Monday, September 10, 2007

Shit...
Well my weekend was alright, but for reasons I wont explain ever sense Saturday I’ve been really depressed…
So yeah, I wrote 3 depressing poems that I’m now going to show you…

They are crap…

- Nothing Matters -

I’m giving up on life
Like everything else
It’s just a waste of time
And energy
My love
And feelings mean nothing
There worthless to me
And everyone around me
They just bring pity
And false love
And I don’t want that
I don’t need anyone
I’m fine on my own
All by myself
Until I die…

- ……… -

When I die
No one will cry
They won’t even notice
The empty space in the room
That sad little girl
Who tried so hard
Won’t be remembered
They won’t even care
Cause all those words
The sweet lies they told
Meant nothing to them
But everything to me
So here I go
I’ll let you be
I’ll take my life
And you’ll be free…

- My World -

The acid is rising
As I put on my face
Thinking about
The rest of the day
All there fake words
Cold hugs
Happy faces
They make me feel sick
With all of this kindness
And because of them
I can’t be real
But still I love them
It’s impossible to hate them
Or maybe it’s just
Me being selfish
Cause I cant let them go
I’ve grown to attached
And I don’t want to go back
To that sad little me
That lonely little girl
With no one to love
I won’t go back…

Yeah I’m sorry…

I’m a fuckin idiot…

I’m just really mad at myself for not realizing that I don’t have a chance…

A chance for anything…

So I guess I’ll go now…

........
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Thursday, September 6, 2007

I Hate My Life...
Hi…
Ok so yesterday I ran away from home again… cause I’m an idiot… I wont get into detail but it had to do with my grades and what I want to do with my life… so yeah, I walked to my older sisters place and it took me about 4 hours cause I fuckin got lost and had to ask for directions like 5 times… god I’m such a loser…

So yeah, I got there and told her what was going on… then we decided to call our mom to tell her I’m safe and to come pick me up… (Don’t ask)…

Ok this is random but I just looked at my last post and I had no comments… I mean I understand that sometimes people just don’t know what to say, but you could at lease say that you read it and tell me that you don’t know what to say…

Sorry…

Back to yesterday…
Ok so I got home and I had to talk to a stupid male cop and it did nothing, nothing was different… and I said this when he left. So I guess my mom finally gave up on being stubborn cause I’m not grounded now, and I guess everything’s ok now…

Yeah…

Now for today, nothing special happened… right…

Well I did write some poems…

So I’m putting them up…

Mwahahahahaha…


-Friends-
Talking to much
Or not at all
What’s wrong with this scene
Where are your hearts
One sad and angry
The other
Just good at faking it
Why can’t you see
You’re losing your best friend
Why don’t you realize
That hearts can mend

Yeah… I know it sucks but I think I got the point across…

Next…

- J -
She puts on her smile
That bright and happy face
She wears her mask well
Through each passing day
But her mask is flawed
Like everyone else
You can’t hide your eyes
And the truth leaks out
So pull off your mask
And stand your ground

Yeah this is so fuckin obvious… but whatever…

…

Ok so I’m guessing you guys already know what’s going on… the whole title being J thing isn’t all that clever… anyways I was going to also write one for M… hahaha… but I’m out of time, so I’ll put that up later… sorry M… hahaha… its so obvious…

So yeah…

That’s all folks…

Hahaha…

*Sigh*

me goes now…

bye…

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Wednesday, September 5, 2007

My Mom Sucks!
Ok, so yesterday my mom grounded me for the entire school year… yeah… I’m not aloud to hang out with anybody after school, I’m cant call anybody until she’s home and even then I can’t talk for to long… and I’m not aloud to use the internet or the computer at all… luckily I can still go on at school…

Yeah, o I guess I should tell you why she’s destroying my life… its because… well… let me explain some stuff first…

I’m not going to collage. I don’t like school and even if I did there’s no way any school would take me… so I decided that it’s a waste of time to get any higher then a Din school… I mean seriously, what’s the point. D is passing, and I can still graduate…

So yeah… she doesn’t agree… she keeps saying that she’s paying for my education and I’m going to school to learn not just hang out with my friends… I get that… really I do… but she kinda has to pay for school, she doesn’t have a choice…

And I was surprisingly calm during all of this…

But then I started crying when she left… I don’t know what I’m going to do without my friends… and I warned her that if I get REALLY depressed and kill myself its her fault… she took that as a threat… hahaha… yeah… she’s such a jerk…

So yeah, that was my night… I actually wanna talk more but the bell is going to ring soon…

