Tuesday, November 6, 2007

Useless...
Ok so yesterday i was able to hang out with Justine... which was awesome, i was really happy.
i got to cook for her twice... and yeah, i liked that...

we also got to talk some more about what happened last week which was good... -_- *nods*

Oh and we watched viva la bam, which was great and gross at the same time... hahaha... *sigh*

but now for the bad stuffs...

she got in trouble for hanging out with me, and her mom mentioned that she might have her live with her dad, which would suck...

i dont know what i would do with myself if i didnt get to see her everday at school... and i know thats selfish and pathetic but i cant help it... the only reason why i'm able to wait is because i still get to see her...

i'm starting to have alot of respect for michelle and aimee, cause there just so much stronger then me...

im so fucking weak...

and i hate that so much...

i dont see how they do it... how they can get up every morning and laugh and go to school... i would probably just sit aound my house all day and cry all the fucking time...

and thats so stupid...

im so fucking retarded...

so yeah...

michelles going to kill me but...

i'm sorry...

...

bye...
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Sunday, November 4, 2007

Doubt...
I’m starting to hate weekends… it gives me way too much free time, and then I think… which as I’ve said many times before is never a good thing…

I’m starting to doubt everything… and I hate myself for it because it’s starting to hurt the people around me…

But I can’t help it… I can’t even imagine why someone would like me, let alone love me… there’s nothing good about me… and every time I see myself in a mirror it’s just that much harder to understand…

Everything makes sense when people hate me, I can come up with lots of reasons for why they wouldn’t like me…

So I’m sorry, and I know this is kinda random but… I just needed to say it… so maybe it won’t hurt people that much…

Um…

Yeah I don’t have much more to say…

Me and Justine are supposed to hang out tomorrow… so I REALLY hope that works out…

This whole thing feels weird… like, one moment I’m crying my eyes out cause I think she hates me, and the next I’m acting as if nothing happened…

Strange…

But in a way I don’t want to question it, cause I don’t want that to happen again… I don’t ever want to feel like that again…

So completely worthless…

It’s the worst feeling in the world, to not be needed…

But anyways, here are some pictures…













now for lyrics...

-Scars-

I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
My scars remind me that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel

Drunk and I'm feeling down
And I just wanna be alone
I'm pissed cause you came around
Why don't you just go home
Cause you channel all your pain
And I can't help you fix yourself
You're making me insane
All I can say is

[Chorus:]
I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
And our scars remind us that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel

I tried to help you once
Against my own advice
I saw you going down
But you never realized
That you're drowning in the water
So I offered you my hand
Compassions in my nature
Tonight is our last stand

[Chorus]

I'm drunk and I'm feeling down
And I just wanna be alone
You shouldn't ever came around
Why don't you just go home?
Cause you're drowning in the water
And I tried to grab your hand
And I left my heart open
But you didn't understand
But you didn't understand
Go fix yourself

I can't help you fix yourself
But at least I can say I tried
I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life
I can't help you fix yourself
But at least I can say I tried
I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life


Ok I guess I’ll go now…

I’m sorry…

bye
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Saturday, November 3, 2007

Saturday...
I gots glasses today...

But luckily they're only for reading and when I’m on the computer cause they look horrible on me...

Heeheehee, this is random but when I move my ears (yes I can move my ears) my glasses move to and its fun…

-__-

I also feel like shit, my throat hurts my nose is stuffy and it hurts to talk and swallow...

But at least now I can read without getting headaches right...

God I’m so glad I wont have to wear these in public...

I look so stupid...

*Sigh*

Whatever...

Over all I’m pretty good...

I’ve found out a few things about myself these past few days...

Like I’m really fragile/ I’m easily broken...

I over react/ freak out over little shit…

I’m a horrible person...

I’m selfish…(a lot more then I already thought I was)

I’m pathetic…(again more then I already thought I was)

Oh and I tend to think of a lot of romantic crap… just like random tacky sayings and shit… its really quite funny…

And I guess that’s it…

I wanna put up some pictures first and then I’ll go…



Yeah I got to push Justine around Walmart in a shopping cart… but I can’t find any good pics for it…

Oh well…





This is so not true for me…

One more and I’m done…



*sigh*… what someone will do to read…

Whatever…

I’ll survive…

Later peoples

~Apanda~

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Friday, November 2, 2007

Sorry...
First off i want to apologize to everyone for over reacting yesterday... i hate that i do that, its one of the things that my mom does... i guess i got that gene too...

so yeah...

i'm sorry...

Oh and I’m going to put my friend list back… sorry bout that too…

...

and i guess thats it... i dont really have any news...

...

i guess ill just put up pictures now...







this is random but I like holding hands...

yeah…







this is just cute…

…

yeah I guess I’m done now…

and again I’m sorry…

bye

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Thursday, November 1, 2007

Justine...
Today sucks… the rest of my life is going to suck… and apparently life is just so much better without friends…

Well I guess one good thing came out of this… I found out that everything was a fucking lie… I mean there’s no way it was true, cause there’s no way you would be able to just give up on me if you cared about me at all… so thanks for the fucking lies… for making me hope, and feel happy even if it was only for a few days…

I don’t understand…

I fucking said I’d wait…

What else do I fucking need to say…

FUCK…

Why did you even send me that fucking PM…

WHY?

