Monday, October 22, 2007

What’s Wrong With Me?
So i went to 6 flags on Saturday, and it sucked for me but everyone else had a great time... but it was my fault that I was sad... i excluded myself... and i felt like a bitch the whole time...

Anyways i had a lot of thinking time, (which is never good) and i basically just remembered that i don’t have a chance... which probably doesn’t make sense to any of you guys but it really means a lot to me... so yeah, i was really depressed... and i was trying not to cry the whole time... although that didn’t work out, whenever nobody was looking i kinda let some tears flow... then i would freak out cause i didn’t want anyone to notice... god I’m an idiot...

I was also cramping the whole day… L

Anyways now for today...
Well today sucked, i cried some at school, like in drivers I cried a lot cause the lights were off, and then on the bus I cried a LOT... (Sorry bout that Michelle)

And its hard to explain why... its going to sound like stupid reasons cause i don’t have much time but whatever... today i decided i wasn’t going to hug anybody cause it seems like that’s all i ever do, i hug people, so i wanted to see if anyone else would start the hug first... cause it seems like unless i start it, it wont happen... so yeah, but then i felt bad... and i ended up hugging a few people... so whatever... the experiment has failed...

This is random but i just feel like nobody cares about me... like maybe sense they don’t hug me first maybe they just don’t want a hug from me, but i don’t want to just stop hugging people cause then I’d be sad all the fucking time… hugs are really the only things that make me happy, so today I was miserable… that and I think I upset Justine… which if its even possible made me feel even worse…

There are a few other things that are bothering me but I don’t think I should put them up…

So I’m not going to…

I guess if you really wanna know you can just PM me or something…

But you’ll just think I’m an idiot…

Anyways, I have one more random thing to say/ask…

And this is it…

Ok so this might sound stupid, selfish, and conceited but whatever…

You know how I always say that I’m a fat ugly chick and my personality sucks? And that whenever I say that everyone’s always like, “no, that’s not true” and crap like that. Well if that’s true and all, what the hell IS wrong with me, cause there has to be something… cause if not, then why cant I get anyone to fall in love with me… why cant I get a girlfriend? Everybody says I’m such a great person… so what the hell… I mean if this isn’t proof of everyone lying to me then I don’t know what is…

So yeah…

I’m sorry…

But that’s how I feel…

God I feel like such a bitch and I hate it, I hate feeling this way… it makes me angrier and sadder…

And it hurts…

It hurts me to feel and think this way, like I have no faith in my friends… but I just don’t feel like I can trust them anymore, like sometimes they talk about other people that are in our group, do they talk about me too when I’m not there, do they just pretend to like me and when I walk away do they say shit about me, they do it to other people so why not me… and I hate that I think this way… but I just cant help it…


So I’m sorry…


…

























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Friday, October 19, 2007

Its Friday!
Hi!

yeah i really dont have anything to say...

im just bored...

so i guess ill just put up pictures, and if i think of something to say ill add it in...



Rachel wants us all to go to canada when we graduate... ^_^



I really need to start studying and shit, otherwise im going to fail... *sigh*



i wish i could be born like that... heh



... i just like this pic...

yeah i think ill just do one more and leave...



Heeheehee...

bye-bye
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Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Sorry About This...
I know I already posted today, but I’m really pissed off right now and I wrote some crap so I thought I’d just put it up here…

I want to apologize ahead of time…

So I’m sorry…

Here is the crap…

Can someone please tell me the point of living?
Because I really don’t know anymore. I don’t know anything. It used to be because my friends were here, but now all I hear are lies. Everything they say, it’s like none of its real anymore. I hear their kind words but at the same time something’s telling me that they’re all lies. That they’re just being nice to me. That inside they’re laughing at me and thinking about all my faults. And it’s making me miserable. But there’s nothing I can do, I can’t not think like this. Cause there’s nothing good about me. There’s no reason for people to like or love me. I mean I used to be happy that they lied to me. It made me feel needed and loved, but now it just pisses me off.

