them when I did.
[ ] I’ve kept something from a past relationship.

SEXUALITY -
[x] I’ve had a crush on someone of the same sex.
[ ] I’ve had a crush on a teacher.
[ ] I am a cuddler.
[ ] I’ve been kissed in the rain.
[x] I’ve hugged a stranger.
[ ] I have kissed a stranger.

HONESTY -
[x] I’ve done something I promised someone else I wouldn’t
[x] I’ve done something I promised myself I wouldn’t.
[I just go] I’ve snuck out of my house.
[ ] I have lied to my parents about where I am.
[x] I am keeping a secret from the world.
[ ] I’ve cheated while playing a game.
[ ] I’ve cheated on a test.
[ ] I’ve been suspended from school.


BAD TIMES -
[x] I’ve consumed alcohol.
[ ] I regularly drink.
[ ] I can’t swallow pills.
[xxxxxdouble that] I can swallow about 5 pills at a time no problem
[x] I have been diagnosed with clinical depression at some point.
[x] I shut others out when I’m upset.
[x] I take anti-depressants.
[x] I’m anorexic or bulimic or have EDNOS.
[x] I’ve slept an entire day when I didn’t need it.
[x] I’ve hurt myself on purpose.
[lightweight] I’m addicted to self harm.
[x] I’ve woken up crying
[x] I’ve lost weight
[x] I’ve gained weight
[x] My weight holds me back
[x] Weight consumes me.
[ ] I’m at my thinnest
[ ] I’m at my biggest
[x] I’ve lost weight and kept it off
[x] I’ve lost weight but gained it back
[x] My weight affects my mood
[I try to avoid to] I weigh myself daily
[x] I am jealous of everyone smaller than me
[good jobs make me feel better about myself] I thrive on compliments
[ ] I feel bigger than people who are my size
[x] I feel happy when I’m hungry
[xxx] I get depressed after I eat
[x] I’ve skipped a meal
[x] I’ve thrown food away
[x] I’ve spat food out
[x] I’ve fasted
[x] I’ve taken diet pills
[x]I’ve used laxatives
[ ] I’ve purged
[too busy >.<] I exercise
[ ] I exercise so I can eat
[ ] I work out secretly
[ ] I work out daily
[ ] I exercise to counteract eating
[x] I’ve fainted from exhaustion

I’VE DONE -
[x] Weed
[x] Cigarettes
[x] Alcohol
[x] Diet pills
[x] Pain killers
[x] Anti-depressants
[ ] Ecstasy
[ ] LSD
[ ] Mushrooms
[ ] Speed
[ ] Cocaine
[ ] Other
[x] I keep my eating habits a secret
[x] I have a diet blog
[x] I look at thinspo
[x] I collect thinspo
[x] I’m doing this for me
[] I’m doing this for someone
[x] I’m doing this to prove myself


Now let me explain things. I do a shitload for school. Various programs and clubs and all that. And I get ZERO recognition most of the time. But there are those rare moments when someone tells me how much they appreciate me..and my problems go away. Today was my senior rally. I worked hard for it. At the end, I was with a group of friends. These friends are AMAZING. The realest and most fantastic people you could ever meet. We were crying, and one of them says to me,
"The school would be nothing without you."
Just the fact that she recognized all my work..
idk, it really got to me. And I was happy. I didn't think about food, or calories, or what I WASN'T going to eat that day. I thought about how happy I was to have friends like her in my life.
So maybe my problem stems from feeling unworthy? Maybe if I had opted to be a more 'average' student, none of this would have happened to me?

I guess we'll never find out...
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Thursday, June 14, 2007

   wow
I am a bad person.
I realized that I am the most unlucky in love girl ever. Yea, I fall for a lot of guys. The thing that sucks?
Every guy I do fall for is, how do I say, an ASS? a JERK?
They all only care about one thing. I'll let you figure it out.
And if theyre not a jerk?
Then they have a GF.
And they are TOTALLY SPRUNG.
wtf?
i only attract pervs & wusses???

and this...
When i fall for a guy hard, i like to give him whatever he wants.
Unfortunately, all the guys i Fall For Hard are the jerks.
I just end up getting groped & used & then i go & laugh & smile & hang on to them cuz im "so happy" then i go home & i cry at night & i cause harm every noe & then because i think that im doing the wrong thing. I punish myself. i dont wanna sound like im a slut, or like i cause physical harm to myself cuz i dont & im not.
I guess i get it in my head that becaus eof all this, guys are going to always see me as what i am right now, & no ones ever gonna really care.
Ive never had one of those gusy telling me im beautiful. instead i have them telling me i have nice tits & asking to grab me.

