Tuesday, May 15, 2007

so confused on waht to do
hating adam so much right now... so lost so confused... my tummy feels weird... i might spend the weekend at my friends house... i might have a fire with my friend and my boyfriend... so lost so confused... whats the point in love?
I love Jarret, but I like another...
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Monday, May 14, 2007

I like another... but he lives to far away. and all we can be is best friends...^_^

Like i dont like him as much as Jarret, but yeah. lol
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Long weekend....
I had done so much stuff this weekend... Jarret slept over all weekend ^_^. That made me happy...till we went to his place. Then he got bitched at for being at my house for to long. I got my new shoes! Their soo cool! I would take a picture and show you guys but I don't have a cam.. lol anyways.. then we went back to my place, went and had a fire with Tasha, Alex and Kayla. Me and Jarret broke up for like half an hour just to get kayla to kiss him. lol and I was dancing around the fire saying "ooh I'm single again, go me go me." lol it was funny then we went back home. me and jarret went to bed and then woke up at 10:30. then he left at 11:20 cause he had to be home...stupid parents of his always making him do stuff while they just sit around doing shit all.. anyways then i got bitched at for making Kayla kiss Jarret! when really we were joking and she didn't have to. And it's not like she didn't fucking like it! she went in for a third kiss! like fucking hell...anyways now i'm at school. i missed my bio and math class cause I was like all dead this morning cause I was up till like 5:30 and shit... but yeah... i had my shower so that was good. lol... well I am going to go now.. need to do work cause i'm failing everything pretty much and yeah... lol I need to at least pass some stuff this year... and I might drop out next year not sure... and dont bitch at me for doing that its cause i cant handle some shit right now and if i am pregnant I dont care i will drop out have the kid and then slowly maybe go back to school... God I need to talk to Adam... does he hate me now?... oh well... bye

Lost In My Own Little World Of War

Sincely,

Blood-Goth-Lover
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Friday, May 11, 2007

Hello again everyone, how are you today? i am fine just waiting for my last class of the day... dont know what i should do after. if i should go to see my nephew or if i should go get shoes or if i should just go home and work on some of my homework before Jarret comes over.. i'll pick one once my last class is over... lol so yeah...

i'm tired of worrying about what adam thinks so i told him on msn that he can just talk to me when he bloodly wants to, since he freaking knows my number and everything but yeah...i've been listening to more of my demons and wizards cd then anything... i dont know why but i dont seem to care about anything else...

everything seems to go by in a blur, I dont understand anything anyone is telling me... i dont see nothing. I dont hear nothing but the voices (yes I hear voices in my head) never understand what they are saying... just wanting to get away... wanting to go someplace where people care abut me... but where is that... im so lost... please someone help me... i dont know what i am doing..

cutting has no point in my life right now... im laughing that i used to do it. but i learned not to do that anymore. i dont know what to say anymore... im so lost so confused. i just want to keep typing. but you will all get bored of reading this and it will make you confused... cause what i am saying no one will understand cause my mind is going craxy thinking so much things all at once...why cant i just shut it off for one day? why cant i just go away and never come back. would anyone care? would he carE? would my mother care? would my Father care? I highly doubt my father would care cause he doesnt care about me. all he cares about is that i make him give money to my mother for child support! hey! its not my fault that you guys broke up. its urs father...you didnt care about mom... you didnt care then.. an you never will.

Adam since you dont seem to care abuot me, im going to stop caring about you... just bloody talk to me when you can.. or i'll just show up at your place if the test shows postive and i'll tell you even if your friends are there that your going to be a father! and then i'll say "either start acting like one or get ready to pay child support" well since u wont even read this there is no point in writing it other then for me to be able to get mad...

what the hell is the point of being married if there is no love?! thats why im not gonna get married but I will have promise rings... and if i have a child with that person. that child will have that persons last name cause it is part of them too... so yeah... this must be a long post... i hope you dont mind i just want to ramble on today about anything and everything... you must get confused... yeah... lol i unno i guess i'll just go now... i might post again later but i highly doubt it since Jarret is gonna come over tonight and might spend the night and yeah lol fun fun...

we might go to the forest and have a fire with Tasha. Kayla. Alex if he can come and yeah... lol marshamllows and so much more.. we might even camp out there if we can.. but i dont think me and jarret will.... well i am gonna go now.... to much tyoping tfianlly hurting my hands...can barely type right...lol

Lost In My Own Little World Of War

sincely,

Blood-Goth-Lover
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Sitting here skipping again pissed off at Adam cause he wont talk to me...but you knwo what I dont care anymore. he can bloodly well talk to me when he bloody wants to. he knows my number. he knwos where i live... ah... fuck it... i'll rite more later. bye
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Thursday, May 10, 2007

im so confused... so lost... im scared about what adam might do... why cant i get ahold of him?