Why the hell can’t they just say it to my face?
Why don’t they hate me?
Why do they waste there time with someone as worthless as me?

I mean if its just because you don’t know how to tell me that’s fine, just come up and tell me you hate my guts, or if you don’t want to be that mean you could just say you don’t want to be my friend anymore, its that easy. No harm done. God this is stupid. Even this crap that I’m writing right now, this is a waste of your time, and you shouldn’t even be reading this shit. I’m so fucking pathetic, so pathetic…

So what’s the point in living if you think nobody cares. I should just go ahead and kill myself and make everybody else’s lives easier. No, that’s giving myself to much credit. I’m not going to kill myself to make it easier for them; I’ll kill myself for myself. I wouldn’t want to put that on them. Heh, this is starting to sound like a suicide note. God I wish it was, I wish I were strong enough to just kill myself, but I’m not, I’m fucking weak. You know I could never actually cut my wrists, because I was always afraid I would go to deep. Isn’t that pathetic, come on you all know it is. The stupid cutter cant even fucking cut her own wrists. What the fuck is wrong with me. I mean sure now I have the excuse that my mom will see it but even if that weren’t true, I still wouldn’t. I’ve always cut my upper arms and legs, and when my mom started checking those areas I moved to my stomach, and now she checks there too. I mean what the fuck is wrong with cutting anyways. As long as I’m not going to kill myself I don’t see the problem, and it’s not like I’m hurting anyone else by doing it, cause nobody cares. I’m only hurting myself, and I don’t see anything wrong with that. And even if I were to try to kill myself, what right does anyone have to stop me, if I want to die then fucking let me die. It’s none of there business.
Anyways back to the point, what’s the point in living? Cause if there isn’t one then what’s the point. God this is so stupid, I was going to put this on myotaku, but I wont get any REAL reasons. They’ll just tell me more lies, and for a while I’ll consider them. But after a while I’ll be right back where I started. But I guess there’s no point in writing this unless I put it up. Cause then its just a waste of my time. God I’m such a selfish bitch, I know it’s going to make people sad if I put it up but I really don’t care. Cause they wont stop fucking lying to me. I just don’t understand there reasoning.

What do they get out of lying to me?
They’d be better off just ignoring me. Right! I’m right, right.
Could somebody please just tell me why?
Why do you claim to like me?
There isn’t one good thing about me, so why?

I don’t fucking understand.

So please, will you tell me why I should keep on living?

Please?


Lyrics…


"Firefly"

You my friend
You're a lot like them
But I caught your lie
And you know I did
Now I'm lost in you
Like I always do
And I'd die to win
'Cause I'm born to lose

[Chorus:]
Firefly
Could you shine your light
Now I know your ways
'cause they're just like mine
Now I'm justified
As I fall in line
And it's hard to try
When you're open wide

Take my hand
We'll be off and then
We'll come back again
To a different land
Now I like this way
You can go away
If you guess the name
You cannot replace

[Chorus]

Bring me your enemies
Lay them before me
And walk away

[Chorus]

Fuck you firefly
Have you lost your light
Now I hate your ways
'cause they're just like mine
So you lost my friend
Such a sorry end
And I don't know why
So I choke and smile

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Thank God For Late Starts!
Ok so maybe not god... but someone.

-__-

So hi, its 8:15 in the morning and I’ve got nothing better to do so I thought id put up a post...

So yeah...

...

How are you guys doing?

hahaha

God I’m an idiot...

Hm, well I’ve been in a pretty good mood lately. As you can probably tell from my last few posts...

And I’m pretty sure I know why, but I really don’t feel like explaining that right now...

So HA!

hahahaha

Anyways, the reason I came on the Internet is because I wanted to find some lyrics to a music video I just saw on vh1...

And I foundeded them...

But I kinda don’t wanna put them up, because it’s... well people will think I’m meaning something by it when really I’m not. I just really liked the song is all... but even though I say that I’m not so sure if even i believe me...

Confusing isn’t it...

*sigh*

Well I guess ill put it up...

It doesn’t really matter; I’m probably just over reacting...

hahaha... *sigh*

So here it is...

