Saturday, November 25, 2006

   WTF?
What the f?
A week ago I had maybe one or two things going for me. Now? Nothing. Not even a boyfriend.
He. Dumped. Me.
The three haunting words that seem to beckon tears lately. But its true. He did. And I hate it. Out of nowhere, I start hearing he is cheating on me, and then I ask him. He acted suspicious, sure, but I trusted him. I think I hate that more than anything. How stupid I was to have trusted him. I trusted him alot, and he did this. Cheated on me, then told me we had to break up, so he could grow up a little.
Did I miss something? Wasn't I supposed to dump him? Then I could at least of had some dignity in it all. But no. I am so stupid. He cheats on me, then dumps me with a fuckin LETTER!
God. I love him though.
The dick. I still fuckin love him. And after all this, I can never trust him again. Never. Maybe.....maybe......if he proved his love or something cheesy like that. I always was a sucker for flowers and chocolate. But he would never do that. I will end up alone, and stupid. Not to mention the whole...I trusted him. The first guy I trust enough to let in my pants by my terms, and he does this! What am I supposed to do????
My whole body hirts now. My chest feels all tight. What happened? I thought he cared more. I thought...
Whatever.
My mom is nearby, so I should stop, before she gets wind of....
Oh yeah, and Danny. Danny aka Moms boyfriend. I tried not to let him know. But he got wind of something. I was washing dishes, and you know what he happened to say? "Hey, I bet your man is with some hot pussy tonight. I bet he is with another girl every night!" Then...he laughed. I held a knife to him, and said "Don't matter does it? He dumped me." Then I went back to washing. "Well, why did he do that?" I ignore this. Then, after a while....I was folding clothes. And you know what? Danny started in on this "I bet you feel like a whore? Don't you." I ignore. "You feel like a whore. I bet you gave it up to him all the time. Any chance you got. But he didn't want it did he? He liked your pussy, but it just wasn't virgin enough. Because you are a whore." Then I kneed him in the crotch.
Because you know what? I do feel like a whore. A bad one. Who doesn't deserve to live.
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Sunday, November 5, 2006

OH MY GOD I FORGOT.
I think.....I think I am in love.
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   It all ends like it always does.
Everything is settling into the utter chaos I feel almost secure in. Best friends rejecting me again, and the other is just doing the same. Halloween....did I tell you all about that?
It was magic. Pure magic. The way I like to feel, like everyone gets on okay. Me and Dylan and Charles, all hanging out on halloween. I....feel odd speaking about it.
So I won't.
ANyways. So lately...I think I made a mistake. I can't help it. I just feel like nothing has went my way lately. Maybe thats why Halloween seemed so magical. Oh well.
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Saturday, November 4, 2006

   Boop!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yeppers. SO much to say. No time to say it.
Maybe I'll add a post some other time. Love you my loyalist followers.
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Sunday, October 29, 2006

   Soooo.....
So. What goes on with the world? Sigh, Halloween is simply around the the corner. I wanted to be a harliquen. You know, a jester. And of course we barely have the money for food, let alone a cool costume. I will have to scrap most of it like everyother costume.
Well I am still alive, though in my head is a post apocolyptic nightmare. Okay. I feel like bed.
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Friday, October 20, 2006

   Oh....
Oh, hey.
I really don't feel like telling the internet...but I should.
I will.
So Me and my moms boyfriend got into a fight last night. Over things I really don't feel like typing or thinking about.
So I got so upset, I ran out of the house screaming I am going on a walk. I ran down the hill, realizing then that I had on no shoes, and no jacket. But I still ran. My breathe was fogging up, and I ran all the way to the street. I ran down the road, sobbing by then. My feet felt numb, and yet, I felt my feet being sliced up by the broken glass from the bottles.
I threw myself into the ditch to avoid the headlights of a passing car. When it was gone, I ran up to the woods. I ran up the woody hill, cutting my feet on thorns and branches.
Then I collapsed onto the muddy ground, and sobbed into the freezing wind. Crying out "Why! Why do I have to be here! Where is my gaurdian angel!"
.......My faithful dog. Spot. She trots up, and sits by me. She let me pet her softly, and sob into her fur. Her son Spook ran up, and sat on my left. I sobbed into him to. They protecetd me from the worries of the woods. My bleeding feet frozen over, the mud on my face running with my tears.
I finaly stopped screaming. But the sobs and shivers kept on. I started to settle down, whispering to myself, and my two protecters.
I think I lost some more sanity in those woods. I finaly started praying. To Satan, to god, to buddha. Whomever would listen, and answer me. FInaly I climbed into a tree, shaking violently. Well gotta go!