im sorry.
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Thursday, November 24, 2005

   TURKEY DAY!!!!!
wowers, i havent posted in a whole month.....wow,im a total bitch.I made the list---Stagg clearly won,but now im having 2nd thoughts.I told myself i was gonna focus on school not boys in high school....i contacted this hella cool girl,name's Merissa.She's my idol!!! nah playin,but she's really cool & super sweet.She said Stagg is a really good school,but theere isnt a lot of peole like her.I cant tell her type.she seema kinda like me----likes all different types of music,makes up words,can seem dumb at times(she's blond & lovin it),ya knoe,pretty much like me....i dont think i show that side of me a lot on MyO. well i dunno....Kirstin is movin on the 17 or 18th....so saddddddd!!!!!! and Paris & i are growing apart,but then we'll get closer again!!!! she might move eventually back to san jose.....
what am i to do???
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Tuesday, November 1, 2005

   Bulimic.Bulimic.Bulimic.Bulimic
....So are we breaking up??....
yesterday,Marybel called & asked if i was going.I said for a couple of houses so she said she was juss gonna go with her sister.Um,okay...
So i went with Tati,Fiana,My sis,& my brother.Tati was so cute--she comes to our house & i go to the stairs to see her & she says "super kawaii!" hehehe.so yea,halloween sucked.I got like no candy(skipped most of the houses)hardly any houses were celebrating & there were NO people.So we went home at 7:00 >:
Wow.I gave out candy for the rest of the nite.These guys i think they go to my school thought i was....well here's what people THOUGHT i was:
A cheerleader
A POKEMON TRAINER
Sailor Moon
And this one lil kid knew i was Kagome!!!! yay fer him!! his names RJ.
OMG....im heartbroken.Bert McCracken has a fiance.And thats just fucked up cuz his last GF died with his KID from an OVERDOSE & he even wrote a super sad song about her & now he's freakin engaged?? come on! he's 24(in my opinion too young)I'll be legal in 4 short years!!!lol.Ya know my goal is to meet him in the next 5 or so years.And i guarantee it i will.I mean even if i had to do that 'flash the roadies' thing.I know that makes me seem like a slut,but im just really passionate about my feelings & beliefs :)Yea,my dream....to meet MCR & The Used.....And I definitely WILL make a pros & cons list (thanks a bunch!) dunno why i never thought of that.....
'Goodbye to you,youre takin up my time...'
-----dont worry,thats not to u guys,its to my 'friends'
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Monday, October 31, 2005

   Happy Hallowe'en to ya All!!!!
Mood: a bit confuzzled....dtill don knoe if im gonna 'trick or treat'

music:Astro Zombies by MCR/The Misfits & my humps by Black eyed Peas.....kinda a weird combo,but its stuck in my head!!!

So anyhow....what am i gonna do today??? im gonna be Kagome,Tati's gonna be a Harajuku girl,my sis is gonna be a Gothic Prom Queen,Eli's gonna be a purple dragon & Marybel's gonna be a what???!!! a freakin BUNNY??? we already discussed this at school when watshername said she ws gonna be a bunny--8th grade is a lil bit young to be scantily-clad on Halloween night.....especially when most of the girls in 8th grade dont even have anything to fill it out!!! p.s. im not one of em! And i asked her if she was gonna go out with us & she said 'i dunno,i might be in Mexico...' OKAY....thats odd.If she does come she better not be the Mean Girls type of 'Bunny'
I mean me & her LOOK UP TO THAT MOVIE!!!! everything we say is a quote from that movie! That movie is our GOD!!! She was kinda upset at me that i didnt got to Stasha's halloween party,but 1)i hate parties 2)last time i went to a party at stasha's house,we stayed in her room without her,with alex,melissa(who were ALL OVER EACH OTHER) & Alex's no offense but Lezbo sister!!! so that was kinda odd....People are acting weird lately.....everyone's changing.I feel like the world is spinning around around me & im just sitting there with my head in my knees.Thats how i spend lunch ya know? either that or drawing or talking to Kirstin about retarded stuff,things i would never tell anyone else,or funny things about our past.It sucks....I realize Kirstin is like my only REAL friend.She's the only one that can make me smile,she's the only one thats always there...what am i gonna do when she moves?? Last year,right before school got out when the 8th graders would be gone forever,i just broke down.And i wouldnt talk to anyone.Then i asked Kirstin to come with me & she made me feel better.All Marybel did was go tell my sister i was crying & FYI,my sister is the LAST person i want to let know i was bawling at school for 'no reason' which in fact,there was reason---i was afraid of change.