A FINE FRENZY

"Almost Lover"

Your fingertips across my skin
The palm trees swaying in the wind
Images

You sang me Spanish lullabies
The sweetest sadness in your eyes
Clever trick

I never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
I should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

We walked along a crowded street
You took my hand and danced with me
Images

And when you left you kissed my lips
You told me you'd never ever forget these images, no

I never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
I should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

I cannot go to the ocean
I cannot drive the streets at night
I cannot wake up in the morning
Without you on my mind
So you're gone and I'm haunted
And I bet you are just fine
Did I make it that easy
To walk right in and out of my life?

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
I should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do


So yeah...

I'm sorry...

:(

I really am just an idiot...

...

But whatever...

Next topic...

I’ve actually been able to remember my dreams lately... usually i cant remember anything, but now I can remember most of it...

So me is happy, even though most of my dreams are making me sad...

It’s a step up right...

Well I think so...

...Yeah sorry but I’m not going to talk about the actual dreams, I think it would make some people uncomfortable... and no its not dirty dreams, just sad... well no, that’s not right... the dreams are happy, if that makes sense... there great, I wish that my dream worlds were real and my real world was a dream... the part that makes me sad is because in my dream, by the end of it, i start believing that its real... ha, you see I keep a journal kinda thing and in the dream i even think about what I’m going to write in it... cause I always put really depressing stuff in it and really happy stuff in it... so when I wake up and I realize that its not real, I get really sad... this morning I actually started crying... which I know is pathetic, but I just couldn’t help it... it was just so depressing, to find out that the world that I was just in wasn’t real, and that id probably never be that happy in real life...

So yeah...

Heres some pictures...









I’m sorry...

Next topic...

If I can think of one that is...

Oh, I got to drive in the dark yesterday… from the library to home. I was like freaking out the whole time…

Yeah me is going to go now…

Bye-bye

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Tuesday, October 16, 2007

   ... ive got nothing better to do...
Hi!

ok so right now im in the mac room (computers) and its usually really quiet in here, but a whole bunch of guys just came in and there kinda loud...

me is scared...

o_O

Hmm, yeah nothing really exciting has happened today...

i did see my history teacher and she acted as if nothing was wrong... so im no sure how i feel about that...

and i have history next period...

Wahhh...

i REALLY dont wanna go... and i kinda wanna just glare at her the whole time but i know ill be to scared too... damn me...

...

im kinda hungry...

yeah...

me is bored and annoyed...

i really hate the song there playing...

-__-

...

Uhh...

oh yeah...

this satuday im supposed to go to 6 flags with Tony, Justine, and some other people... so i hope that works out... ^__^

...

oh yeah i was going to put up lyrics...

so here they are...

please read...

MY CHEMICAL ROMANCE LYRICS

"I'm Not Okay (I Promise)"

Well if you wanted honesty, that's all you had to say.
I never want to let you down or have you go, it's better off this way.
For all the dirty looks, the photographs your boyfriend took,
Remember when you broke your foot from jumping out the second floor?

I'm not okay
I'm not okay
I'm not okay
You wear me out

What will it take to show you that it's not the life it seems?
(I'm not okay)
I've told you time and time again you sing the words but don't know what it means
(I'm not okay)
To be a joke and look, another line without a hook
I held you close as we both shook for the last time take a good hard look!

I'm not okay
I'm not okay
I'm not okay
You wear me out

Forget about the dirty looks
The photographs your boyfriend took
You said you read me like a book, but the pages all are torn and frayed

I'm okay
I'm okay!
I'm okay, now
(I'm okay, now)

But you really need to listen to me
Because I'm telling you the truth
I mean this, I'm okay!
(Trust Me)

I'm not okay
I'm not okay
Well, I'm not okay
I'm not o-fucking-kay
I'm not okay
I'm not okay
(Okay)

yeah i think that kinda fits everyone... cause we all say were okay but we all know were really not...

nobodys okay...

god i REALLY hate the song there playing...

its so fucking stupid...

