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Friday, October 6, 2006


   Confused and Conflicted
I feel so messed up lately. And even when someone seems to notice I am down, I get defensive. I don't meen to do it. But...I just don't trust anything. Anyone. ANYONE! I used to scratch my hand. Its like cutting for me. A tiny whimper of pain, and then I am content. If I feel pain, I know I am still here. Except, Dylan asked what it was. I felt ashamed imediatly, and nealy ripped my arm under the table. I like it. The sting as it heals. I do this to myself. I used to do it, and then it got so bad. I am crying. Now. As I type this tiny truths to no one at all. I sob into my keyboard, and cry on and on. Everyone hates me. NOt emo, just hateful.
Today, I told my so called friend Vincent to move his ass. He didn't mind, but this girl Naomi told me "You should be a little more proper when you speak." I told her she means polite, I have fine grammer. It might not have helped I called her a retard, but she deserved it. Vince knew I was joking, and she just acted like I punched her in the face. Then she tells my other friend that she hates me because I am rude.
And people think I am a slut, that me and Dylan did things, no one has evidence of. And he acts like it affects him. Is he the tramp who everyone asks 'how much?'? No. Is he the one who got a half beating for being in the school? No. I admit, it must have felt terrible to be called out like that, but hearing the people I didn't hate as much as I should have tell me I should stop giving hand jobs to everyone...I am a bad person.
And I cried on the bus today. Dylan noticed a little, but I hate telling off my feelings, seeming weak. So I said nuthin. Just like my hand. Its nothing. A passing fleeting moment of the real me. The crying, stupid whore who cuts herself. I try telling peopleI don't mean to be so cruel, but they act like I am kidding. No seems to understand how dangerously scarey I am in my own head. I am so scared I will go completely numb, and so caloused that I will hurt someone I love. Like Dylan. Yeah, I told him I cheated on a guy before. Want to know the truth? I cheated on Tim with Dylan. THen Tim found out and said "Him or me." I decided on Dylan. Kristel got sent away for doing drugs because I told her I loved a man. Dylan cost me two loves. More than that.
I have a deeper secret.
I cast a spell last year. As I chose betwen Tim and Dylan. Two of the greatest loves of my life. I cast a spell, to clear away all choices that are wrong. To help me find my love. The love just for me. You know what happened? Seth, John, Tim, Kristel, Sky, Jesse, Tammy, and Simon all went away. I can't find any way to reach any of them. But Dylan is still here. In my Drama class even. BUt did it work? Is he the right one for me? I feel like he doesn't think so. I know he might read this, and I am to upset to care. I might see him tommorrow. Maybe... My hand hurts where I scratched it. My philosophy homework is finished, and I am a little tired. I feel three times older, and five times heavier. I look in the mirror, and I look exausted, worn out, completely old, like I was just beaten. Sorry for all who read this. I didn't mean to get all...soggy on you. I shall go commit a homocide to make up for it.
Except thats another thing. If anyone does read this they will call me names. I don't act like this. I shouldn't post it. But I have o see if anyone understands. Hello? Anyone? Would you care if I died tommorrow? No?
I am dragging Dylan down I think. I am going to go play some random CD and try to sleep before I am dragged to the waking world where everyone hates me.
Lots of love, Jessie

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Saturday, September 16, 2006


