Thursday, February 3, 2005

   Killing Myself Again

I've been acting unusual for two weeks lately.I'm not eating too much sometimes I won't even bring my lunch to school or buy anything at the canteen,I've been playing with alot of sharp objects at school and at home get even cuts too,I'm a bit more quiet and I just want people to mind their own business especially to the worry-warts.My friends are starting to worry alot about me and I understand that but I just want to be alone.I don't know how to react when people worry about me,I just get BLANK all over myself and I feel a certain void inside for some reason. I really don't understand whats wrong with me but for some reason I enjoy it,especially the part when I'm hurting myself.It gives me a bitter-sweet feeling that just satisfies me insane,isn't it?. I'm amusing myself that's for sure.Like whenever I cut myself I just smile and grow interested on doing it again.Suicidal? Perhaps..... I even want to jump off from the 3rd floor of the school and its tempting too since there's no wall,wahahahaha!! Insane? I know ^_^ Ever since I've been acting this way,I've grown more curious on what death feels like.Where it would lead when I die? I don't think I'm suicidal but I'm a VERY curious person,especially when it comes to adventure,hehehe!!! But ofcourse I'm not a fool to do that ever,I'll just wait till I die but sadly I'm an eager person,hahahaha!!! And hurting myself physically is not only the matter I'm having,emotionally aswell.I'm annoyed at myself for being angry or sad over something that is stupid! I've been having this for 2 weeks and its just breaking me.....I need someone to whack me on the head to take me back to reality from time to time but asking one of my friends would make them worry and I don't want anyone to worry about me.Makes me a feel a burden to them like I'm just adding problems to them. We already have school to be busy about,no need to tell them no matter how much I want too,no wait...do I want to? ^^;;. And this post is getting me nowhere,so I'll just be blunt and say "I HAVE A PROBLEM PEOPLE! WHAT TO DO?!!?!?",hahaha!!! There's nowhere else to express this,so might aswell put it here,hehehe! Sorry for wasting your time! Bye! ~Blue Hawk

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