Saturday, March 3, 2007

   K....so what should I do?
To you all out there in that cybernetic world of yours-what the hell should I do? I feel like a trashy girl. Maybe I am? What do you think? I don't mean to be, I don't. But I find myself having sex, and getting high at every turn of the wheel. Which, by the way, after my crash-I'm afraid to drive cars. And I'm afraid of being alone in the dark now. I've never been afraid of anything. And now...and no one is here for me.
I hate this though. At school, there are these two guys I am due to fuck on monday. One drives me to the other campus, and the other one I've known for half my life as my surragate big brother. I don't know how I got sucked into that. I was kind of mad at Dylan, and I thought I'd try to piss them all off by getting into Mikes red truck. But halfway there he asked me if I would actualy fuck him. I'd said that jokingly one day, and he took me literaly. I thought for zero seconds before lighting my cigarette, and saying 'of course!' SO he grins like the stupid teen boy he is, and he looks back to Brandon. Brandon smiles at me, and asks what it'd take for me to fuck him too. I smiled like the sleeze ball I am, and said "OH, you get me anyways bro." So then Mike runs his hand up my leg, and I stare like it's a surprise to see him touching me. But for some reason, I just flick my ciggy out the window, and reach behind me-undoing my bra, and lifting up my shirt. I giggled. Because at that bold ass slut move, it got the hand off my leg, and Mike nearly ran into a stop sign. His jaw was unhinged, as well as Brandons, and they pulled into a hotel parking lot. I shook my head, and said "Get me back to school Mike, I'm hungry." He shrugged a little, and said "How bout on monday? Will you fuck me then?" I smiled, knowing I was killing myself then. And said "Sure cutey!" I light another cigarette, and they drive me back to the school. I see Dylans face as he sees me walk into the school with both guys following me like drooling monkeys. I sit next to Dylan, and feel worse and worse by the way he is looking at me. He knows I was being trashy, so why did he sit with me the whole time, staring at me like that. Then I realize his other little fangirl isn't sitting where she usualy does. Was he just mad because of her? Was I just being paranoid? SO I try to get back onto his happy side, with no go. I tried to get his attention by twiddleing with his hands, no big deal with him usualy-but he rips his hand away from me like I have some disease. I feel really horrible for about a minute, then he apologizes, saying it wasn't that it was me, just that I surprised him.
Yeah. Right. Not like I'm so bad, right? I'm not actualy going to fuck them. Besides. What kind of guy wants a girl who's so trashy? I need someone who really cares about me, which slings us back to my being grounded till summer. My mother grounded me because I was hanging out with DYlan instead of being where I was supposed to be. Again. But then she grounded me till summer. Punishment not fit the crime any one? And telling me I'm not aloud to talk to anyone after or before school, not do anything I want to do till summer...its made me worse. I have no one to talk to anyways! FUCK!!! I am crying now. I'm gonna go, before she gets home, and rips out my heart for being online. See ya in the wanted posters!
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