Tuesday, June 5, 2007

why do i keep running to adam when he hurts me so?
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Saturday, June 2, 2007

he picked to be friends... you know how much that hurts me... he doesn't know what he wants to do... what the fuck am i gong to do? i've tried talking to him... wont work.... im so lost... so confused...i hate myself... i want to be with adam... fuck! i give up...
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Wednesday, May 30, 2007

my choice


Don't hate me people.
I can't help how I feel.



Adam


Thanks mostly to mysterious rei for helping me!!! and everyone else.
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You want to know why I feel like this... I can't give you an answer... i'm to fucked up to know... I want to know who i love... its hard... do I love Adam... or Jarret? am I just fucking up a good thing or not....

what do I do? I want to tell him but i cant. its so hard... im supposed to see adam soon to give him something... I want to be able to know if i can say yes to him or no... waht the fuck do i do?
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Sunday, May 27, 2007

smiles are gone
replaced with tears
light replaced with darkness
Lost in her mind of confusing
Not knowning what to do
Not knowning whom to love
So Confused...
So Lost
Wanting help but never
Getting it.
Wanting people to understand..
But they never do.
All Alone.
Lost in her mind of confusing
Wishing he will grow up and be
With her..
Wishing many things to happen...
Smiles are gone
replaced with tears...

Sorry I haven't posted in a while. I've been going through lots of stuff right now and I want to just be alone but at the same time I want to be with someone. I'm still with my boyfriend Jarret...And I'm not pregnant... that's good. But I realized... I have to leave my boyfriend...Why you may ask...Cause I'm a slut... I keep doing this... I keep cheating! I dont mean to... ah fuck it. I'm not going to say that. I meant to cheat... but i didn't... no one will understand me... like I knew what i was doing bad...but I couldn't help myself...not when i'm already Adam... Adam is like a drug for me... I can't get enough of him... What the fuck should I do??!! Please god for fuck sakes someone help me! i'm crying here...as I am at my friends place...with my boyfriend sleeping on the bed near me...and I went out and cheated on him!!! omg!!! im a fucking slut!! Amber, Logan, and everyone else shouldn't like me! they should hate me! I am nice...but I cheat! I dont mean to but as i said ADam is like a fucking drug to me. I cant get enough of him. every time I see him, I always do stuff... why?! I am bad... Well I won't be on much for a while again... I need to figure some stuff out... but please do help me... For once I'm asking for help...and I really need it!...

Lost In My Own Little World Of War/Darkness

sincely,

Blood-Goth-Lover
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Thursday, May 24, 2007

   WAs so happy with you.. till this happened... now so confused... dont understand what is going on... I am so sad... please help me... why won't anyone care about me?... i'm so confused... I was happy... now im not... why does this always happen to me... you made me so happy... now you make me so sad...so confused... dont want to be anywhere... dont want to be here anymore... why do i hate you... why do I love you...

What should I do?....
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why Don't you understand that I hate you... why won't you understand that i want to be with you tho! AH fuck you!
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Wednesday, May 23, 2007

I hate you... leave me alone
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Thursday, May 17, 2007

Making Plans...
I have been making plans for what I am going to do for this long weekend. On Friday I am going to have a fire at Assiniboine Park. Near my boyfriends place, with him, my friend Kendra, Stephanie, her boyfriend, Kayla, Tasha, my brother Alex, and Me. Maybe some of his friends too. I am bringing the 2.6 of vodka that we got last weekend to the little get together. Kendra is going to get her boyfriend to buy her some stuff also. And she is also going to get some coke. I know I shouldn’t be doing it. But I want to try it once again, and I will only be doing it with her. And we will make sure that only we know about it. And yeah... I might end up spending the whole weekend at my friends Steph’s house. So that’s all good. But I might end up babysitting for Dawn-Marie. She said that my boyfriend could come and baby-sit too if he wanted to see me. I don’t know. But yeah. Then I am going to work my ass off finishing all the work that I have to do. Maybe hang out with Kendra again over the long weekend. Not sure. I don’t have school on Friday so I will be just sleeping in then going to my old school where Kendra goes to. And make plans to meet her. I am supposed to get a phone call from my boyfriend tonight to find out when we are supposed to meet up on Friday. All I know it has to be after 5pm cause that’s when Kendra gets out of detention or whatever. But yeah.. I can’t wait for this weekend. It’s going to be so much fun cause yeah... gets to hang out with my friends doing a little drugs … lmao I know you think I shouldn’t do it. But I won’t do it a lot. I will just do it on Friday and that’s all so don’t worry.

Well I finally got a message back from Adam… He said he has a lot of shit going on in his life that he won’t be able to talk to me for a while. And that he isn’t ready to be a father yet because he knows he will suck at it. I said that was fine. I would tell him if I am in 2 weeks or so. Like on Monday if I don’t get my period or what not. I know I’m pregnant… so I said wait 2 weeks and we shall tell… I just want to know what Jarret will think of it… I know he will be sad… he will be mad… he will probably even hate me. But I can’t help what I did. I could have not had sex with him, but I did. So I am sorry for that… I just hope if I am that Adam will realize that he will be a father in 9 months and that he should start to act like one… Like I know his life is pretty hard for him right now. But I mean if he started to act like one then maybe he will get out of debt and shit… I don’t know…

Well I better get to my class. Can’t wait for tomorrow!!! Well See you guys all later… going to my old school tomorrow so I won’t be online… bye!

Lost In My Own Little World Of War

Sincely,

Blood-Goth-Lover

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Tuesday, May 15, 2007

   you confuse me... i confuse myself.. I hate you adam... why the hell wont you talk to me! its fucking important that we talk... i need to talk to you! god you make me soo mad! i want to hit you! i want to punch you! but at the same time I want to kiss you i want to hug you.. I want to understand that the hell is going through your mind. why wont you tell me... why wont you talk to me! the fact i might be pregnant with your child doesnt seme to get to your head... yes i cheated on jarret no big news...if im pregnant im leaving jarret i cant do that tho cause i love him to much but im so confused

BLOODLY HELL ADAM I FUCKING HATE YOU SO MUCH THAT I LOVE YOU TO DEATH!!

you make me soo mad! why the hell wont you talk to me!? why the hell wont you even send me a message back... im so fucking pissed right now.. i have to fucking do my exam today too... the one i missed in january...

fucking hell! im going to go before i like throw something!

Lost In My Own Little World Of War

sincely,

Blood-Goth-Lover
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