Tuesday, January 6, 2004

   If I know who I really am.........are u willing to know?

Take the Spirit Quiz and visit Castle Diqueria. An Empty Soul huh.......interesting.....to be honest though...I'm not sure if I should post this...but I'm putting myself to the test...and well the reason Im unsure of myself on putting this its because.....I dont want you to know on what I really am......but I trust you guys......ya,getting mushy....rarely happens to me.....hmmmm......wonder why.... Anyways...ya,mostly I feel so empty....like for some reason I lost the most valuable thing in my life....or maybe that I'm still trying to find that valuable thing.....but it seems that I can't reach it.....lots of people think that I'm a loner......well of course it's true......but when I see my classmates having fun with their friends....sometimes I would get jealous.....dunno why.....before I couldn't care less if I have no one to be with.....but when I have conflicts.....like family issues.....I just want someone to talk to.....to hold me when I cry......and to be honest......I would NEVER and I mean NEVER let my family and friends see me cry......they always see me smiling,cheerful,fun and energetic......ya I can be like that sometimes....but it's also a mask so they won't see me sad.....I have been wearing a mask for so long......I'm afraid to open up to anyone....it's funny though 'cuz I'm opening up to you guys right now.....heh.....I dunno why.....just like the quiz said......I'm very confuse......yes I am......I've always asked myself lots of stuff...like...WHY AM I HERE?...WHAT'S MY REASON TO BE HERE?....WHAT STOPPED ME FROM KILLING MYSELF?.....WHY IS IT HARD TO FORGIVE MYSELF?....WHY AM I HIDING MY TRUESELF?....and the questions goes on and on....it never stops....even though I keep asking myself I'll never get the answers I want to hear......and yet I keep asking.....you guys find me strange,dont you?.....peope dont understand me well....not even my family....they weren't their when I cry every night...but I wouldn't want them to see me cry anyway...I dont want them to see how weak I am....maybe I'm just too full of pride....or it's just useless if they know anyway.....I am so confuse....but you guys already know that...heh...sometimes I feel that I don't belong to this family....Im just so different among them....I'm quiet sometimes....secretive...I wont open up my personality....and I dont show love to them that much....LOVE....so fragile yet so dangerous...it's so hard for me to love anyone....and because of that one of my sisters seems to hate me....she thinks that I'm selfish...that I always think of myself....but that's not true...sure I can be selfish...but still....I don't want to open up them because I don't want to hurt them....my mission for my family is to protect them especially my siblings.... and also to protect them from ME...... they don't know this but I LOVE THEM....the problem is just me....it's so hard so damn HARD!!! I'm a heartless bitch,right?.....so confuse...I dont know where do I really belong.....but there's one thing that I'm sure....that when I'm old enough....I would leave my family and it's not because of them....it's ME I'm a problem....and all obstacles must be destroyed...and I'm one of them.....I don't care about myself....all I want is peace in my family...we've had so many problems....my siblings dont know it...but I do....I'm like the center of it all....both parents would tell me the problem.......and sometimes I would get mad....especially with my dad......I dont want to talk any personal stuff with him....one time we had a 'TALK'...and I have to control myself from hurting him.....ya I know....I'm being disrespectful....but that's what I am....even my mom tells me that....I'm full of problems.....even when I solve them.....it would just come back....too much pressure in me....too tired now....I just can't move on anymore....but I'm still fighting......all alone......no one.....I even doubt that God loves me anymore....I just don't feel that He's there to hold me when I'm down.....I just feel....that I'm meant to be alone.....but why???? WHY????.....

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