Cause right now it just feels like your trying to kill me…

Cause that’s what’s going to happen…

I cant fucking live like this…

Damn it…

I don’t want to say this in a post but I’m to much of a pussy to say it to your face…

and I don’t feel like PMing you…

I’m Sorry…

I’m so fucking sorry…

And I know this sounds way to over dramatic, but I don’t care anymore… if you haven’t noticed that’s just the way I am… I’m over dramatic… but I guess it doesn’t matter… cause you don’t fucking care…

You don’t care…

And that hurts…

And I wish I couldn’t care…

But I’m not like that, I can’t not care, and I can’t forget…

So I’m sorry…

God your sitting right next to me and you know I’m crying but you don’t care… if that doesn’t say that you don’t care then I don’t know what the fuck would…

I’m sorry…

I guess, even though I kinda thought that everything you said in that PM was I lie, I was still hoping… which is so fucking stupid, you would think that I had learned to not do that anymore… cause its always just rubbed in my face later… but what you said… why?

Why did you even bother…

What the fuck?

Whatever…

…

I’m probably not going to post for a while…

And you might not see me for a while, if I don’t chicken out on what I plan to do when I get home… and no I’m not trying to get your pity… I mean hey it would probably be better for you right… if I wasn’t around…

and you know what, you cant say that you just don’t want friends and still talk and hang out with other people… the only person your not being friends with is me… you still fucking talk and act normal for everyone but me… what the fuck… just tell me straight out that its just me you don’t want to be friends with anymore…

whatever…

…

I’m sorry…

And even though I hate myself so much for being like this…

I’m still waiting…

Even if you hate me…

So I’m sorry…

I love you…

bye

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Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Trick or Treat?
...

Well my happy didnt last, it never does...

but whatever...

its becoming easier to get over it...

my sharp little friend has been coming in handy recently...

and my rubber band, i have a big welt on my wrist from snapping it so much...

I'm sorry... i know that none of you care.

and thats fine...

i dont care anymore either...

which is odd, you would think that sense i found my reason to live i would be a little happier...

i guess its just my doubt...

i still cant believe anything good anybody says to me...

which is fine, cause i'm probably right... nobody cares about me...

and i want to say that its fine and ill get over it but i probably wont get over it...

...

god i feel like i'm being so over dramatic...

but like i said before i dont care, i'm tired of trying to get people to like me...

Crap...

I'm Sorry...

i dont know why i'm doing this...

its probably just to here your lies again, to here people say that they do care... even though i know its not true, its the only thing keeping me alive... maybe thats why i want you to just tell me the truth, so i can finally just die and be happy...

I'm Sorry...

i'm really not being fair...

i'm such an asshole...

such a fucking bitch...

I'm sorry...

Ill leave now

...
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Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Good... I Think...
ive been in a pretty good mood lately...

not really sure why though...

its more like im content... if that makes sense...

so yeah...

now its time for random news...

yay...

...

i had to swim in gym today, and it was surprisingly fun... i had forgotten how much i loved swimming. i was actually sad when we had to leave...

but i really hate my hair now...

Hm...

i watched hostel 2 yesterday, and it kinda sucked...

sorry...

...

yeah... my life is really boring...

me sorry...

ill leave now

bye
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Monday, October 29, 2007

Host Club...
Best Freaking Anime Ever!

and thats all cause im going to go watch an episode now...

god i could watch the opening all day...
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Thursday, October 25, 2007

Angry!
I'm so fucking mad right now i am not having a good day...

today during gym we had to do the whole thing where you had to get your whole group over the string... and of course it involves lifting people, and im a fucking fat ass, nobody should be lifting me. but anyways i just got it over with and everything was fine... then we had to do it again except it was timed... so im like the last person to go, (i had to step on tonys back) and i get one leg over, but as i get my other leg over my fucking pant leg hits the rope. so i had to do it again, and again, and again, until i finally got it and then i just walked over to the was and elle (sp) came over and hugged me and i just started crying and saying i was sorry... it was so fucking stupid. its not like it was just the fact that i was embarassed about it, it was the fact that i was bringing everyone else down. i ruined it for the whole group... so after a while i told elle (sp) that i was going to the washroom for a sec and i asked her to tell our teacher... so i go to the bathroom and completely break down, and then one of our leaders comes in to talk to me, after a while she leaves and then she brings back 2 other girls... now this is just stupid, just leave me the fuck alone so i can calm myself down wash my face off and come back to class on my own. what the fuck, i doubt anyone wants 3 girls that they dont know talking to you and trying to cheer you up enough to come back to class and not quit the damn class... i was so pissed, if anything that was more embarassing then anything...

so yeah, after i got myself cleaned up i had to go talk to my teacher and i guess im not going to change classes yet... i would be even madder at myself if i quit...

so yeah... now i have the constant feeling that im going to start crying, its like if i just sit and do nothing im going to cry... and its surprisingly hard to keep yourself busy at school...

so whatever...

im also angry cause i just wasted 10 to 15 minutes of my lunch in the fucking office... god i hate being a kid, cause i was waiting there but then another teacher went ahead of me, and im just like what the fuck...

im just really upset right now and i really want a nice long hug, but i know ill start crying so... i dont know what i want...

i guess it doesnt matter....

later...
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Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Quick Post...
Hi...

yeah i dont have much to say other then i'm kinda happy...

i woke up this morning actually wanting to come to shcool, which is weird...

nothing really exciting has happened today.

...

i just read michelles post and now i'm kinda sad...

i dont know what to do anymore...

all i can do is wait and see what happens...

i'm no good at helping people...

god i suck...

but surprisingly im still kinda happy, its like nothing can break the way im feeling...

and i like it, ive never really thought about being happy. ive always just thought about being sad and alone my whole life. and now i feel like theres hope for me... its hard to explain.

and the bell just went...

bye
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