Wednesday, October 3, 2007

I'm sad so i write...
- Till Death -

What’s the point in talking
If all we hear are lies
Why do we even listen
When we know that later
As we lay alone in our beds
That those words will haunt us
And break us down
Till there’s nothing left
But our outer shells
The one part of us
That we hate the most
Is all that’s left
And as we sit there
Alone
In our cold dark rooms
We cry out our last bit of sanity
That single shred of hope
And lay down together
To die…


Now this is just some shit that I wrote during history…

Sorry…

I hate myself… but all of you already know that. I’ve said it hundreds of times before and will keep saying it until I don’t hate myself. But truthfully, when will I not hate myself. When will I be able to look in the mirror and say something good about myself… will that day ever come… or will I always hate myself. Cause even if I were thin, it doesn’t mean that anyone will like me any more then they already claim to… you know when I was younger I always thought that one day I’ll get to that point where I’m thin and I don’t hate myself… and I thought… that maybe someone would love me. That someone in this world would be with me. But only because I wasn’t fat anymore… and I thought about how if that person did see me and I was still my fat self that they wouldn’t give me a second glance… and I decided I don’t want to ever fall in love with someone like that… and I based my whole life on that… I started hating preps because they were pretty, and I avoided contact with anybody… especially boys… and I stopped speaking… and I didn’t fall in love… after a while, when I “matured” a little… I realized that I was an idiot; I’m just like everybody else… I want to have friends, I wanna have a pretty girlfriend, and when I cry I want someone to lean on… all my life I thought I was better then everyone else… but I’m no different. I’m just as conceited as the rest of the world… just as selfish and stupid and useless… if not more useless then them… at least they’re trying, I’ve just given up… I live for my friends and nothing else, when there sad I’m sad, when there happy I put on my mask and join them… I actually like it when there are problems, cause then I don’t have to try so hard to make them believe that I’m happy. I just blame my sudden mood change on whatever’s going on at the moment… isn’t that stupid… I’m so fucking weak… such a weakling… I can’t even kill myself… and I know people say that you actually have to be strong to not kill yourself but that’s not the case with me… (There I go again… thinking I’m so different then everybody else.) I’m so fucking selfish… I don’t want to leave my friends… even though I’m sure they’d be so much happier if I wasn’t here… Why can’t I just leave them alone…

The bell just rung so I gots to go…

I’m sorry…

Bye…