   Sigh...update on my life.
Sigh, so we are all officialy in the tenth now, and no complications about my not passing two classes. *looks around* I think my science teacher fudged my grade. I checked my transcript it says she gave me a D, and thats what I needed to pass. But before I left for summer, I checked, I had a very low, very depressing F. Conspiracy working in my favor?
Oh well.
Guess what? Rock. Know what else? Garage.
*laughs* SO! How are you all? My invisibal lovers? I miss some of my friends that haven't showed up in the school. LIke John. *sniffle* I trusted him so much. He was closer to me than my boyfriend was. And now he is gone. I am depressed now.
But I still am ducking Tim, who hasn't bothered to call yet. Liar. Maybe if he called like he said, I wouldn't be so cruel while talking about him, but he kind of broke my heart into many pieces. Dylan is kind of fixing it. But I think he needs some heavy duty duct tape.
OH! And the indignity of it all! On the bus, the driver asked me if I was keeping my hands to myself. (I sit with Dylan) I toldher yes, I wasn'ttouching any one. I didn't DO anything. I was reading! And then when I went to get off, she said I had to sit beside her from then on! I didn't DO anything! Bleepin Bleep! Bleep! Bleep Bleep!!! Well, I will go peacefully to the front of the bus, and if in a week, when I ask her if I can sit where I want, she says no...I will go balistic! She can kiss my elbow! If she treats me like this from now on, I don't care if I have to walk from the sophmore campus to the high school, I will not be treated like a ho. She will pay...*eyes glow red, and growls at keyboard*
Oh well. I can be iniocent enough to be the good one in this. But if she treats me like a delinquent, I am going to act like a bleeping delinquent.
Sigh. I miss Dylan. We spent last weekend together, and hopefully we can next weekend. He goes to his dads everyother weekend. Oh! My mother says hello.
Look! I can fly with a moose!
Sorry...Is any one ever going to read this shi-stuff. I am trying to not curse.
IS anyone out there? Hello? Fine, if you must remain aloof. Sigh...

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Wednesday, September 6, 2006


   Hello lovers
If we all live, are we all universes? Swirling into eachother, causing caos? Well...I wont get all wierd. Just want to tell my faithful lovers how I have been.
Me and Dylan still together. But somthing happened, and I felt kind of stretched. It happened a month ago, and I hate that it did. Tim called me. Said he loves me, he is in foster care now. I started crying over the shame that I love him still.
Dylan also...
But Tim has forgotten me again, and Dylan remains by my side. Well, except when he is with 11. 11 is our friend, and a well known fact that I love gay men. 11 and Dylan are so cute together! Oh sigh.
Other than that, I haven't heard a dreary word from my Kristel. To put my life now into a nutshell? It would explode. Chaos ruleing forever. War inside my own head. I walk the halls in a zombie like state, and look up as I sense someone bumping into me. Today I daydreamed so much, someone thought I was asleep with my eyes open. The far away look in my eyes...
Welp.
I am on mothers laptop, and I might go soon.
Me and Shelby are doing relativly fine. Except I think she should pay more attention to love, and not lust. And when she understands my guru sayings, she will calm down.
Oh, and not to mention the horrifying talk on birth control I had with me mom. I felt like stabbing myself with a blue or black pen (Thats all I have to write with) and putting my self out of my own misery.
Reminds me! Dylan is coming over on Saturday. I am listening to System of a Down on the laptop. Oh so delicious.
Lovers? Why do I see so less and less of you all? For those who stay faithful, goodnight, and sleep well. May flights of winged devils lead you through the slumber valley into a dreadfully loving nightmare.

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Wednesday, July 26, 2006


   Bye for a while
This is my last day at my grandmas, so I am saying goodbye until I can get a new library card. I haven't been on that much this summer, so it isn't a big deal. Well, more when I get a new card!
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Tuesday, July 25, 2006


Forever

Forever lost within my own thoughts,
Losing all around me.
I watch them fade away,
Seeing them ignoring me.
So silent for so long,
They asume I don't care.
But I DO.
They can't be happy for me,
while I am supposed to cheer them on.
Why is everyone better at being me than me?
Forever locked inside my soul,
looking out the windows of my eyes.
Forever tortured blue,
I wait for the clouds to clear.
And whenI see that shining sun,
waiting above me.
They pull me into the shade, and beat me.
Forever I wait for the cool release of death,
forever closed inside my head.
Only here to keep them out.
Waiting for the time I want to come out.

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Friday, July 14, 2006


   Looky! One of my songs I wrote!
Trapped in this shell of hatred.
Just another doll,
in the toybox of shame!
Picked up and put down,
time and time again!
Losing on the battlefield,
of demons and angels.
Who can you trust?
When all is falling around you?
When all you know is pain?
Let your wounds bleed,
let your blood fall.
Like rain onto the linolium,
where no one can see you,
laying in a pool of broken souls.
See how they all act,
when you aren't yourself anymore.
Let the demons take your soul,
help them win the war.
Lose the conflicts in your head,
and just die!
Falling rain,
on my freckled cheek.
Mixing with tears of doubt.
Follow me to gates of hell,
and let me fall!