Ya know what im upset about right now?? ya know what i wanted before halloween? to watch Hangman's Curse.Thats what i wanted.Thats what we did last year & it was the best halloween ever.There was just that feel good feeling,ya know? like when ur in love....it lasted until the end of the year,cuz after that,i was letting go of some things & gaining new things.even tho i think i was going thru depression,i would run away from it all by goin to the mall with Tati & fiana,or juss goin to their house.One day we went to go Christmas shopping & we ran into these punk guys.i was like 'eeew' at first but then i cant even describe the feeling after that.It was sooo wonderful....i had seen these guys before.And now im in love with one of them.i have been since that day.I remember,like a couple days after that,me,my sis,tati & fiana were in our loft,reanacting the video for 'im not okay' my theme song at the time, & watching The Crow.....memories i'll never let go
and will cherish forever.....haha that was corny,but still true!

on a couple of side notes....i cant wait for HARRY POTTER!!!! ive been waiting for this since 3rd grade!!! every time the commercial comes on i almost cry!!!!! were gonna see it opening day.YOU GUYS HAVE NO IDEA HOW EXCITED I AM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! another thing,do you guys watch Lost?? who do ya think is gonna die??? i think its gonna Be Kate,Michelle Rodriguez or the chick with the baby.I WANT it to be Kate or Michelle Rodriguez cuz i dont like Kate & Michelle hurt SAWYER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NO HURT SAWYER!!!!! i dont want it to be chick wit baby cuz 1) she has a baby! & 2) CHARLIE!!!!! WHO'S GONNA TAKE CARE OF HIM???!! I WILL!!! I'LL TAKE CARE OF CHARLIE!!!

p.s. please take a looky at my last post,i still need ur opinions....
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Tuesday, October 25, 2005

   PLEEEZE!!!! I NEED UR HELPS!!!
oh dudes,how did i get myself into this mess?? here's the thing....i have to choose a high school soon,yea? i wanna go to Stagg cuz Nick,my crush who i havent met is prolly gonna go there & my friend who i can tell anything is going too(she's an artist like me)
But my good friend & neighbor wants me to go to WRH with her & all my other friends!! she's a freshman right now...and the reason i might go there (besides friends) is cuz there's this boy ive liked since 5th grade & i was heartbroken when i switched schools!!! he's a freshman right now,he's from Russia & he's a skater/boarder/wakeboarder,snowboarder all that stuff!! and on his myspace it says under music My Chemical Romance,The Used,Nirvana & more bands i like!!!!! he's freakin perfect fer me since i love the russian guys & all(and girls actually...)what am i to do??????????? oh yea,visit Yuicchi & Chibi-Midori please....those are my other sites that im gonna use for fanart eventually...please help me guys!! give me ur oppinions!!!
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Saturday, October 8, 2005

   Whoooo-Hooooo!!!
yay!! The concert!!! when MCR went up i started screamin my ass off.I was literally like 5 feet away from gerard!!!!! No lies!!! Then i started to cry.Me & sis got split from Paris & people were pushin me away so i grabbed my sis & left.once outta the mosh i saw what i had done & started bawlin my eyes out.So i was all 'we have to do back!!! please,i have to see him!!! Gerard!!!!' & people were like 'are you okay?' and stuff & they were bein hella nice to me & letting me pass!!!! so if ever at a concert,and you want super close seats,cry ur ass off!!!! i got some killer ass pics too!!!! maybe if i can i will put them up.okay,i had super fun.too tired to say more.BYE!!!!
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Saturday, October 1, 2005

   me so silly
oh! i mustve posted about nick somewhere else!! im goin to a MCR concert tommorow wit my best friend & a lot of other people! ROCK ON!!! im deletin all my pics cuz theyre not showing...Nick might be my REAL crush,but my new celebrity crush is Dominic Monaghan!!!!!
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Saturday, August 20, 2005

   Heeyyy Duuudesss!
oh the quizzieeee...it was in my lil sis's quizfest magazine...heheheee....Sushi is yummie yuu weirdos!! Yay for 8th graders!!! I know Kirstin is my friend,but i had to tell her off today she was gettin on me & Queenie's nerves...on sunday i might go to the mall with Krazee Amanda & Jessica!! aka my anime buddies!!! Amanda is obsessed with Sesshomaru! its so funny...well...did i ever tell you all how im in luv with Nick...??tommorow im goin to Marybel's baby bro's 1st bday!!!
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