...

hahahahah... Justine just showed me this thing on the computer and its really funny...

Hm, i kinda wish i would have taken that class... it looks like fun... -__-

but thats ok...

Oh, i just remembered i actually made something in art today, on the spiny thingy... and i was like REALLY happy...

^__^

so yeah...

the whole thing is like a clay panda holding up a plate like thing... and i think im actually doing a pretty good job...

which is shocking...

cause i never like anything that i do/make...

so yay me...

god i cant believe i just said that...

hahahahaha...

wow im in a pretty good mood today...

although its going to be gone by next period...

*sigh*

i really am scared...

there are lots of dot, dot, dots...

hahaha

Hm...

yeah i guess im done now...

for those of you who read all of this, i am very proud of you... i know it must have been hard...

so yeah...

bye-bye
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Monday, October 15, 2007

Me is in a pretty good mood... ^__^
Hello people!

Today was... ok...

School sucked but after school was great... ^__^

Ok so this morning i woke up depressed because of a dream i had... and its actually a really stupid reason so im not going to tell you about it...

sorry...

ok so school... school, school, school...

hahaha...

yeah the morning was fine i guess, except for the usual crap that always bothers me... which we also wont get into...

...

HISTORY CLASS...

i already fucking hate this class to begin with... now i hate it even more... ok so today we did the usual notes and crap, and then we watched a movie... so i thought it was the perfect time to work on this yuri story that ive been writing... so i read over the first 3 lines at most and i see her walking over to me so i start closing it and she grabs it... now im freaking out cause its at a dirty part... so i tell her not to read it... and of course she doesnt answer... so i watch her and she puts it in her desk... so im like convolsing the rest of the period... and at the end i ask her for it and she wont fucking give it to me... so i ask her if i can just rip it up and throw it out right there and she says no "no ill take care of it later"... but she promised not to read it... that she was going to throw it out... but then why didnt she just let me throw it out right there... what the fuck... so i ended up crying as i walked out of the room, which is so fucking pathetic... i mean i kinda laughed about it earlier but im still really worried about it...

*sigh*

anyways... yeah the rest of the school day was boring...

but then after school i got to walk to get applications with Justine... which was REALLY fun... no matter how boring that sounds... hahaha

but seriously, i had a really good time, it was probably one of the happiest moments ive had for a while now... ^__^

so yeah...

me is happy...

...

oh and heres a random avatar that i think is funny...



thats so fucking true... hahaha

and me is going now...

bye-bye and goodnight...





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Friday, October 12, 2007

Could Someone Just Punch Me In The Face?
I'm such a fucking baby... and i'm so selfish its not even funny...

anyway here are some shitty poems i wrote...

-Greatest Pleasure-

I want you to hurt me
Make me feel your hatred
Hit me
And curse me
Just please don’t ignore me
Make me see that I’m needed
If only for your own pleasure
Let me feel real
Take away the numbness
I need to be wanted
Even if it’s to beat me
Or kill me
To know that I was useful to you
Is my greatest pleasure
So please don’t leave me.

Karina said she really liked this one... but i dont know why cause its fucking crap...

-Cut Out My Heart-

I drag my razor over my heart
It’s not enough
I watch as the blood drips down my chest
Why isn’t it working
I cry and plead for the pain
The release isn’t there
I cut open my heart
Why wont you stop
I punch and scratch at the beating organ
Please stop working
I curse at it
And beg for my life to end.

-Life Vs. Death-

Death
It seems so simple
So easy to find
But so hard to get
You can look it in the eye
Even talk to it awhile
And never reach it
Why is it so hard
When you see the dark engulf you
And feel its cold touch
Why do I look away
When the end is so close
So close that I can feel the pain drip off me
And all my thoughts
All my questions
Seem so far away
And I know that it’s over
That I’ll never be hurt again
So why do I look back
Why do I always go back to the light
Back to the burning sun
Where all my fears are
And all the pain comes back
Why do I choose life
When death seems so much better.


sorry for making you read my shit...

now for some lyrics...