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   Aw
All right. So me and Dylan are a little less testy. I have found I am still quite fond of him. I wish he would only act like the Dylan I fell in love with. The one who cracks jokes at everything, told me his secrets, his dreams. The one who promised not to hurt me. The one who would wrap his arms around me and surprise me with a kiss. He always made me feel like I was needed, like I could help him. But then he changed somehow, and the needed feeling left, replaced with one that didn't want to share, love, or feel.
I guess I change people. They never seem to want to stay like they were when I met them. Like Lexi, she changed. Charles too. Shelby, Shannon, Matt, Anthony. They all changed.
Kristel too. She got so bad she was sent away. She understood me. SHe sent me letters for a while, until I stopped sending back. I don't know why I never sent back. I just didn't...
I often wonder what things would have been like if I never did this, or that. MAybe it would be better....
Maybe it would be worse.

~(Memory, because I haven't in a while)~ It is Christmas time, and me and Dylan are at the parade in town. I see a few people I recognize, and Dylan sticks to me like glue. When I get a little cold, he wraps me in his big squishy coat, and I feel his heart beat next to me. We goof around, sticking a glow stick in funny places. He seems happy to be with me, and I am overcome with love.~ This was before we changed~

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Wednesday, July 12, 2006


Ozzfest!!!
Ozzfest kicked butt!!! Oh my god I loved it! SO many goth punk grunge! Ahhh!!!!!!!!!!!! SOOOOOO good! Ozzy made a rock symble at me! and I saw System of a Down live!!! (Points at Dylan!) YAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Monday, July 10, 2006


   Down
I am feeling kind of down, and no one listens to me when I need them too. I always tell them that I have no feelings, and I really wish I didn't. But I do.
I wonder if they care enough to ever read this...but either way I feel kind of down today. I talked to Dylan.. He is broken up with Shelby, and has been. Sorry bout the earlier comments Dylan. Other than that, and the Anthony blurt I regret nothing. I don't need to scream I love anthony. He is an okay guy, and seems like he could care, just being emo for a while...
My life sucks. And if a single person says I am emo, I will skin them alive.
Unless you know what my life has been don't say a fucking word. (If I get angry I wont be depressed)
Beatings, drugs, alchohol, the classic life of a bad kid. Even got the sex pred moms boyfriend. Nothing happened. If you even ask, I will rip out an eyeball. And I can't get a hold of my other friends.
Bleak as mud. Dark as a coffin. Mean as a junkyard dog. And probably only half the fleas. Mutt and Junk really describe me best. Treat me right, and I won't chew on your leg. But even if I don't I will always be cast aside...like garbage....Well....Going away for three days, so Good bye.
Oh. And if anyone has some consoling words. I will feel better.

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Sunday, July 9, 2006


   UPDATE! FINALY!!!
Okay. So. My heart was ripped to tiny peices, and the rippers don't even care. Half the people don't even seem to realize. Dylan for instance. He said he wasn't ready for a girlfriend, and I backed off. And I loved him. Then one of my best friends turned around and started going out with him. Shelby, you stupid bitch! When I say I don't care, I am obviously hiding my feelings! Well, and I hope he made you feel special with that "I was thinking of you when I made out with her." LIne, he is a chump. If he ever reads this, know, I loved you, and now I pretty much despise you.
You are a whiney bastard who never deserved me (Thank you squirrel!).
Anthony Knighting. Some one tell the boy I am in love with him, and all he needs to do is return my love.
Tim. The rat bastard treats me like shit. He may go to hell also. And I mean hell. Not my house. As Goddess of War, I set him upon my list of ignore.
I got with Tim to heal my broken heart, wich he smashed by saying I am not the only girl in the world.
Danny. My mortal enemy (Moms boyfriend)Wrecked do to a curse from me. Motorcyle crash that broke a lot of bones. Hizza!
The rest must be thought of until I am ready to share my wounds.

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