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Saturday, October 14, 2006

   Ah Cinderella
You all know Cinderella right? The girl who lost her shoe at the ball with the prince? I felt like her last night. I was all dressed up, my hair done, my make up too. I wore this dress, and it was so form fitting, I could barely breathe save the slight gasp here and there. And I went to Dylans house first, he stared dimly for the slightest minute. I felt stupid. I always wear these baggy ass clothes, and no one sees any of my skin, ever. Backless purple velvet dress. I started rambling on and on about how stupid I felt, and just as I said "Yeah, and you know people will say 'look, aren't you so pret-" And he kissed me. And then he said "Pretty?" It was so sweet! I felt a little better. But I stayed there for about an hour, and Dylan got ready. His mom rangled us into pictures, and I felt stupider and stupider. We got there, and guess what! There were only about three other girls wearing dresses. I felt so stupid. My friend Angel popped out of no where, and said "Wow, nice dress." Then my friend JT said "Hey Jessie, nice dress." I walked over to where my friends Josh and Matt were standing. Joshes response: Stopped dancing, looked me up and down, and said "Wow, Jessie you look hot." I blush, and you couldn't tell. Matts response: Wide eyes, no speaking. Acts like he isn't staring. I dance a little with Angel and Josh and Matt in a little circle. Then I have to go lose my heels, and my pantie hose. Then my shawl, and I walk back to my circle. Josh holds out his hand, and says "May I have this dance?" I giggle, and take his hand. I felt guilty about not danceing with Dylan, but Dylan won't dance anyways. So Josh puts his hand on my waist, and takes the other one. And he dances pretty well. I felt really pretty when he twirled me, and my dress flared out in a velvet swirl. Everyone said that. My ex boyfriend came up when me and Josh stopped danceing. He said "Hey dude, you mind if I comment on your girlfriend?" This was directed to Dylan. He glares. Ex repeats-"You won't kill me right?" I clutch at DYlans waist(where my boobs come up to on him) and say "Oh, its fine honey." Ex says to me "You look sooo sexy in that dress." Dylan glares and steps between us. My tall handsome prince charming, who wouldn't grant me a dance. I giggle, and blush, and my friend Charles gets there. He says I look 'nice' But that is because he doesn't want to hurt me or Dylans feelings. I dance with Angel, I dance with Matt. I hint to DYlan he is pissing me off with his motionless-arms-crossed-statue dance. But Its fine. He gets to play with me, others just get to see me. I guess I would have felt a little more prettier if Dylan would just have danced one dance with me. Just one. All he would have had to do was hold me in his arms, and sway just a little. And it was pretty fun, and each time I stepped alone, some new guy would come over, and comment on my 'smokin hot body'.
Afterwards in the parkig lot Dylan lent me his jacket, just like the sweet prince charming I know he is. And the in the car, and his house....no comment!
LOts o love!
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Monday, October 9, 2006

   Yep Yep
So here I am again. Trying desperatly to fill up this space, so Dylan won't see my earlier posts. I feel kind of bad. I want to scratch up again. I shot up my arm with some stuff from my dealer. Bad, yes, but better than cutting. I drove around for a hour. NO licsence, but yes driving. Its kind of amazing how much I get away with my mother will never know. I told DYlan I don't want him reading this shit. But I do. I am gonna go shoot up one more time before school tommorrow. SHh...don't tell no one. Love!
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Saturday, October 7, 2006

The Angel and the Demon
Once I had an angel,
and he let me fall,
I met up with a demon,
forgot about it all.
Destroyed my mother,
Lost my father,
drank and smoked.
Grew up too fast,
lost my childhood,
like a puppy in the rain.
My angel is no where again,
left me alone.
My demon holds me close,
kissing the pain away.
My demon whispers love into my ear,
I tell him what he needs to hear,
the game starting soon,
the love we spent leaving us gasping.
My angel fucked up,
and left me here in hell,
he should have his throat ripped open.
The darkest rain cloud,
blocking the sunlight.
He lives in the next room,
calling me worthless.
The pain of the floor,
as it rises to meet my face,
his hands on me like rotting flesh,
his breathe sickening me.
But then I fall back to the shadows,
and tell nothing to the world.
My demon makes me safe,
if only for a while,
where the angel makes me cry,
my demon makes me smile.
Little kittens,
and rainbows across the sky,
My demon tries to save my soul,
but I can't trust anymore.
The pain is there again.
My face on the floor.
Going off into my deepest piece of mind.
Let my demon come,
and drag me to hell,
life is worst then death,
and home is no where.
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   Don't read this. Pent up depression.
So here I am again. Typing into the tiny screen. Its pixels iluminating my face. The sun has set. System of a Down is blasting into my headphones. My trans-am t shirt is soft, and my cammo pants baggy. I went to Dylans today. It was pretty fun. It was okay.
I kept feeling really depressed...distant...then I would snap back to reality, and Dylan wouldn't notice. So I go on and playfully touch his leg.
I told him I updated, but I don't want him reading that last post. It's sad. I am sad. I think I will go do something to bring myself ack to life. Swim maybe. Its 65 degrees outside, and I thik a nice chilly swim is just what I need.
Or maybe I'll find a new place to scratch on. My hand is too noticeable. Dylan said nothing about it today, and I really kind of wish he would have. But I know I would have just said Nothing again. Whats wrong with me? I need help. I need...food actually. Food is a nice tool. So is sex. But...I always feel horible afterwards. Like I am being used. I have been. I shouldn't put this in here, but no one reads this, and the occasianal person won't care. When I was a little kid...Something happened. I shouldn't tell, I know how bad it would seem. I don't think I should. But It kills me.
And Dylan shouldn't know either.
When I was about nine...For about five minutes there my hands wouldn't move. It's not as bad as it...I haven't lied to Dylan, I just left out things I had done. Things some one did. I shouldn't put this. I am going for a walk. No. I am calling Dylan. Dylan, if you read this, know I won't recall what you are talking about, or I will say nothing again. You don't need this crap.
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