…

oh I got the other michelle branch CD from the library… and I knew like 3 songs on it…

oh yeah I wanted to put up lyrics…

Turn it inside out so I can see
The part of you that's drifting over me
And when I wake you're never there
But when I sleep you're everywhere
You're everywhere

Just tell me how I got this far
Just tell me why you're here and who you are
'Cause every time I look
you're never there
And every time I sleep
you're always there

'Cause you're everywhere to me
And when I close my eyes it's you I see
You're everything I know
that makes me believe
I'm not alone
I'm not alone

I recognize the way you make me feel
It's hard to think that
you might not be real
I sense it now, the water's getting deep
I try to wash the pain away from me
Away from me

'Cause you're everywhere to me
And when I close my eyes it's you I see
You're everything I know
that makes me believe
I'm not alone
I'm not alone

I am not alone
Whoa, oh, oooh, oh

And when I touch your hand
It's then I understand
The beauty that's within
It's now that we begin
You always light my way
I hope there never comes a day
No matter where I go
I always feel you so

'Cause you're everywhere to me
And when I close my eyes it's you I see
You're everything I know
that makes me believe
I'm not alone
'Cause you're everywhere to me
And when I catch my breath
it's you I breathe
You're everything I know
that makes me believe
I'm not alone

You're in everyone I see
So tell me
Do you see me?

Yeah I like started crying when I heard this song… and it was the first song on the CD so I cried through the whole CD… which sucks because now every time I hear that song I get sad… and it’s a really good song…

Yeah I’m going now…

Bye-bye

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Tuesday, September 4, 2007

Hopefulness Gone
See, I told you it wouldn’t last long…
And as always it’s my fault… All mine… Like always…
But this time they actually know it’s my fault…

I’m sorry…

I’m so fucking sorry…

And if you have no idea what I’m talking about I’m sorry for that too…

God I’m such an idiot…

Such a fucking moron…

See, it’s not worth it…

Being alive and hurting the people you love… it’s just not worth it…

I really need to die…

I’ve hurt so many people… and the list just keeps getting bigger and bigger…

Damn it…

…

I’m sorry…

This is so stupid…

You guys should disown me or something…

But tell me first ok… cause if I just keep hanging around and you all hate me I’ll feel even stupider… so just tell me that you want me gone and I’ll leave… Forever…

God that’s pathetic…

I’m being really over dramatic…

So fucking stupid…

Somebody please kill me… just beat me to death or something… stab me… hang me… anything but letting me live… no, that’s wrong… anything then making me stay here… the only place I deserve to be right now is hell… yeah, that’s right… hell would be perfect for me right now…

*sigh*

I’m still being way too dramatic…

But I’m only saying what I really want…

What I wish for every second of the day…

But wishes don’t come true… neither do dreams, or hopes…

There all pointless…

So fucking pointless…

I’m sorry…

The moment I said it… I just…

No, I won’t run away from this…

It’s my fault and I’ll take the blame for it… so blame me… Please…

Yell at me; tell me I’m a fool… and that you hate me… Please…

Just don’t ignore me… I can’t take that… I’d rather be yelled at then be ignored…

Damn it… I can’t see the keyboard… stupid tears…

I’m sorry…

Now it sounds like I’m just trying to make you feel bad… but I’m not… I promise…

Cause I don’t want pity…

I’m better off without it… without anything…

So yeah…

I think I’ve just about got everything out…

…

Let’s see if I can find any pictures that match how I’m feeling right now…





Well I guess that’s it…

…



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Monday, September 3, 2007

Labor Day...
Hello...

Well last night Rachel and Michelle slept over...

And yeah, it was all right...

I like sleeping over at other peoples places cause i never have anything to do...

So yeah...

...

i also went driving today, and i got to actually go through lights and stuff... The only bad thing that happened was a police car drove by with its lights on and i thought maybe i had done something wrong, but it just drove past me... i was like freaking out...

Hmm, i also tried to hang out with Justine today but she didnt pick up her phone... which is fine, cause i get to see her tomorrow...

Oh, i also got to hang out with the asian today, but only for a little while casue she had homework... so yeah...

...

yeah i think ill do pictures now...

YAY!



I wish this was about a girl...



Yep...



Hmm?





i kinda want this one as my avatar...



........



Yes, it does...



...



... no comment...



So true...



i feel like an idiot putting all these stupid avatars up...



yeah i think ill stop now... im just making myself look more and more pathetic...

whatever...

bye
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Sunday, September 2, 2007

Pretty Much Happy
Hello...

