Thursday, July 27, 2006

   Thursday July 27, 2006 11:28 p.m. (Boy it's late!) SUMMER!!!
Summer

What's up doods? Summer's half over already and I don't think I've posted once! I suck. XD Anyway, this summer has been alright, but seeing as it is the summer of my eight grede year and I will not be attending the same school with my friends next year, I expected to do a lot more things and for it to be much better. But summer isn't over yet, so there's still a chance it can get even better. There are so many things I want to do, and most of them are very simple: go to the park, go swimming, hang out with my friends, go to the movies, and see Anais. Anais and Ruben started going out one week after school ended, and they broke up a few weeks ago. Anais was very depressed, and stopped eating. I was very worried when I haerd the news and I didn't know what to do. Aggie told me to call her, but I was afraid I would say something stupid and make it worse, so I sent her an email instead. My email and her reply are below:

Anais, I heard that you are not eating and I just want to say that it hurts me to know that you are doing this to yourself. You have so much to live for, you should not waste your life away on every road bump you encounter. I understand how upset you are, I went though it too, and I thought about many things, but you should never waste the life God gave you. He gave you a life for a reason, and it was not to cause you pain, but to help relieve the pain in the world. But first, you have to know pain to help relieve the people with pain. You have to live with your pain, if not for yourself, for your friends and family. Every time you hurt yourself, you are also hurting the ones close to you and the ones who love you. You may or may not understand this, but I love you and I can't bare to see you get hurt. Every time you are hurt, it hurts me ten times more and then it hurts even more when I feel like I am useless and cannot ease your pain. I want to comfort you and make all your pain go away, but the world doesn't work that way, and I really wish it did. I want you to be happy so that you can live your life to the fullest, even if it means that I have to be miserable or give up my life. I don't want any thing to make you sad and I wish I could destroy anything that causes you pain. Anais, I need you to eat, please. I need you to eat food so that you don't waste the time on earth God gave you. God is one of the biggest reasons to live. If your friends and family are not a good enough reason, then God is. Well, I have to go now. I hope you get and read this letter. I'm sorry if I bored you or if I made things worse, because that was never my intention. My intention was to take away your pain. Bye.
~Blurr
P.S. I know this might not make sense right now but, think of how they make a sword. They shape the metal and then they pound on it with a hammer. Every blow of the hammer helps shape the sword and makes it stronger. Think of pain, trial, and tribulations as a hammer and of your heart and soul as a sword. Every blow of the hammer helps shape your soul. And the sword must past through the fire, else it will break. Also, every thing happens for a reason. Your head might not know the reason, but your heart knows. Your heart always knows.

omg.blurr you dont know how much that email helped me.it make everythign 10 times better im
better lookng at teh brighter side of things.bfs come n go but my friends will always be there.i kno ya'll are always there to help me.n bout ruben he was friend b4 being my bf so i kno hes there.and now i do know things happen for a reason.i kno that from every bad thing that happens alwasy something better comes from. (10 times better) (mayb jensen ackles.lol)again thank you you are an amazing friend,i luv u 2, not inda creepy johnny dept,orlando bloom stalker kinda way. :) n yes there are many reason to continue living, the first one are my friends srry family for me comes second.theyre real asse's .not really but owell.n yea what doesnt kill us only makes us stronger.n in order to be stronger and in order to groww up we must suffer. love is love,love is groing up.n well im moving on w/ my life :) i dont want u to suffer cuz of me :( i suffer if u suffer cuz i suffer (make sense) your like the most awsome friend ever.i mean agie,ponce,lias,n diana,tried to cheer me up..but kinda didnt work.unlike them u actually took ur time to talk to me n make me understand things.aggie n diana just scared teh hell outa me.n ponce...lets not go there..well yea.thank you :) now look at the monkey n smile!!! hehe.thats my blog donw there.posted at myspace:) hey get a myspace so we can talk n get on IM i practically live here
ps) very well put with teh whole sword thing.made things way easier to understad
neverland here i come!!!!
Current mood: WAS THAT MICHAEL JACKSON!!!!
Category: Romance and Relationships
saying good bye is the hardest part but things always happen for a reason.maybe god has something beter in store for me.maybe its true..too young,moving too fast but im healing a little at a time.its hard i admit.things wont be the way they used to (friendship) but it can if we want it to.n trust me we want it bad so ima try my hardest n make my best effort to make this work.its an amazing friendship n if things are better this way then i accept it.you never know what life may throw at you..it threw me an amazing friend then a bf...then took away the bf..but left the amazing friend (make sense) well anyways point is it bf's come n go, but friends stay there for ever, n b4 being my bf he was my friend n still is n he aint going anywhere.lol.ima keep him close to me.lol.as you can tell life moves on n so should i.cant live in the past forever n hang on to something i never had n we both knew wasnt real.i can proudly say i lost a bf but not my bestfriendit hurts n the wounds are wide open, but im in the process of healing. so im moving outta brokenheartsville n on my way to neverland!!! HERE I COME PETERPAN!!!...or was that michael jackson...lol.
LATERZ GUYS!! / *anais
p.s ) to all my friends thanx for all the support guys luv ya (but not inda creepy johnny dept orlando bloom stalker kinda way.lol) bye

So I felt very good that I made her feel better. I love Anais (not in the lesbian way) and just want the best for her. It hurts me to see her in pain. I hate to feel so useless. I know that my friendship with Anais has mostly been a one way current, I have fierce loyalty to her (seriously, she could start a cult or fan club and I would be the first one in it!) and she seems to see me as a regular friend, nothing special. And yet, I always feel like she has given me so much and that I owe her so much in return. I feel like I haven't done enough for her as a friend. I feel I owe her so much. It's like if she gave my life new meaning. You know how thay say you'll find that one special person who will give meaning to your life and change it, change you? I think Anais is that person for me. I love her so much as a friend. She really is the person who has given my life meaning. No one has ever made me feel so welcomed and loved. And that is because she treats me like a normal friend! Imagine if I was her best friend; I'd die of a heart attack! Anais is an awesome friend and I feel so lucky to know her.

