Tuesday, July 19, 2005

I'm cutting now trying to picture your black, broken heart..

It's sad when something happens between two people, like a relationship, and they enjoy it to the fullest, but when it's over, they act like nothing ever happened.Do you know what it's like to feel like someone wants to forget you? You feel worthless, forgetable, useless.

And months after it's over, you see something they said..someone asking them if they'e ever been in love and they say no, even though you've had so long to forget, it still hurts to hear that you've been compeltly erased from their mind.

But I mean it was just a sad thought.
Not like I know what that feels like..
....


you almost always pick the best times
to drop the worst lines
you almost made me cry again this time
another false alarm
red flashing lights
well this time I'm not going to watch myself die
I think I made it a game to play your game
and let myself cry
I buried myself alive on the inside
so I could shut you out
and let you go away for a long time

I guess it's ok I puked the day away
I guess it's better you trapped yourself in your own way
and if you want me back
you're gonna have to ask

I think the chain broke away
and I felt it the day that I had my own time
I took advantage of myself and felt fine
but it was worth the night
I caught an early flight and I made it home

I guess it's ok I puked the day away
I guess it's better you trapped yourself in your own way
and if you want me back
you're gonna have to ask
nicer than that

with my foot on your neck
I finally have you
right where I want you

I guess it's ok I puked the day away
I guess it's better you trapped yourself in your own way
and if you want me back
you're gonna have to ask
nicer than that
nicer than that
and if you want me back
you're gonna have to ask
nicer than that




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Sunday, July 17, 2005

It's not love, you know I'm not in love..
It is 3:13 in the morning...
I cannot sleep...
My eyes burn..
MY head aches...
My stomach is churning...
But I cannot fucking fall asleep...
Maybe it was the three sodas I had..
When I was lying on my bed in the dark...
Listening to some pretty slow music...
And evaluating my life...
Sickened as always with it..
Maybe it is the instant message flashing on my screen...
That I recieved hours ago...
When the night was young...
That makes me wish I could take every knife in the household...
And bleed myself dry...
Maybe I should exit it out of it...
But would he know?...
Know that I erased his screenwritten words...
And never responded...
With no intentions of letting him know..
I ever recieved the message...
His words burn through me like a thousand cigarette butts..
Burning through my flesh...
The smell is sickening...
And my stomach is flopping...
I hate it...
Hate it...
Why couldn't he have just left me alone?...
Like all those times before..
When he disappeared for months...
Without a word...
'I need to know you're alive...why won't you talk to me anymore?'...
Thta's what is flashing...
On my screen...
And I wish I could throw this monitor out the window...
And never pick up the broken glas shards...
Watch it burn down the whole city...
I would like that...
But I won't do it...
Never would I do that...
Just lie for hours..
With tiny water beads running down from my crystaline aquamarine eyes...
(Tears, they call them?)...
Listening to the soft music that always calms me down...
And wait in silence...
For something that will never happen...

Hello.
Is there anybody in there?
Just nod if you can hear me.
Is there anyone home?

Come on, now.
I hear you’re feeling down.
Well I can ease your pain,
Get you on your feet again.

Relax.
I need some information first.
Just the basic facts:
Can you show me where it hurts?

There is no pain, you are receding.
A distant ship’s smoke on the horizon.
You are only coming through in waves.
Your lips move but I can’t hear what you’re sayin’.
When I was a child I had a fever.
My hands felt just like two balloons.
Now I got that feeling once again.
I can’t explain, you would not understand.
This is not how I am.
I have become comfortably numb.

Ok.
Just a little pinprick.
There’ll be no more --aaaaaahhhhh!
But you may feel a little sick.

Can you stand up?
I do believe it’s working. good.
That’ll keep you going for the show.
Come on it’s time to go.

There is no pain, you are receding.
A distant ship’s smoke on the horizon.
You are only coming through in waves.
Your lips move but I can’t hear what you’re sayin’.
When I was a child I caught a fleeting glimpse,
Out of the corner of my eye.
I turned to look but it was gone.
I cannot put my finger on it now.
The child is grown, the dream is gone.
I have become comfortably numb.





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Friday, July 15, 2005

Blood in my mouth is better than blood on the ground...
I was feeling pretty crappy the day after I got back...
It was horrible...
So...
I went out and got the top cartilage of my left ear pierced twice...
It looks pretty wicked...
My friend Robert got me Mudvayne's CD Lost & Found and I also got The Used (In Love and Death)...
I added a few new things to my profile...
Hope ya like...
I leave you with some lyrics...

