Saturday, July 23, 2005

life, love, lying, and letting it get to you...
Hey guys been awhile, well maybe it hasn't i don't know anymore i lose track of time nowadays to the point where i think its morning and its night outside... this really sucks heh. Now that i think about it isn't it July or something? oh well, f it. my friend has been talking about how depressing it is for him now that he doesn't have this girl he was going out with and it's sorta my fault he isn't going out with her and he just wrote a damn long post about her and some other things about his life (a lot of it was about her or had her involved into it somehow) but now i'm starting to get mad for some reason that i don't know of and i feel depressed when i'm alone and i don't even want to feel this way it's just one of the many things my mind does to torture my soul (it hates my soul so it sends me FUCKING scary ass nightmares every night and unbearable thoughts *no not perverted or gross just really bad ones* from time to time and it's hard to deal with these things) i got caught by the cops a little while for sneaking outta my house at 1 in the morning and now i have a court hearing to go to cause i was walking around with a kid that had run-ins with the cops for 3 yrs now (nothing bad just teenage stuff) plus he was sent to Havenwick a couple times so he's been labled mentally insane by some people. well as you can guess i'm not allowed to hang out with him anymore and i don't think i want to cause he can get into really seriously stupid situations with a ease that only he can do (it's like hes a frigging magician but instead of pulling rabbits outta a hat he pulls police fines from his pocket heh) so yea we can't talk to eachother but we have a court hearing on the same date i'm told by some birdies so i don't know if we gotta go in at the same time or something. It's August 25 that i'm going so i gotta remember why i even went out that day. Can't just say i felt like walking around or else they will send me to something for lying or some crap like that. so i'm a little nervous about this.

People say one thing and then they say something else completely different to other people and that can get you into trouble sometimes (mostly all the time) but heres the story of how we got caught...

The people in this story are named here ( Ben - screwed up kid, Lauren - some chick i don't really wanna know, Brandon - a dude with split personalities and will do anything you ask him too, Tarah - Ben's ex girl and friend of mine and kelleys)

It was the middle of the day and i was walking around with some friends (Tarah and Brandon) while they were wondering around looking for these two people (Ben and Lauren) that Brandon's house together when they shouldn't have and we walked for a little while talking and looking and Tarah had to leave so it was me and scitzophrenic Brandon walking around and we were talking and he asked me if i wanted to go to this church with him and Ben at 1 in the morning, i asked him why and he said for the hell of it but for some reason i didn't think that was the reason (this is my conscious and my gut saying DON"T FUCKING GO but i didn't listen cause i'm an idiot sometimes) so i said i don't know maybe. Me and Brandon kept looking for Ben and Lauren a little longer but soon we just left for our homes... At 12:34 i was trying to go to sleep but i couldn't so i had the brilliant idea to jump outta bed and climb out my window and go see if Ben was going to be leaving at 1:00 like they said they would ( he was spending the night at his next door neighbors for an obvious reason) at around 12:40 i made it to the kid's house and i sat between two cars and wated till 1 to see if he would leave... 1:10 came around and i decided to leave and take a scenic route home. Oddly enough i bumped into a shirtless Ben, a fully clothed Brandon and a skimpy clothes wearing Lauren with Ben's wife beater shirt on so we decided to start walking around and a cop went by us with there windows down and Ben had the genius in him to say "what is he drunk" to the cop. If you haven't guessed it they didn't like they so they went to the end of the street stopped and did a fast u-turn around and headed back to us. They asked us our ages, Lauren and Brandon are 13, Ben's 14 and i'm 15 so i already knew we were in trouble. "what are you doin out here this late" one of the cops asked, "we were going to stop a friend from getting drunk but now we aren't sir" Ben said "do i have to write a curfew violation ticket or are you going to go straight home" "we will go home sir" said ben, and we started walking and i was thinking ( holy shit we didn't get in trouble but how am i going to get home -since ben's house is sorta far away from mine-) so Lauren, Ben, and me went to Lauren's house while Brandon bolted to his house. When we got there we stayed for a little while but the her mom came out and she screamed "Get outta here" and we decided to leave of course but instead of doing the smart thing and head home we tried to go to Brandon's house cause he had a tent so we were going to stay there until curfew ended. when we got there we found the tent and ben started to whisper for brandon. His mom came outta the house in a bathrobe furious at us. then a old lady i'm assuming was brandons grandma came out and she called the cops. His mom hit the tent and a 13 yr old girl came outta the tent (oh Fuck!!!) she started asking who we were and what we were doing out here, the girl didn't know what we were doing here of course. the mom asked me who i was and i said Tim Allen and she didn't believe that at all ( great name sometimes huh?) the mom was saying how we were trying to get into the tent and have sex with the 13 yr old (i was about to gag when she said that... I mean come on that shits wrong!!) Then the cops came and that made it more worse cause ben was saying how he was thinking about commiting suicide to the mom after he told the cops about a drunken friend (he has everything under control doesn't he?) well they put us in the cop car and dropped both us off and gave the fines to our parents. My parents weren't mad they gave me the cold disapproving thing where they wouldn't yell at me but would eventually do something. Know i gotta pay a fine that i don't know how much it costs and i gotta go to court to find out how much it is gonna cost.