Aileen called me a few weeks back and asked me what myO name was. She's going to get a myO too soon. She's my best friend. We tell each other every thing. I feel like I owe her something too, but not as much as I feel I owe Anais. Everytime I think of Anais, I cry and wish I could make her feel better. It's really weird. If she was a man, I think I'd fall in love with her! haha! Anyway, school starts on the 15th of next month and I just realized how busy my summer has been. I have to study for a placement exam and study my vocabulary and literary terms, and I had a reading list (Ender's Shadow (which a truely awasome book! You all need to read it!), The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Teens, and The Hobbit or The Princess Bride). Then there's also shopping for new clothes so I can finally get rid of all my T-Shirts! XD IT had been pretty fun, but I haven't really seen any of my friends in a while. Oh yeah! I saw Aileen at the mall! We were both shopping for school clothes and we ran into each other at the vending machine next to the bathroom. It was so awesome to see her. It made the rest of my week brighten up. I miss my friends alot. I should call them and we could go to the movies, although most of them have projects they need to do for the incoming school year. Summer is really almost over. Just a little more and school will start. I just have four more years and then I'm off to college. I feel so old, yet so young. It's a little scary to thing of a new school, but I think I can handle it. I'm going to have to make a bunch of new friends, but who knows? Maybe I'll find more people who like anime. That's how I made my three closest friends the last time I went to a new school. We've changed a lot since I moved from that school back to my old one, and we're so far away, we don't keep in contact anymore.

Anyway, before I start moping over the past, I've been watching alot of music videos late an night lately. I love the Dixie Chicks in their video "NOt Ready to Make Nice". And I love "Over My Head (Cable Car)" by The Fray. The video really hits home for some reason. And "Hate Me" by Blue October. That is an awesome song. And I really feel I can relate to that one too, although I've never taken drugs or anything. And my favorite cousin, Nicholas, has been over a lot too. I love him cuz he's just so funny and cheerful. My mom said that some lady is going to come and train her on how to do some type of office work, and she's bringing her son with her and he's fifteen, and he's going to be hanging ou with me and Nicholas. I hope he has a good personality and maybe is cute too. Who knows? Maybe he'll like anime or fantasy books like me and we'll get along. hehe. I don't really want to go to school, but my brain is happiest when it has something to do, and it just rots away during the summer anyway. :D SO, I guess that's really all I got to say right now. I'll right more when I have time. I hope all of you have been having a great summer and that it gets even better! Bye!

~Blurr

P.S. My pink rabbit named Boo is my Peter Wiggin. It doesn't make sense, but you have to see it from my point of view and it eventually will! (He's in the dryer right now and isn't coming out till morning! He gonna be MAD!!! Xo)

Oh yeah, below is umm... I'm not sure what to call it, but I was a little sad for some reason and I just wrote and this is what came out. It amde me think the first time I actually read it, and I hope it'll make you think too! Only in a positive way! (No negitive spiral!)

To whom do I speak and to whom do I write to? Why do I feel so alone in this world? It is not that noone understands me, for I am sure that they understand me, but it is that noone tries to take the time to understand and comfort me. Noone cares about how I feel, although they say I am selfish and do not care about how they feel. So many contradictions, how can we live in such a troubled world? How can we go on with our existance knowing that each moment may bring more pain? Although each moment may also bring happiness, there is always that chance of pain. Pain does not last forever, but it can leave a void in you, a aching, biting pain that feels like its tearing and eating away at you. The pain is biting at me, tearing at my essence and I wish that someone would comfort me and tell my how to ease the pain. Tell me how to stop from hurting. How can I stop the pain from seeping into my soul, my very core, and hurting me where I can feel it the most? I have lost touch with the true myself and I can no longer feel what I am meant to feel. I can no longer feel the happiness I once did when I was young and would play with the younger children. How can I live my life without that happiness? How can I live knowing I lost the innocence of youth long ago by some cruel joke of fate? How can life ever be worth living again? Why do so many people put on a fake face so that others will think they are happy? Why do we choose to live like that? Why don't we just show what we are really like so that we can get help from those around us and try to regain the innocence that we once had? We should not try to hide ourselves away, because then we lose the pieces of our true selves, pieces that we may never be able to regain again. How does all this pain come to exist? How can we cause so much pain? How can we live with the pain? I don't understand how this pain can exist. Sometimes I think I don't want to know. The horror of the tragedies that cause the pain seems to be too much to bare. And there are people who feed off the tragedies of the world to benefit themselves when they can be out in the world making a difference and stopping the pain. The horrible, aching pain that tears at every soul in existance. The pain that causes tears to well-up in our eyes and fall to form the vast oceans and lakes. The tears that represent all the sorrows in the world. Every tear you shed is a new tragedy born in the world, weaved into the history of mankind. Can you live with all the tragedies, knowing you created some of them? Knowing you could help stop some of them, but you did nothing? Or are you one of the few people who actually helped to try to stop the pain? But will you ever truely be able to stop the pain? It will always be there as an aching hole in your heart, eating and tearing away at you.

I hate the pain that accompanies existance.

BYE! Best wishes!
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