Yeah, right now I’m in one of my hopeful moods, and I keep expecting for it to just fall apart like it always does...

Hmm...

Well I wrote a poem a little while ago so I’m going to put it up okay...

Ok...

-Lie-
Lie to me
Tell me that you love me
And let me hold you
Just for a while
Please just lie
Talk to me
Be my friend
Make me believe
That it’s ok for me
To be alive
To breathe your air
To look
And to touch you
Lie
And tell me its ok to hug you
To touch your lips
With my dirty mouth
And feel your warmth
If only for a moment
Please just lie…



So yeah… I’m sorry for making you guys read my crap all the time…


Um, tomorrow Michelle and Rachel are sleeping over… so that should be fun.

…

Yeah I don’t really have anything to talk about…

…

Yesterday I went to the palatine football game with a bunch of my friends… hahaha we were all really horny… Well everyone but Ashley… hahaha…
I’m not really sure why but every time I was in physical contact with somebody… well I wont explain that… sorry… you guys probably don’t wanna know about that… hahaha…

Hmm, after the game we went to Tony’s house and watched some crazy ass show… Michelle mad me sit on her for like 10 minutes… god I was so embarrassed… I just feel really fat whenever I do that kinda thing… so after that we switched places and she sat on me… which is always fun… hahaha…

…

Yeah I guess I’m done now…

Time for pictures…

Mwahahahaha…









So Cute…



…One more…



Ok me go now…

Bye-bye

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Thursday, August 30, 2007

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Yeah... last night I was great, I was beyond great... but not now... now i feel like shit... I¡¯m so fucking... I don¡¯t even know this feeling...

.............

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I can¡¯t think right now¡¦

Whatever¡¦

I wrote some crap last night so I¡¯m going to put it up¡¦

Yeah¡¦

¡¦¡¦¡¦

-Ill Never Know-

A poem of sex
Hot pleasure
Soft touches
Sweet kisses
Bodies pressed together
Things I¡¯ll never know
That I can¡¯t even imagine
Because this grotesque body
This hideous face
Won¡¯t let me love you
The way I want to love you

Yeah I know its fucking crap but I don¡¯t care¡¦ its true¡¦ everything I say about myself¡¦ its all TRUE¡¦

God I¡¯m so¡¦. GRAHHH¡¦.

Well the bell is going to ring soon so I¡¯m going now¡¦

And when I turn 18 I¡¯m getting a gun and killing myself¡¦

So HA¡¦

God this post makes no sense at all¡¦

So angry¡¦

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Wednesday, August 29, 2007

I Already Made A Post?
yeah so i wrote some crap in poem form so im going to put it up... and i warn you, its crap...
and it kinda has to do with the whole split personality thing... and i say it again, i know that i dont... i think part of me just doesnt want to believe that i am how i am... if that makes any sence... which it probably doesnt... but whatever... i guess it doesnt really matter...

so yeah, heres the crap...

-Hide Away-

You’re an idiot
You need me
Depression is all you have
Without me
You’re alone
Empty
Without emotion
All you can feel is sadness
All you do is cry
You know I’m right
No one loves you
Nobody cares
You should just die
Get it over with
Your not needed
They wouldn’t miss you
They’d be glad to have you gone
But no
You’re not strong enough
To take your own life
So you stay
And burden them
All the people you think you love
You’re a liar
How can you love others
When you cant even love yourself
Hate yourself
You’re such a fake
Why are you hurting them
Leave
And don’t come back
We don’t want you
So go ahead
Use that blade
Slit your wrist
And bleed away…


yeah...

I'm sorry...

i probably shouldnt put this up but i really dont care anymore...

damn...

i really suck...

this is getting pathetic so im just going to go now ok...

later
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Cramps...
Yeah, i dont think i need to say anything else about that...

...

Ok, so last night i was REALLY depressed/confused/blah... yeah... i dont really know how to describe it... like you know how when your depressed you get really lazy and you just dont want to do ANYTHING... yeah that was me last night. i just sat on my bed and played michelle branch like 5 times... the most i would do is hit the play botton when it stopped... which now that i think about it i could have just put the CD on repeat... god im an idiot...

i also tried to write some... like poems and stuff... but i couldnt, it was all crap... like everything else i write...