You could see me reaching
So why couldn't you have
Met me halfway
You could see me bleeding
But you could not put
Pressure on the wound
You only think about yourself
You only think about yourself
You'd better bend before I go
On the first train to Mexico

You could see me breathing
But you still kept
Your hand over my mouth
You could feel me seething
But you just turned
Your nose up in the air

You only think about yourself
You only think about yourself
You'd better bend before I go
On the first train to Mexico

You only think about yourself
You only think about yourself
You'd better bend before I go
On the first train to Mexico



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Wednesday, July 13, 2005

Just tell me it's okay to die...
There is so much I could say...
So much I should say...
So much to do...
And so much I won't...
I'm back...
Or am I?...
I think I left myself...
Back in Conneticut...
Sitting down in the basement with my Uncle...
Talking for hours on end...
Laughing...
Laughter...
I remember it now...
He gave me some CDs...
And some other things...
Like self confidence...
But I left it with him...
And I cannot have it back...
I sat alone today...
With people all around me...
And felt so terribly lonely...
That it hurt...
So I tried to stop thinking....
It did not help...
Nor did my music...
Because it almost made me cry..
When all I could hear....
Echoing in my ears...
Was...
'I wish you were here'...
And I thought of him...
But mostly of Him...
Who is much more important...
To me...
I miss Him...
Then another sat..
Right in front of me..
And I wrote this...
To stop from busting out...
In tears...

I watched him as his eyes flickered around the room before they fell upon me...His gaze was warm as it locked on mine and my body went numb as I stared back...When his friend saw me staring he began to look at me his filthy eyes burning through my top...Wanting to throw my arms across my chest I looked away as all the blood in my body rushed straight to my cheeks...As he stood his friend snickered and I felt cheap but his eyes were still warm as they said a silent goodbye...

My eyes burn...
My Cd is starting over...
The last song...
Echoing in my head...
Only to replace...
The one before..
That makes me think...
Of nothing but Him...

I’m floating down a river
Oars freed from their homes long ago
Lying face up on the floor
Of my vessel
I marvel at the stars
And feel my heart overflow
Further down the river
Two weeks without my lover
I’m in this boat alone
Floating down a river named emotion
Will I make it back to shore?
Or drift into the unknown
Further down the river
I’m building an antenna
Transmissions will be sent
When I am through
Maybe we can meet again
Further down the river
And share what we both discovered
Then revel in the view
Further down the river
Im floating down a river

My eyes...
Want to close...
But reluctantly...
Refuse to agree...
Because I miss Him...
And everything else...
Where has it all gone?...
I find it hard...
To discover happiness in my life...
Ever....
I am so abnormal...
It scares me...
To death...
You saw me reaching...
Why couldn't you meet me half way?...
You saw me bleeding...
Why couldn't you put pressure on the wound?...






ps: please check out my 3 new fan art and comment...
thank you...
in advance...
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Friday, July 1, 2005

   I want you to watch as everything I love dies.
Here is a short post telling everyone I'm not dead and sorry if I haven't visited. I can't use IM, only e-mail.
And here is a song I love for a reason you all shall never know..:

You make me feel like I’m a whore
Like I’m the one who’s there to bore you now
It’s always gonna be this way
Get the fuck away

‘Cause I can’t seem to show you what you wanna see
I can never give you anything you need
I’m sick of wasting time on what can never be
I cannot control you into wanting me

You always wanna steal the light
By stepping on the ones who fight for you
It’s always gonna be the same
Get the fuck away

‘Cause I can’t seem to show you what you wanna see
I can never give you anything you need
I’m sick of wasting time on what can never be
I cannot control you into wanting me

I hate what you are
I’ll break you and leave you scarred
I hate what you are
I’ll break you and leave you scarred
I hate what you are

‘Cause I can’t seem to show you what you wanna see
I can never give you anything you need
I’m sick of wasting time on what can never be
I cannot control you into wanting me now

Into wanting me now
Into wanting me now
Into wanting me now
Into wanting me


*~Serena~*
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Tuesday, June 28, 2005

Pick the scabs and pick the bleeding...
Hey everyone! I've ben gone for what, not even 24 hours? I made my cousin let me use his pc..I'm sucha nice older cousin.Last night we..:
1)discovered the camera
2)took pics of Joey with those pet lint roller papers all over his face
3)I got my tongue stuck to the metal pole in the freezer and left all the taste buds on the tip of my tongue there
4)got an embarassing video of me snorting Poland Springs water up my nose
5)broke the fan because Joey threw too many Pringles in it
6)called up his friend Austin and talked to him for awhile(he thought I was a freak XD)
7)called up my friend Emily and now they want to hook up
and...
8)Watched Story of the Year on Fuse for 2 hours straight

not much more to say, guess I'll get going.But remember...
Beef jerky and whipped cream do NOT taste good together.

So deep, that it didn't even bleed..

*~Serena~*
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Monday, June 27, 2005

I never thought when you cut me in two that I would bleed..



As you all probably know, I leave today for CT, I’m going to miss everyone terribly, but hopefully my cousin will lemme borrow his pc. So, I wanted to share something with you guys. This song here is my favorite song of all time; I love it even more than Iris. So, for everyone that’s ever asked me what my favorite song is, here ya go....