Thats all there was to that.
Now there is something else going wrong in this house my sister who's 16 is now as my mom put it irresponsible and if she doesn't get her act together then she will be kicked out when she hits 17 and i don't want that to happen to her but theres nothing i can do about it that i know of.

I can't stand to be in any part of my house anymore besides my room and my computer room. It's weird but there's a sorta *air* to the house that makes me wanna get outta here as fast as possible and i can't take it in here anymore. Other then this my life is going ok now cept for the daily thoughts of dark things my mind gives me and my nightmares at night. Whenever kelley's around me though i can feel at peace cause i actually don't think anything i don't want to and i feel happy with her around though i sometimes have trouble showing it (it's genetic since my dad has trouble showing himself and can be put off as cold sometimes and i got most of that from him) but i think i'm starting to get better at it cause i have my mom's caring personality in me but still my dad's side of me reigns supreme *heh*. Her ex boyfriend is always talkin about how he misses her and that everyday he is in pain and thinks of cutting himself so how do you think it makes me feel. MAKES ME FEEL LIKE SHIT IS WHAT IT DOES. nobody say don't worry about what he says cause i'm sick of people saying that, there's nothing i can do about it he just splurts the shit out whenever he gets the chance and this is the first time i actually said anything about most of the shit he says but i don't know what he wants me to do anymore KILL MYSELF. (will that make you happy alex if i just end my life then can you be any fucking happier knowing the guy that took your girl from you is dead then will you be happy??!) it kills me inside and that doesn't help me at all cause my mind is already slowly killing my sould every single day and all this extra shit is just hurting me even more and i'm on the edge but all i need is that finall nudge and i'm toppling over the cliff and the support net at the bottom may not be strong enough anymore the way things are turning. (Kelley you shouldn't be blamed for this or anything that happens) but christ i can't even sleep knowing the things he says and he says it as i said before whenever he's on the computer!!! Thats the love part of my title heh.

The lying was from Ben and when he said that shit to the cops and Brandons mom and he always says one thing to me and something different to each other friend he has so that everybody has a different story that he weaved cause he broke up with the Tarah girl i mentioned and he told me he's over her and glad then goes and says to Tarah that he still believes that they are going out and then says to Brandon that he likes Lauren. I feel like grabbing him and say "Make up your fucking mind Ben, Jeezuz man get a fucking grip on reality!"

Life is going all haywire and fine at the same time and its becoming confusing to me and as the title mentioned its fucking GETTING to me. well i guess that's life for you though heh, always trying to string you along like a cat does to a mouse. The cat doesn't want to kill the mouse cause then he won't have anythign to play with. i know fully what that means know and i think it sucks but what can you do... i starting to have trouble typing cause my hands are becoming increasingly shaky after hearing what alex had to say now about his life and how it went shit down hill after kelley left him and i can't concentrate on what i'm saying so i gotta go now, with love to you all...goodnight

Tim
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