...

im sorry...

i feel like im just trying to make people feel bad for me but im not... its just that this is the only place i can really talk about stuff... i dont know why... its just easier i guess...

yeah...

so back to my depressing night... after about 5 hours of doing nothing i slid off my bed and started beating the shit out of my floor... yeah i felt bad afterward and my hand hurt like hell but i still wasnt... i guess satisfied is the right word for this... you see im not the type who can just do the punching thing... and i know this sounds bad but i like blood...
so yeah i cut... im sorry sammy... really i am... i only did it once and it wasnt to deep... it was one of those things like you just dont realize what your doing until its done... so yeah, then i cried some... then i looked over at my wallet, (cause thats were i keep my razor) and saw my ID, so i pulled that out and started scratching it and now my face is all deformed... its kinda funny cause i had to take it out to go on the computer and i had forgoten about it... hahaha... so yeah...

i guess thats it...

god my tummy hurts... when i get home im going to take a shit load of meds....

Mwahahahaha...

heres some random pics...





yup that was me last night...
yeah i was kinda think about loveless last night... its a good book and i still think that loveless fits me better then worthless... whatever...



yeah... i gots nothing to say about that.

.......

yeah i go now....

Bye
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Monday, August 27, 2007

Happy Birthday Justine!
Yeah, so yesterday was Justines birthday... and if you want more info on that you can go to her site...
YEAH!
Ok, so i drew her a picture... and it was just a whole bunch of random shikamaru and kiba pictures that i found on the internet that i redrew... so yeah it was pretty stupid... like all the other things that i ever do... STUPID...

Sorry...

im not in a good mood right now...

im actually REALLY depressed and i wanna cry but i cant because my mom will see and then she'll bother me about it and then she'll ask if im cutting and then ill say no and she wont believe me and she wont sleep and tomorrow she'll blame me for stressing her out... so im just going to hold it in until i go to bed...

so yeah...

see thats what i always do, i hold in my emotions because i know it'll just make other people sad... but then it just keeps building until i EXPLODE...

but what the hell right...

what does it matter, i dont matter, maybe one of these days ill just hold in to much and ill finally be able to just kill myself... god it would be so much easier that way... not having to worry about anything, except maybe being tortured for the rest of forever in hell because theres no way someone like me is going to heaven...

hahaha...

yeah...

sounds like fun right...

yeah...

...

Oh im going to put up some lyrics from michelle branch... and i think i should explain why first... *ahem*
Ok so sometimes i feel like i have a split personality (dont worry i know that i dont) and this song kinda fits that... ill explain better after i put it up...

"Are You Happy Now?"

Now, don’t just walk away
Pretending everything’s ok
And you don’t care about me
And I know there’s just no use
When all your lies become your truths and I don’t care... yeah, yeah, yeah

Could you look me in the eye
And tell me that you’re happy now, ohhh, ohhh
Would you tell it to my face or have I been erased,
Are you happy now?
Are you happy now?

You took all there was to take,
And left me with an empty plate
And you don’t care about it, yeah.
And I am givin' up this game
I’m leaving you with all the blame cause I don’t care, yeah, yeah yeah,

Could you look me in the eye?
And tell me that you’re happy now, oohh oohhh
Would you tell it to my face or have I been erased,
Are you happy now? Ohhh, ohhhh
Are you happy now?
Are you happy now? yeah, yeah, yeah.

Do you really have everything you want?
You can't ever give somethin' you ain't got
You can’t run away from yourself

Could you look me in the eye?
and tell me that you're happy now, yeah, yeah
come on, tell it to my face or have i been replaced,
are you happy now? Ohhh, ohhhh
are you happy now?

Would you look me in the eye?
Could you look me in the eye?
I’ve had all that I can take
I'm not about to break
Cause I’m happy now, ohhh, ohhh
Are you happy now?


Ok so the whole pretending i dont care and everythings ok now... yeah its kinda self explanitory...(and i think thats spelled wrong)

"Could you look me in the eye" yeah i cant look at myself it the mirror because im basically digusted with myself...

"Have i been erased" im trying to get rid of that part of me...

"Are you happy now" i always wonder if im better off without me...

"You took all there was to take, And left me with an empty plate And you don’t care about it" this would be the other me thats left with nothing because she doesnt exist anymore... (this is really making me sound crazy isnt it)...

"I’m leaving you with all the blame cause I don’t care" i blame her because im not strong enough to blame myself...

"Do you really have everything you want?" no im a very selfish person...

"You can’t run away from yourself" yeah...

"come on, tell it to my face or have i been replaced"... truthfully i wish she was gone but shes not, shell be here until im gone to...

"I’ve had all that I can take" Yup...

"I'm not about to break" im already broken...

so yeah... im not sure you people will fully understand this but whatever...

sorry if i sound crazy...

well i guess ill go now that you all think im some insane, phycho, depressed person...

Bye
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