I got sick today I'm not at school cause i keep throwing up... what am i going to do! im so scared... please be ok adam... i want this test when i take it to be negitve... it cant be positve...

please be ok Adam.. dont do smething stupid... please think before you act... u can't read this but know I care so much about you... I've always loved you...from the first time we met at Greg's birthday party... and I know you love me too. you just dont want to say it... please be ok.. why do i care so much about you?why do i want to be with you? when im with my love... Jarret... im so confused!
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So Lost So Confused... worried about Adam.. told him on msn.. then I had to leave right away... so I dont know how he is taking the news so well... Worried about him... Dont want him to hurt himself... scared for him... wonderign what will happen if I am...i'm scared... i need my best friend but she is gone... i miss her... i miss him.. adam why do I care so much for you when your wrong for me? Jarret is good to me.. Jarret loves me... You love me too adam but you just wont say it... i'm sorry... i want to hurt myself.. want to die... but i can't... i wont.... please be ok adam... please talk to me again... I need ot know ur ok
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Tuesday, May 8, 2007

Been 2 weeks and 2 days..
It's been 2 weeks and 2 days since me and Jarret have starting to date...I already feel like shit...I hate that I need to tell him that I need a break from him already... I can't handle the pain I'm going through. And I dont want to bring him down either...Don't want to bring him down through my pain... I WANT TO BE ALONE NOW! But At the same time I dont.

Cutting again? should I? or should I just take the pain and keep it inside since no one cares about what i say... he will run when he finds out wont he? he will be scared of what will happen...anyone would... he is much to old for me...as some say...his to much into drugs.. drinking, not caring about his life...but he will if its postive...Jarret will leave me... what the hell am i going to do?....Adam will run... wont he? he is to scared... he wont know what to do... he will think its a lie.. he will freak..they will hate me... they will call me a slut... they will call me a whore.. its not my fault...yes it is. but i can't help what my heart told me to do... I followed my heart...I'm sorry jarret that i cheated on you right away...but at the same time i'm not... i've always cared about Adam...but i didn't want this to happen... pelase forgive me... I dont know wht to do... i'm going to try and tell you i need time to think about stuff... but i wnt to see you... i can't stand it... i'm going to cry when i talk to you... i'm sorry!..cuttin again... my arm is full of blood. i'm watching it slowly come out...w hat the fuck am i going to do!... what the fuck if its postive!.. they will call me a whore... everyone will... im sorry...

I'm gonna drop out of school if I don't pass this year. Everyone will hate me... I need to get away.. I need to find myself again... Wish I could go where Amber and Logan are. they seem to care about me...Logan even says i'm special and very nice...

I'm going to go to my old school and get hugs from kendra if i can... then go back to art.. maybe.... well cya later... bye

Lost In My Own Little World Of War

sincely,

blood-goth-lover
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Monday, May 7, 2007

Why does no one comment on what I say?
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I miss him... dont want to be with him... so confused... cutting. drinking...smoking... drugs again...Wanting to get out of here... so depressed...no one cares.. lost without you. but i'm finding my way... what the hell am I going to do?! so confused. stomach feeling weird. watching the blood slowly poor down my wrist... onto the ground. Lost confused. want to be with him.... i miss him... I miss her..wondering whats going on through his mind... through her mind.. confused.. why am I like this? cutting, drinking...lost in the darkness...what is going on? no one to help me.. so confused.. so lost.. cutting drinking... lost in my own little world of War...Cutting drinking and so much more... I miss him... I love him more than any other... what the hell am i going to do? pregnant or not? when will I know... whats going to happen with me??... cutting.. confused...drinking...lost...drugs... found... what the hell am I doing? to myself...someone help me! but I dont want to be help also... what the fuck am i doing?
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