"Evil Angel"

Hold it together, birds of a feather,
Nothing but lies and crooked wings.
I have the answer, spreading the cancer,
You are the faith inside me.

No, don't
Leave me to die here,
Help me survive here.
Alone, don't remember, remember.

[Chorus:]
Put me to sleep evil angel.
Open your wings evil angel.

A-ah.

I'm a believer,
Nothing could be worse,
All these imaginary friends.
Hiding betrayal,
Driving the nail,
Hoping to find a savior.

No, don't
Leave me to die here,
Help me survive here.
Alone, don't
Surrender, surrender.

[Chorus]

Oh.
Fly over me evil angel.
Why can't I breathe evil angel?

[Chorus]

Oh.
Fly over me evil angel.
Why can't I breathe evil angel?

i really like this song...

now for some fucked up suicidal/depressed pictures...

joy...



thats a fucking lie, you cant just will pain away... its fucking impossible...



thats a cool idea...







Hahahaha... ok so ive been trying to get my hands on some drugs for a while now, and theres alot of people who ask why... well im fucking going to tell you why... its cause all the druggies seem so fucking happy, they get high and they get to forget... well i wanna forget to... i want to forget everything even if its only for a moment... i wanna be able to be happy for real... im tired of faking it... its to fucking hard...





this reminds me of the last avatar justine had for me...

except it said goodnight...



thats so fucking true...

I just want a fucking hug... is that to much to ask for... cause if it is just fucking tell me... cause i really wanna know...

And if anyone can tell me why i fucking hurt so much all the time that would help too... cause i dont think i can fucking take it anymore...

im such a fucking baby...

and im so fucking pathetic...

its not like any of you are going to know what to do or say... why, you probably wont even FUCKING COMMENT... so what the fuck does it matter...


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Wednesday, October 10, 2007

Remember... Pandas are Naturally Fat...
Hi…

Yeah I’m not really sure what to talk about… I’m basically having the same problem Justine is having so just go on her site to find out… the whole Mary crap…

So yeah...

Heres some Lyrics...

"Until The End"

So clever,
Whatever,
I'm done with these endeavors.
Alone I walk the winding way.
(Here I stay)
It's over,
No longer,
I feel it growing stronger.
I'll live to die another day,
Until I fade away.

[Chorus:]
Why give up, why give in?
It's not enough, it never is.
So I will go on until the end.
We've become desolate.
It's not enough, it never is.
But I will go on until the end.

Surround me;
It's easy
To fall apart completely.
I feel you creeping up again.
(In my head)
It's over,
No longer,
I feel it growing colder.
I knew this day would come to end,
So let this life begin.

[Chorus]

I've lost my way.
I've lost my way, but I will go on until the end.

Living is hard enough
Without you fucking up.

[Chorus]

I've lost my way.
I've lost my way, but I will go on until the end.

U-uh, u-uh

The final fight I'll win,
The final fight I'll win,
The final fight I'll win,
But I will go on until the end.


I'm in a Panda mood so I'm going to put up some Panda pics now...







This one is like perfect but kinda creepy…



So Cute…



Yeah I’ve noticed lately that all I want are hugs, that’s all I ever think about… is just to be able to hold someone for a long time… a loving hug… that’s all I really need right now…





Yep…





One more and I’ll be done…



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Sunday, October 7, 2007

Homecoming SUCKED!
Yeah, I was like depressed the whole fucking time... it was so stupid, i wanted to leave like 30 minutes into the it... im such an idiot, i dont even know why i went... i cant fuckin dance... and most of the music sucked... not like that was a big suprise though...

god what a waste of 10 bucks...