::Vermilion Part 2::

She seemed dressed in all of me
Stretched across my shame
All the torment and the pain
Leaked through and covered me
I'd do anything to have her to myself
Just to have her for myself
Now I don't know what to do
I don't know what to do
When she makes me sad

She is everything to me
The unrequited dream
A song that no one sings
The unattainable
She's a myth that I have to believe in
All I need to make it real is one more reason

I don't know what to do
I don't know what to do
When she makes me sad

But I won't let this build up inside of me

I catch in my throat
Choke
Torn into pieces
I won't - no
I don't wanna be this

But I won't let this build up inside of me

She isn't real
I can't make her real

Yesterday, I was putting away dishes and I leaned up on the counter to put away a glass and rested my wrist on the counter to push myself up, being as short as I am. Unfortunately, there was a knife there. It bled pretty badly, but thankfully I don’t need stitches, I should be good. But then, my dad was at the back door smoking, looking outside and he called me over to show me something. So I got up and walked over and he turned around and hit me right in the lip with the cap of his unopened beer bottle. So, now I have a split upper lip along with a slit wrist. Plus, I’m sick, so it doesn’t help one bit...
Well, I really have to go now.*hugs everyone tightly*



tty whenever the next time I come in contact with a computer is,,,



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Sunday, June 26, 2005

Is it in your blood to betray the ones you love?


The new music video is indeed All That I've Got by The Used.It was Fucking Determined by Mudvayne, but, obviously, I changed it.

I will forgive but I won't forget..

Today I got Papa Roach's CD, Getting Away With Murder.I think it's kickass, plus my cousin has been wanting it for awhile, so Im gonna burn him a copy and give it to him when I get up to CT tomorrow.

Take me and let me in, Don't break me and shut me out...

I watched Finding Neverland a couple hours ago, after I watched the newest version of Where The Red Fern Grows. F.N was awesome because of Jonny Depp. And W.T.R.F.G was awesome because..well..it made me cry, I guess. The book makes me bawl my eyes out. Pathetic, I know.

As days go by, my heart grows cold...

My friend Cat called me up today and wanted me to come down to her house so I could pick up some of my manga I let her borrow.She lives down at the end of the street and it wasn't raining at the time, just all grey and hazy.So I agreed and left the house.As soon as I started walking it began pouring.And the weirdest thing crossed my mind. For the first time in a long time, I felt like the only person alive.The clattering jingle od the loose stop sign across the street, a single plastic cup capering about the ground in the wind..it was so serene and perfect.I wished that moment would have lasted forever.But, I couldn't stand out on the street in the rain forever...

It is impossible to never tell the truth..

Well, I'm rambling and I really should start packing.I leave around 8:30 tomorrow morning and will be gone for two whole weeks

When the sun goes down, you're my only friend, I think that I am starting to see, I have become everything I never wanted to be, I'm really gettin sick of myself, Cause when I look in the mirror, I see someone else..

Here are some personally edited pics..

::Before::


::After::


::Papa Roach(also mine X3)::


::Mudvayne::


oh, and btw...
It is in your blood to betray the ones you love..




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Saturday, June 25, 2005

   ...
I tried to be perfect,But nothing was worth it,I don’t believe it makes me real,I thought it’d be easy,But no one believes me,I meant all the things I said,If you believe it’s in my soul,I’d say all the words that I know,Just to see if it would show,That I’m trying to let you know,That I’m better off on my own...




The last day was fun, but sad as well.I was tackled by all of the guys before I left and practically squished beneath them.T.c gave me his camp shirt, informing us all that he did not wash it a single time this week just so he could give me a sweaty disgusting shirt..but it smells good..
I can't believe I leave for CT on monday.I'm gonna miss everyone (especially you, Mizu and Damien T___T)but, like I said, I should be able to check my email and stuff.
Not much more to say really...
so, ttyl!



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Friday, June 24, 2005

   These are my thoughts written down on paper, it's my only savior..

So, I did a little bit of stuff to my site..you guys like?Mizu-chan helped me so much*huggles*Thanks Sis.
So,yesterday we did indeed shave Brad's legs..It was so funneh! XD And at the pool,there were these guys bothering me, trying to pick me up or something and all my guys came over to my rescue.They looked at the guys and said 'Are you guys messing with our girl?' and they said 'Your girl?' and they all nodded and I just kind a hung back, not saying anything..T.C lifted up his shirt where he had written 'Lis is sexy' on his stomach and pointed to it. 'See that? She's ours.Plus, can't you guys see the big sign on her forehead that says 'FUCK OFF?'..The guys kinda gave us all that 'you guys are absolute freaks' look and left.I hugged T.C and said 'you guys are my heroes' So, yep, I love all my guys...It really sucks that today is our last day..I'm in the middle of an RP with Mizu-chan and will update more tomorrow.
*huggles everyone*




Your wise quote is: "Reality bites with a
variety of sizes of teeth"(-Tony Follari)
As a person, you think life is just plain
painful, horrible and everything else you don't
like. Happy people confuse you. Alot. I mean,
why are they so happy anyway? You are depressed
and perhaps utterly alone and live life rather
montone. You feel there is no reason to really
be here and feel helpless.


What wise quote fits you?(pics) UPDATED
brought to you by Quizilla




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