Friday, October 6, 2006

   Confused and Conflicted
I feel so messed up lately. And even when someone seems to notice I am down, I get defensive. I don't meen to do it. But...I just don't trust anything. Anyone. ANYONE! I used to scratch my hand. Its like cutting for me. A tiny whimper of pain, and then I am content. If I feel pain, I know I am still here. Except, Dylan asked what it was. I felt ashamed imediatly, and nealy ripped my arm under the table. I like it. The sting as it heals. I do this to myself. I used to do it, and then it got so bad. I am crying. Now. As I type this tiny truths to no one at all. I sob into my keyboard, and cry on and on. Everyone hates me. NOt emo, just hateful.
Today, I told my so called friend Vincent to move his ass. He didn't mind, but this girl Naomi told me "You should be a little more proper when you speak." I told her she means polite, I have fine grammer. It might not have helped I called her a retard, but she deserved it. Vince knew I was joking, and she just acted like I punched her in the face. Then she tells my other friend that she hates me because I am rude.
And people think I am a slut, that me and Dylan did things, no one has evidence of. And he acts like it affects him. Is he the tramp who everyone asks 'how much?'? No. Is he the one who got a half beating for being in the school? No. I admit, it must have felt terrible to be called out like that, but hearing the people I didn't hate as much as I should have tell me I should stop giving hand jobs to everyone...I am a bad person.
And I cried on the bus today. Dylan noticed a little, but I hate telling off my feelings, seeming weak. So I said nuthin. Just like my hand. Its nothing. A passing fleeting moment of the real me. The crying, stupid whore who cuts herself. I try telling peopleI don't mean to be so cruel, but they act like I am kidding. No seems to understand how dangerously scarey I am in my own head. I am so scared I will go completely numb, and so caloused that I will hurt someone I love. Like Dylan. Yeah, I told him I cheated on a guy before. Want to know the truth? I cheated on Tim with Dylan. THen Tim found out and said "Him or me." I decided on Dylan. Kristel got sent away for doing drugs because I told her I loved a man. Dylan cost me two loves. More than that.
I have a deeper secret.
I cast a spell last year. As I chose betwen Tim and Dylan. Two of the greatest loves of my life. I cast a spell, to clear away all choices that are wrong. To help me find my love. The love just for me. You know what happened? Seth, John, Tim, Kristel, Sky, Jesse, Tammy, and Simon all went away. I can't find any way to reach any of them. But Dylan is still here. In my Drama class even. BUt did it work? Is he the right one for me? I feel like he doesn't think so. I know he might read this, and I am to upset to care. I might see him tommorrow. Maybe... My hand hurts where I scratched it. My philosophy homework is finished, and I am a little tired. I feel three times older, and five times heavier. I look in the mirror, and I look exausted, worn out, completely old, like I was just beaten. Sorry for all who read this. I didn't mean to get all...soggy on you. I shall go commit a homocide to make up for it.
Except thats another thing. If anyone does read this they will call me names. I don't act like this. I shouldn't post it. But I have o see if anyone understands. Hello? Anyone? Would you care if I died tommorrow? No?
I am dragging Dylan down I think. I am going to go play some random CD and try to sleep before I am dragged to the waking world where everyone hates me.
Lots of love, Jessie
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