*sigh*

well im bored so im going to talk about it... so for those of you who dont want to hear about it just go away... i dont fuckin care anymore...

first off i went in a suit thingy and i dont care what anyone says i looked like shit... so that right there started the night off bad...
and
Justine wasnt able to come so that sucked...
Mary was so fuckin annoying and kept taking Michelle away so i wasnt able to spend much time with her... mike disapeared and i only saw him for like 1 minute every 50 minutes... amber was with her date so i didnt want to bother them... tony was dancing alot so i kinda stayed away from him because i felt like an idiot just standing there... rachel was with E-man most of the night... every once in a while she would come over and hug me... but that just made me feel worse, cause i felt pathetic... i did spend some time with ashley thought, but she kept trying to get me to dance...
over all i just stood/sat by the wall the whole time... which was fine i guess...
Oh and heres something exciting,(this is going to be a long explanation)...

ok so most of the night i just stood by Maria... (i think thats her name...) cause she was by the wall and not dancing and shit and even though my night was sucking i thought i might be able to cheer her up some... so yeah... after a while she asked me why i came, (cause i guess i was complaining about how i shouldnt have come.) and i told her it was because Justine was going to be there... then i dont really remember what we talked about or if we talked at all... i know we were messing around with some other peoples stuff because it was just laying there and we had nothing better to do... but after a while i asked her why she had come... (because she was just as miserable as i was) and she got all defencive and shit... and she said she couldnt tell me... so of course im going to bother her about it... so after about 30 minutes of begging she finally said that if she told me she would have to tell me who she liked... so of course now i really wanted to know... so i asked if i guessed the person would she tell me if i was right and she said yes... so first i asked if it was a girl and she said yes... then i asked if it was someone i knew and she said yes... so of coure the first person i guessed was Tony... hahahahahaha...

then i got seriouse and started naming names... and i hate to admit it but i kinda thought it was me, but i didnt want to say that... so i mentioned a few more names and Amanda Hall, except i didnt say Hall... and at first she said no but then she was like wait which Amanda and i was like HA! and she got quiet and i said sorry... and i was all like trying to make it less awkward... and im not sure if it worked or not...

so yeah...

it was REALLY weird and the whole time after that i was trying to figure out why... not by asking her just like in my head... cause its defiantly not my looks... (cause im ugly as hell)... and she doesnt really know me that well so the whole personality thing doesnt really work... so now im really confused... unless shes just REALLY desperate or something... maybe it was a dare... yeah that would make sense...

*sigh*

Me so confused...

now i know how it feels to be the person who is liked and i dont like it... so im sorry...

on a different note they played the Girlfriend song so i called Justine... (the reason why is odd so im not going to explain that)... and yeah she didnt pick up so i left her a message and let her here the song... although im not sure how it will sound cause it was so fuckin loud...

so yeah...

Um, about halfway through the last song which was lips of an angel, Maria asked me to slow dance and i said i didnt know how and she said she didnt either so i was like crap what do i do... so i just said sure and we walk over to where the other people were dancing and she put her arms around my neck and i put my hands on her sides and we danced... we were really quiet and i got nervous so i told her about how the song was actually about someone cheating and that it was weird for people to be slow dancing to it... and i dont remember exactly what she said but she did mention that she didnt usually listen to this kind of music...

so yeah, when the song ended we hugged and said by... and we walked away from each other... i said by to other people and i left and called my mom and when i got home i went to bed...

The End...











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Saturday, October 6, 2007

Homecoming is today...
Ok so yesterday I went to the football game and it kinda sucked… there were a few fun parts but yeah… over all it was really depressing…

And fucking emotional…

There was crying there was laughing there was arguing there was anger and hate and love and confusion…

Yeah…

It was pretty fucked up…

And I got really mad at this girl named Mary… and I probably shouldn’t try to explain it but when has that ever stopped me…

She claims her heart was broken because she found out that the girl she likes already has a girlfriend, but she’s only known this girl for about 2 weeks and she doesn’t really even know her… you know… like you can say hi to a person and talk to them about random shit at school but you don’t actually know that person… and I know this sounds mean and all but I just wanted to yell at her… to tell her that what she’s feeling isn’t half of what it could be… other people have it so much worse then that… and I know that sounds selfish but… that’s just the way I feel… and I’m not even just talking about myself… I know a lot of people who have it much worse then that… so much worse…

So I’m sorry for being selfish and mean…

I feel horrible for thinking this way but I just cant help is…

I’m sorry…

Bye…

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